[Vision2020] Ques. For you: What is Most Important in a Relationship?

Thu Jul 19 15:29:19 PDT 2012

Joe, Chas, and Scott,

Thanks for your input, it is very insightful and does help me. I am pretty much in grammar school when it comes to close personal relationships. Joe, I do not think any one more prominent than you would ever be so willing to officiate a wedding for me. So, yes, if that event does occur in my life, you would be the first I would ask after a Catholic Priest (as I am Catholic so I would have to at least ask), which I know he will not approve or preform a same sex marriage for at least another 300-700 years as they follow behind social progress. : )

Scott had some very good advice. Many things I didn't think about. I like the idea too, of separating the accounts and deciding how to fund each account, then you don't have overdrafts or someone mad running up the bill and taking all the money every time there is a spat. I was thinking the best way to do it would be split the major shared living bills, like rent, car payments, cable, Internet, city services and utilities in proportion to your incomes but keep your monies in two different accounts. 

Chas is always a good person to listen to I think as well when it comes to personal relationships, especially for me because we both have autistic tendencies. But he has also been all over the world and has a good grasp of the differences and commonalities in each community. In addition, he has managed to stay married for more than 30 years, which is a long time, especially for today.

I want to clarify something though about changing people, or them you. What counts as changing someone versus just looking out for them? I for example, don't think the single male, cigarette smoking, heavy beer drinking, pizza every night is really a character trait, so much as just what guys do when they are single.  I mean, would it be considered trying to change someone if trying to improve their lifestyle back to eating a little healthier, and going out more with you then sitting on the couch eating potato chips? And in all honestly, I don't know how one can move in with someone and not change some of their behaviors as well as yours.

Thanks for all your input.

Donovan J. Arnold

PS, as for marrying a twin, I think that should be the one exception to polygamy. It should be a package deal of two for one, or none at all. How would you not get jealous of your spouses twin with another person, and not lust after another person's spouse if they are married. And you know, if they are not married, others would know what it was like to sleep with your spouse. The longest living nonseperated Siamese twins, Chang and Eng Bunker, were married to two different women. That had to have been a challenge. Too odd, yes, Joe. 

From: Joe Campbell <philosopher.joe at gmail.com>
To: Scott Dredge <scooterd408 at hotmail.com> 
Cc: donovanjarnold2005 at yahoo.com; viz <vision2020 at moscow.com> 
Sent: Thursday, July 19, 2012 9:27 AM
Subject: Re: [Vision2020] Ques. For you: What is Most Important in a Relationship?

I forgot one other thing: don't marry a twin! Joe

On Wed, Jul 18, 2012 at 9:03 PM, Scott Dredge <scooterd408 at hotmail.com> wrote:
> You don't need to date someone that is like you, I'd just recommend dating
> someone that you're compatible with and vice versa.  You can be opposites in
> many ways and yet still have compatible lifestyles.
>
> -Scott
>
> ________________________________
> Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2012 19:05:01 -0700
> From: donovanjarnold2005 at yahoo.com
> Subject: Re: [Vision2020] Ques. For you: What is Most Important in a
> Relationship?
> To: scooterd408 at hotmail.com; vision2020 at moscow.com
>
> Thanks Scott, that does help. I think that is a good litmus test, how long I
> can spend in a room with someone and not want to kick them out, or them me.
> I don't think however I am compatible with someone that is like me. I like
> dating someone that is different and therefore more interesting. There are
> few, is any people I like sharing most my time and space with.  I know the
> odds are slim of it lasting forever, but you never know unless you try, yes?
> I just, honestly, don't want to wake up two decades from now, be alone, fat,
> wrinkled, and missed out on sharing my old age and troubles with someone.
>
> Donovan J. Arnold
>
> From: Scott Dredge <scooterd408 at hotmail.com>
> To: donovanjarnold2005 at yahoo.com; viz <vision2020 at moscow.com>
> Sent: Wednesday, July 18, 2012 7:20 PM
> Subject: RE: [Vision2020] Ques. For you: What is Most Important in a
> Relationship?
>
> The utmost importance is to find someone you're compatible with and who's
> compatible with you.  That answers all of your questions below.  A good test
> of compatibility is to spend a lotta, lotta, lotta, time with them.  If you
> spend 3 hours with them and then need 3 days away from them to recover from
> being sick of being around them, then that's a good indication of
> incompatibility.  If you can travel in close quarters for a solid month
> where you're pretty much together 24 hours a day and you don't get sick of
> each other and in fact thoroughly enjoy each others company during that
> time, that might be a good indication that you can hang together and might
> have a lot in common.  If you get married to this person, you have a 50/50
> chance - at the absolute very best - at making it the distance (death).
>
> I took a psychology class many years ago and the marriage statistics back
> then were bleak.  The prof categorized US marriages such that out of every
> 10 marriages: 5 of them ended in divorce, 2 of them stuck together because
> of convenience, 1 of them was a dead marriage, 1 stuck together for the sake
> of their kids, and 1 was a happy marriage.  The moral of the story was that
> you had a 10% chance of being happily married - and I guess you just hope to
> God that your spouse is equally happily married otherwise he/she can simply
> just say 'bye-bye' and there's not a whole heck of a lot you can do to keep
> your marriage from dissolving like so many of them do.
>
> By the way, I've never bought into the idea that 'relationships are work' -
> except for bad ones.  Those can be a frustratingly pile of work.  Why
> bother?  Life is too short to be stuck in a crappy relationship.
>
> Best wishes in finding your soul mate!
>
> -Scott
>
>
> Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2012 17:43:41 -0700
> From: donovanjarnold2005 at yahoo.com
> To: vision2020 at moscow.com
> Subject: [Vision2020] Ques. For you: What is Most Important in a
> Relationship?
>
> I was wondering what people look for in a life partner, what standards do
> they have.
>
> What is most important in a relationship?
>
> What character traits do you look for?
>
> What are the deal breakers, in terms of looks, behavior, and attitude?
>
> What about looks vs. personality? Would you be willing to have a partner you
> know you would not find that attractive in the near future, but they had a
> loving character and personality?
>
> How about their health, would you continue to be with someone even if you
> knew they would leave you old and alone? Would you stay with them and do
> that to them?
>
> What about financial success? Do they need to be at a certain level, or is
> any financial situation OK with a partner you love?
>
> People that got divorced, what do you suggest would make a relationship
> last, not last?
>
> How much are you allowed to demand from your partner, and how much should
> you be willing to change for them?
>
> How about fidelity? Would you marry if you thought you could not be
> faithful, or you felt they would not be? How about infidelity after, should
> it end, or accepted?
>
> Does the idea of being faithful, and being 50/50 partners with person for
> the rest of your life, for better or worse scare you?
>
> I know these are kind of personal, and you can be vague, but I am kinda
> wondering if other people think and feel about these issues the same as I
> do. I've never seriously thought about this stuff before because I was
> young, and marriage was illegal for me until recently. It wasn't really in
> the cards until now.  Now that I am getting older and marriage is an actual
> choice, this is kind of new for me so I have not had the opportunity to
> consider and experience these things like many of you have been
> fortunate/unfortunate to have done for your entire life. Any insights you
> can give me would be appreciated.
>
>
> Donovan J. Arnold
>
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