Thank you Ken for a thoughtful and insightful reply.<br><br>Short comments: <br><br>"Different strokes for different folks." There is a great diversity of human needs and the relative intensity of those needs in individuals that drive and impact relationships. The general rules which you recommend (again not too different from those in <i>A New Look At Love</i>) are very useful and helpful. <br>
<br>But in reality, some people with very intense needs of various kinds -- sex, wealth, recognition, accomplishment, destruction, etc -- may find those rules too restrictive. People with intense needs find it difficult in maintaining close relationships, but can find lasting ones with others who also have intense needs, and where both recognize that the relationship is secondary to the satisfaction of other needs.<br>
<br>Another factor to be aware of is the change of a person's needs, orientation, and direction over time. Change happens, and it sometimes comes slowly, but destructively to intimate relationships.<br><br>Contrary to Scott's declaration, IMO maintaining a healthy, fun, and fulfilling relationship does take effort -- thinking of ways to keep the other persons needs met, planning new and fun things together, working to communicate even over difficult, sensitive subjects, looking at the changes occurring in your partner and finding ways to accommodate them, etc.<br>
<br>There is some fascinating work of levels of sustaining of interests. Some people get bored very easily, others crave dead still status quo. Those that get bored very easily generally have more difficulty than others maintain a close relationships, unless strongly driven otherwise.<br>
<br>w.<br><br><div class="gmail_quote">On Thu, Jul 19, 2012 at 3:23 PM, Kenneth Marcy <span dir="ltr"><<a href="mailto:kmmos1@frontier.com" target="_blank">kmmos1@frontier.com</a>></span> wrote:<br><blockquote class="gmail_quote" style="margin:0 0 0 .8ex;border-left:1px #ccc solid;padding-left:1ex">
<div bgcolor="#FFFFFF" text="#000000"><div class="im">
<div>On 7/18/2012 5:43 PM, Donovan Arnold
wrote:<br>
</div>
<blockquote type="cite">
<div style="font-size:10pt;font-family:tahoma,new york,times,serif">
<div>I was wondering what people look for in
a life partner, what standards do they have. </div>
<div> </div>
<div>What is most <span><span>important</span></span>
in a relationship?</div>
</div>
</blockquote>
<br></div>
Your expectations and assumptions of and about yourself and the
other should match well enough that the differences are unimportant.<br>
<br>
Usually, one does not often consider the variety and diversity of
various general characteristics of a potential partner because one
most often assumes they will be the same as one's own, and thus not
a concern. Failure to consider these general characteristics may be
a source of avoidable difficulty.<div class="im"><br>
<br>
<blockquote type="cite">
<div style="font-size:10pt;font-family:tahoma,new york,times,serif">
<div>What character traits do you look for?</div>
</div>
</blockquote>
<br></div>
Perhaps unfortunately (or not, if you enjoy the exploration
process), people do not come with specification sheets that can be
scanned quickly to arrive a conclusion of acceptability or not. (Bad
chip! No power for you!)<br>
<br>
More often one finds some combination of surface attraction and
social connection that requires exploration to determine whether a
comfortable working partnership can be created without remodeling
one or both partners.<br>
<br>
From what cultural background does the other person come? Is that
background your background? If not, you have some exploring,
learning, and considering to do. What do you think, feel, and care
about that culture, those people, and your potential person's
position within it? How do they consider you as a part of your
milieu?<br>
<br>
Why are these questions important? Because you want to minimize the
number and level of low-grade, intermittent conflicts with which you
must deal after a decision to proceed with a relationship is made.<div class="im"><br>
<br>
<blockquote type="cite">
<div style="font-size:10pt;font-family:tahoma,new york,times,serif">
<div>What are the deal breakers, in terms of
looks, behavior, and attitude?</div>
</div>
</blockquote>
<br></div>
Usually looks are not too much of a concern because your deep-brain
bad-match-screener, your genetic reproductive rejector, will
unconsciously rule out most unacceptably extreme candidates right
away, so you won't waste time on those with whom you know you will
not succeed.<br>
<br>
How does the ideal candidate appear? The first suggestion as an
answer is to look in your mirror. Wisecracks and jokes aside, your
ideal more likely is like you than not. Certainly differences will
eventuate, but more and greater differences lead to a lower
likelihood of longer-term success.<br>
<br>
Behavior and attitude are process characteristics exhibited over
time rather than status characteristics evaluated at a point in
time. Earnings statement versus balance sheet items, if you
understand an accounting analogy.<div class="im"><br>
<br>
<blockquote type="cite">
<div style="font-size:10pt;font-family:tahoma,new york,times,serif">
<div> What about looks vs. personality?
Would you be willing to have a partner you know you would not
find that attractive in the near future, but they had a loving
character and personality?</div>
</div>
</blockquote>
<br></div>
If you feel you won't find someone attractive in the near future,
you probably won't waste time on them at all simply because you can
make that rejection decision quickly. Discovering character and
personality takes time, and most people won't spend a lot of time
determining the character of an individual they consider
unattractive.<div class="im"><br>
<br>
<blockquote type="cite">
<div style="font-size:10pt;font-family:tahoma,new york,times,serif">
<div> </div>
<div>How about their health, would you
continue to be with someone even if you knew they would leave
you old and alone? Would you stay with them and do that to
them?</div>
</div>
</blockquote>
<br></div>
Whose health and well-being are you considering? Yours or the other
persons? Looking to marry your geriatric care nurse seems to be a
tricky business, at best, even if you are willing to be the other
person's nurse.<div class="im"><br>
<br>
<blockquote type="cite">
<div style="font-size:10pt;font-family:tahoma,new york,times,serif">
<div>What about financial success? Do they
need to be at a certain level, or is any financial situation
OK with a partner you love?</div>
</div>
</blockquote>
<br></div>
This is an area where you need to return to your assumptions,
conscious and otherwise, about your culture, social setting, and
family, and then reconsider your expectations of your role within
that milieu. Then consider how your prospect might fit into that
picture. Then reverse roles and consider your prospect's milieu, and
how you might fit into it. Do they match? Or is there significant
dissonance?<br>
<br>
<[snip]><br>
<br>
In years past people had less freedom, fewer options, and were
expected to endure a wider range of discomforts and imperfections.
People made do as they were able with what they had. Nowadays, with
more freedom, more options, and fewer expectations, it is actually
harder to achieve success, either in others' eyes, or in one's own,
simply because the standards are greater in number and more
multifaceted in character.<br>
<br>
Success isn't just a set of goals, it's also a process to be
enjoyed. The more capable you and your partner are, the more you
likely will achieve and enjoy.<br>
<br>
<br>
Ken<br>
</div>
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