[Vision2020] Ques. For you: What is Most Important in a Relationship?

[Chasuk]

On Wed, Jul 18, 2012 at 5:43 PM, Donovan Arnold
<donovanjarnold2005 at yahoo.com> asked:

> What is most important in a relationship?

I've been married to Tammy for 31 years. For me, the most important
part of our relationship is that I still want to see her everyday. I
miss her when we are apart. That might not seem significant, but
understand that there are very few humans that I want to see everyday,
or even every week. Tammy also wants to see me every day, and misses
me when we are apart. That's equally important, of course.

> What character traits do you look for?

I need a partner who is willing to make equitable compromises. I'm
willing to make a million compromises, as long as my partner is
willing to compromise, too. I can't think of another character trait
that is more important, long-term.

 A similar sense of humor is nice, and a similar level of intellectual
curiosity.

> What are the deal breakers, in terms of looks, behavior, and attitude?

Looks: If I am romantically in love with you, you are beautiful to me.
 However, romantic love is something that couples tend to fall into
and out-of, so attractiveness not dependent on rose-colored glasses
can be a deal breaker, if your libido actively motivates your
behavior.

Behavior and attitude: I can't tolerate picky eaters, the
unadventurous, or those who perceive every disagreement as a personal
insult. Those are deal breakers.

> What about looks vs. personality? Would you be willing to have a partner you
> know you would not find that attractive in the near future, but they had a
> loving character and personality?

At the beginning of a relationship, if I can conceive the possibility
of a near-future in which I won't find you attractive, then I don't
love you. If I don't love you, then your loving character and
personality don't make you marriageable.

> How about their health, would you continue to be with someone even if you
> knew they would leave you old and alone? Would you stay with them and do
> that to them?

Yes, to both questions.

> What about financial success? Do they need to be at a certain level, or is
> any financial situation OK with a partner you love?

I'm not very materialistic. I don't care that I have a new car, that I
own a house, or that my sofa is second-hand. I want a fast computer
with a fast Internet connection, and enough income to pay for my
modest entertainments, which include books, computer games, trips to
the cinema, to the theatre, to restaurants, and a holiday at irregular
intervals to foreign destinations. Bargain hotels are OK. I wouldn't
be willing to voluntarily settle for less than that, but a partner
with dreams of avarice would be incompatible.

> How much are you allowed to demand from your partner, and how much should
> you be willing to change for them?

I have no right to demand anything from another adult, except for
those things which were implicit or explicit at the start of the
relationship. I don't expect them to change for me, and I wouldn't
change for them.

> How about fidelity? Would you marry if you thought you could not be
> faithful, or you felt they would not be? How about infidelity after, should
> it end, or accepted?

Fidelity isn't as important as honesty. I won't be any m,ore specific than that.

> Does the idea of being faithful, and being 50/50 partners with person for
> the rest of your life, for better or worse scare you?

It did; I think it is natural that it does. Most major life decisions are scary.

Did that help?