[Vision2020] Ques. For you: What is Most Important in a Relationship?

[Art Deco]

Thank you Ken for a thoughtful and insightful reply.

Short comments:

"Different strokes for different folks."  There is a great diversity of
human needs and the relative intensity of those needs in individuals that
drive and impact relationships.  The general rules which you recommend
(again not too different from those in *A New Look At Love*) are very
useful and helpful.

But in reality, some people with very intense needs of various kinds --
sex, wealth, recognition, accomplishment, destruction, etc -- may find
those rules too restrictive.  People with intense needs find it difficult
in maintaining close relationships, but can find lasting ones with others
who also have intense needs, and where both recognize that the relationship
is secondary to the satisfaction of other needs.

Another factor to be aware of is the change of a person's needs,
orientation, and direction over time.  Change happens, and it sometimes
comes slowly, but destructively to intimate relationships.

Contrary to Scott's declaration, IMO maintaining a healthy, fun, and
fulfilling relationship does take effort -- thinking of ways to keep the
other persons needs met, planning new and fun things together, working to
communicate even over difficult, sensitive subjects, looking at the changes
occurring in your partner and finding ways to accommodate them, etc.

There is some fascinating work of levels of sustaining of interests.  Some
people get bored very easily, others crave dead still status quo.  Those
that get bored very easily generally have more difficulty than others
maintain a close relationships, unless strongly driven otherwise.

w.

On Thu, Jul 19, 2012 at 3:23 PM, Kenneth Marcy <kmmos1 at frontier.com> wrote:

>  On 7/18/2012 5:43 PM, Donovan Arnold wrote:
>
>  I was wondering what people look for in a life partner, what standards
> do they have.
>
> What is most important in a relationship?
>
>
> Your expectations and assumptions of and about yourself and the other
> should match well enough that the differences are unimportant.
>
> Usually, one does not often consider the variety and diversity of various
> general characteristics of a potential partner because one most often
> assumes they will be the same as one's own, and thus not a concern. Failure
> to consider these general characteristics may be a source of avoidable
> difficulty.
>
>
>  What character traits do you look for?
>
>
> Perhaps unfortunately (or not, if you enjoy the exploration process),
> people do not come with specification sheets that can be scanned quickly to
> arrive a conclusion of acceptability or not. (Bad chip! No power for you!)
>
> More often one finds some combination of surface attraction and social
> connection that requires exploration to determine whether a comfortable
> working partnership can be created without remodeling one or both partners.
>
> From what cultural background does the other person come? Is that
> background your background? If not, you have some exploring, learning, and
> considering to do. What do you think, feel, and care about that culture,
> those people, and your potential person's position within it? How do they
> consider you as a part of your milieu?
>
> Why are these questions important? Because you want to minimize the number
> and level of low-grade, intermittent conflicts with which you must deal
> after a decision to proceed with a relationship is made.
>
>
>  What are the deal breakers, in terms of looks, behavior, and attitude?
>
>
> Usually looks are not too much of a concern because your deep-brain
> bad-match-screener, your genetic reproductive rejector, will unconsciously
> rule out most unacceptably extreme candidates right away, so you won't
> waste time on those with whom you know you will not succeed.
>
> How does the ideal candidate appear? The first suggestion as an answer is
> to look in your mirror. Wisecracks and jokes aside, your ideal more likely
> is like you than not. Certainly differences will eventuate, but more and
> greater differences lead to a lower likelihood of longer-term success.
>
> Behavior and attitude are process characteristics exhibited over time
> rather than status characteristics evaluated at a point in time. Earnings
> statement versus balance sheet items, if you understand an accounting
> analogy.
>
>
>   What about looks vs. personality? Would you be willing to have a
> partner you know you would not find that attractive in the near future, but
> they had a loving character and personality?
>
>
> If you feel you won't find someone attractive in the near future, you
> probably won't waste time on them at all simply because you can make that
> rejection decision quickly. Discovering character and personality takes
> time, and most people won't spend a lot of time determining the character
> of an individual they consider unattractive.
>
>
>   How about their health, would you continue to be with someone even if
> you knew they would leave you old and alone? Would you stay with them and
> do that to them?
>
>
> Whose health and well-being are you considering? Yours or the other
> persons? Looking to marry your geriatric care nurse seems to be a tricky
> business, at best, even if you are willing to be the other person's nurse.
>
>
>  What about financial success? Do they need to be at a certain level, or
> is any financial situation OK with a partner you love?
>
>
> This is an area where you need to return to your assumptions, conscious
> and otherwise, about your culture, social setting, and family, and then
> reconsider your expectations of your role within that milieu. Then consider
> how your prospect might fit into that picture. Then reverse roles and
> consider your prospect's milieu, and how you might fit into it. Do they
> match? Or is there significant dissonance?
>
> <[snip]>
>
> In years past people had less freedom, fewer options, and were expected to
> endure a wider range of discomforts and imperfections. People made do as
> they were able with what they had. Nowadays, with more freedom, more
> options, and fewer expectations, it is actually harder to achieve success,
> either in others' eyes, or in one's own, simply because the standards are
> greater in number and more multifaceted in character.
>
> Success isn't just a set of goals, it's also a process to be enjoyed. The
> more capable you and your partner are, the more you likely will achieve and
> enjoy.
>
>
> Ken
>
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-- 
Art Deco (Wayne A. Fox)
art.deco.studios at gmail.com
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