[Vision2020] Ques. For you: What is Most Important in a Relationship?

[Joe Campbell]

I'm the wrong person to ask BUT here are a few things.

You want someone who makes you laugh, who laughs at your jokes, who
makes you smile, and someone with whom you enjoy spending time:
talking, sitting, whatever.

Marry someone who likes you for who you are and doesn't want to turn
you into someone else. Marry someone for who he/she is and not for
what you think that he/she might become.

I think looks are important. Not that the person looks good to others
but that he/she looks good to you; someone you want to kiss and hug
and hold. But these things are important to me. I'm not sure they are
important to everyone. What is important is that you and your mate are
on the same page about these sorts of matters.

Unfortunately, sometimes you can't tell what you're looking for until
after you're married. That is why Scott's advice is the best. Life is
too short. Don't be afraid to get out of a marriage if you're unhappy.

This is a very sweet post, Donovan! I'm happy for you that you are
thinking about these things and proud to be living at a time where you
can put these thoughts to action. If you do get married, I promise to
do the wedding for free! Of course, I haven't charged anyone yet, so
it's not really a deal.

Best, Joe

On Wed, Jul 18, 2012 at 8:18 PM, Chasuk <chasuk at gmail.com> wrote:
> On Wed, Jul 18, 2012 at 5:43 PM, Donovan Arnold
> <donovanjarnold2005 at yahoo.com> asked:
>
>> What is most important in a relationship?
>
> I've been married to Tammy for 31 years. For me, the most important
> part of our relationship is that I still want to see her everyday. I
> miss her when we are apart. That might not seem significant, but
> understand that there are very few humans that I want to see everyday,
> or even every week. Tammy also wants to see me every day, and misses
> me when we are apart. That's equally important, of course.
>
>> What character traits do you look for?
>
> I need a partner who is willing to make equitable compromises. I'm
> willing to make a million compromises, as long as my partner is
> willing to compromise, too. I can't think of another character trait
> that is more important, long-term.
>
>  A similar sense of humor is nice, and a similar level of intellectual
> curiosity.
>
>> What are the deal breakers, in terms of looks, behavior, and attitude?
>
> Looks: If I am romantically in love with you, you are beautiful to me.
>  However, romantic love is something that couples tend to fall into
> and out-of, so attractiveness not dependent on rose-colored glasses
> can be a deal breaker, if your libido actively motivates your
> behavior.
>
> Behavior and attitude: I can't tolerate picky eaters, the
> unadventurous, or those who perceive every disagreement as a personal
> insult. Those are deal breakers.
>
>> What about looks vs. personality? Would you be willing to have a partner you
>> know you would not find that attractive in the near future, but they had a
>> loving character and personality?
>
> At the beginning of a relationship, if I can conceive the possibility
> of a near-future in which I won't find you attractive, then I don't
> love you. If I don't love you, then your loving character and
> personality don't make you marriageable.
>
>> How about their health, would you continue to be with someone even if you
>> knew they would leave you old and alone? Would you stay with them and do
>> that to them?
>
> Yes, to both questions.
>
>> What about financial success? Do they need to be at a certain level, or is
>> any financial situation OK with a partner you love?
>
> I'm not very materialistic. I don't care that I have a new car, that I
> own a house, or that my sofa is second-hand. I want a fast computer
> with a fast Internet connection, and enough income to pay for my
> modest entertainments, which include books, computer games, trips to
> the cinema, to the theatre, to restaurants, and a holiday at irregular
> intervals to foreign destinations. Bargain hotels are OK. I wouldn't
> be willing to voluntarily settle for less than that, but a partner
> with dreams of avarice would be incompatible.
>
>> How much are you allowed to demand from your partner, and how much should
>> you be willing to change for them?
>
> I have no right to demand anything from another adult, except for
> those things which were implicit or explicit at the start of the
> relationship. I don't expect them to change for me, and I wouldn't
> change for them.
>
>> How about fidelity? Would you marry if you thought you could not be
>> faithful, or you felt they would not be? How about infidelity after, should
>> it end, or accepted?
>
> Fidelity isn't as important as honesty. I won't be any m,ore specific than that.
>
>> Does the idea of being faithful, and being 50/50 partners with person for
>> the rest of your life, for better or worse scare you?
>
> It did; I think it is natural that it does. Most major life decisions are scary.
>
> Did that help?
>
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