[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time With Bill Maher" (February 16, 2007)

Tom Hansen thansen at moscow.com
Wed Feb 21 11:40:49 PST 2007


New Rules. [slide of Rev. Ted Haggard]

Oh, and there he is, Ted Haggard. Well, you can't make a gay man 100%
straight in less than a month, especially if that month contains Fashion
Week. A month to change your sexuality? I spent longer than that on hold
trying to quit AOL! 

New Rule: Don't tell me these skeletons are romantic because they're
cuddling. This isn't what everlasting love looks like. It's just what it
feels like. For all we know, these two are just the Neolithic Olsen twins. 

New Rule: Activists have to stop preying on my liberal sympathies outside of
Whole Foods. I know my signature is vital to the anti-war movement, clean
needle programs, music in schools, a free Tibet, and the fight against
autism in gay polar bears...But I just need some hummus and a can of pinto
beans. For $37.00. And if you're going to keep shoving clipboards in my
assistant's face, how is she going to do my shopping?!

New Rule: Members of Congress have to stop referring to the other party as
their "friend from the other side of the aisle." Please, you're a Republican
from Mississippi; he's Barney Frank. You two aren't friends. You're a
reality show on Fox. In the future, just be a man about it and say, "I yield
back my time to that little s**t from North Carolina who won't shut up about
Nancy Pelosi's plane." 

And finally, New Rule: There's more to being smart than just not
misspeaking. A couple of weeks ago, Senator Joe Biden's presidential
campaign hit the ground flopping when he described Barack Obama as
"articulate and clean." But if you think he's a racist, you're just playing
"gotcha." Yes, the remark was cringe-worthy. It always is when someone old
and out of touch says something creepy. Even a Chinaman knows that! 

However, when it comes to the most important issue of the day, it was this
same Joe Biden who recognized first that Iraq was going to end up three
countries, and that that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. And I agree. So
what if Iraq gets broken up. It's a made-up country anyway. There's only
been an Iraq since 1932. It's seven years younger than Paul Newman. 

So, the guy who gets it on the big issue of the day, he can't run because he
said a black man was "clean." And we care more about a one-second verbal
brain fart than we do about who has the right answers.

Howard Dean has been a virtual Nostradamus on predicting what would happen
in Iraq from the beginning, but he can't be president because he once
shouted, "Yee-haw!"-- two decibels above what we, as Americans, know to be
the appropriate level for "Yee-haw!" He's out. He screamed louder than the
crowd screaming at him. And the media acted like grandpa just yelled out the
"n" word at a ballgame. 

John Kerry just botched a joke. But it was about the troops. [does falsetto
gasp] So John Kerry, another guy who gets it about how to fight terrorism,
he has to go away. Which I'm actually okay with, because watching him run
again would be like watching Rex Grossman play another Super Bowl.

This is why I say every candidate must come out now and say or do the
stupidest thing they possibly can, and get it out of the way! Hillary
Clinton must mispronounce South Carolina, "Mouth Vagina." Barack Obama must
tell people he's - quote - "bigger than Jesus." 

Mitt Romney must pledge allegiance to the "fag." Rudy Giuliani has to
declare at a press conference that he's cheating on his wife. Oh, he did? My
bad.

So, does this mean that Joe Biden or Howard Dean should automatically be
president? Of course not. But next time some real nasty s**t happens to this
country, remember, it might have something to do with our election process
having turned into an episode of "Survivor." 

And by the way, if we're going to choose our presidents by which one never
misspeaks, how did we end up with the chimp we have now?!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Seeya round town, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

"It's hard for me, living in this beautiful White House, to give you a
firsthand assessment. I haven't been there. You have. I haven't."

-- George W. Bush, when asked by ABC reporter Martha Raddatz if there is a
civil war in Iraq




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