[Vision2020] Ques. For you: What is Most Important in a Relationship?

[Kenneth Marcy]

On 7/18/2012 5:43 PM, Donovan Arnold wrote:
> I was wondering what people look for in a life partner, what standards 
> do they have.
> What is most important in a relationship?

Your expectations and assumptions of and about yourself and the other 
should match well enough that the differences are unimportant.

Usually, one does not often consider the variety and diversity of 
various general characteristics of a potential partner because one most 
often assumes they will be the same as one's own, and thus not a 
concern. Failure to consider these general characteristics may be a 
source of avoidable difficulty.

> What character traits do you look for?

Perhaps unfortunately (or not, if you enjoy the exploration process), 
people do not come with specification sheets that can be scanned quickly 
to arrive a conclusion of acceptability or not. (Bad chip! No power for 
you!)

More often one finds some combination of surface attraction and social 
connection that requires exploration to determine whether a comfortable 
working partnership can be created without remodeling one or both partners.

 From what cultural background does the other person come? Is that 
background your background? If not, you have some exploring, learning, 
and considering to do. What do you think, feel, and care about that 
culture, those people, and your potential person's position within it? 
How do they consider you as a part of your milieu?

Why are these questions important? Because you want to minimize the 
number and level of low-grade, intermittent conflicts with which you 
must deal after a decision to proceed with a relationship is made.

> What are the deal breakers, in terms of looks, behavior, and attitude?

Usually looks are not too much of a concern because your deep-brain 
bad-match-screener, your genetic reproductive rejector, will 
unconsciously rule out most unacceptably extreme candidates right away, 
so you won't waste time on those with whom you know you will not succeed.

How does the ideal candidate appear? The first suggestion as an answer 
is to look in your mirror. Wisecracks and jokes aside, your ideal more 
likely is like you than not. Certainly differences will eventuate, but 
more and greater differences lead to a lower likelihood of longer-term 
success.

Behavior and attitude are process characteristics exhibited over time 
rather than status characteristics evaluated at a point in time. 
Earnings statement versus balance sheet items, if you understand an 
accounting analogy.

> What about looks vs. personality? Would you be willing to have a 
> partner you know you would not find that attractive in the near 
> future, but they had a loving character and personality?

If you feel you won't find someone attractive in the near future, you 
probably won't waste time on them at all simply because you can make 
that rejection decision quickly. Discovering character and personality 
takes time, and most people won't spend a lot of time determining the 
character of an individual they consider unattractive.

> How about their health, would you continue to be with someone even if 
> you knew they would leave you old and alone? Would you stay with them 
> and do that to them?

Whose health and well-being are you considering? Yours or the other 
persons? Looking to marry your geriatric care nurse seems to be a tricky 
business, at best, even if you are willing to be the other person's nurse.

> What about financial success? Do they need to be at a certain level, 
> or is any financial situation OK with a partner you love?

This is an area where you need to return to your assumptions, conscious 
and otherwise, about your culture, social setting, and family, and then 
reconsider your expectations of your role within that milieu. Then 
consider how your prospect might fit into that picture. Then reverse 
roles and consider your prospect's milieu, and how you might fit into 
it. Do they match? Or is there significant dissonance?

<[snip]>

In years past people had less freedom, fewer options, and were expected 
to endure a wider range of discomforts and imperfections. People made do 
as they were able with what they had. Nowadays, with more freedom, more 
options, and fewer expectations, it is actually harder to achieve 
success, either in others' eyes, or in one's own, simply because the 
standards are greater in number and more multifaceted in character.

Success isn't just a set of goals, it's also a process to be enjoyed. 
The more capable you and your partner are, the more you likely will 
achieve and enjoy.


Ken
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