[Vision2020] New Rules From "Real Time" With Bil Maher (September 8, 2006)

[Tom Hansen]

Okay, New Rule: Someone must tell President Bush where his heart is. [photo
shown of President Bush and Laura Bush; she has hand over her heart; he has
his hand over his stomach] Great, now with the other hand, tap your head and
say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper, rubber baby buggy bumper." Most people don't
clutch the wrong organ, but then again, most people don't invade the wrong
country. 

New Rule: Americans are dumber than anyone realizes. Mike Judge's new movie,
"Idiocracy," about a future America where everyone is really stupid, has
been dumped by Fox because test audiences didn't get the joke. Because they
were too stupid to understand a movie about stupid people! Just when you
think you've hit the bottom of the stupid barrel, you find out there's
another barrel right underneath it. 

New Rule: The Saddam Hussein trial has to do what all other TV shows do when
they get stuck in a rut: bring in Heather Locklear. Goodbye, WMD's, hello,
MILF. MILF, yeah, they know, MILF. 

New Rule: When married rock stars have sex with other women, it's not
cheating. Sorry, rock star wives, if you want a faithful husband, marry a
guy with fewer options. That's why you don't see too many concert-goers
screaming, "Monogamy, drugs and rock 'n' roll!" Hell, I've been to concerts
where, during the show, the rock stars actually called out the wrong city's
name! "Cleveland!" 

And finally, New Rule: If you're going to give God credit for all that's
right with the world, like the flowers and the trees and large, then you
have to admit that God is responsible for the bad stuff, too, like tsunamis
and ringworm, and that bad marijuana crop in '82 that gave everyone a
headache. 

Now, this past week, for the fifth anniversary of 9/11, President Bush
pronounced three days of prayer and mourning. Prayer for the victims, and
mourning for his old approval ratings. Of course, Mr. Bush's team always
does breathe easier whenever a moment of silence is required, because even
President Dyslexia can't screw up a moment of silence. Except if he put his
hand on his stomach - never mind. 

And speaking of silence, when did bagpipes become the official instruments
of mourning? These ceremonies are depressing enough without hearing all that
Scottish farting in the background. 

But I just don't get it. Why, when pointless horror strikes and God smacks
us around, we go to church more! It's like we're Tina Turner and God is Ike!


How come, when things go well, it's "Hallelujah!" But when they go bad, it's
still, "Hallelujah!"? People can endure an endless series of Job-like
hardships: their house is shredded by a tornado, their car is in a tree, the
family is wiped out... "But God spared my ceramic lawn deer, thank you,
Jesus!" 

And we put the blame on ourselves, and say that whatever cruel, random crap
happened to us happened because "God works in mysterious ways...too
mysterious for stupid me to understand." 

Well, sorry, but I think a little more of myself and my fellow humans than
that. I don't know the answers to the big cosmic questions. No one does. But
I do know there's no reason for a cleft lip or a mine collapsing, or all
that traffic on the 101. 

Mysterious ways? You know what else works in mysterious ways? A microwave.
It stays cool but the food gets hot! It's a mystery! Let's worship it. No,
let's not. Let's not thank God for His mercy or blame Him when you die from
eating bad spinach. On the fifth anniversary of the national day of prayer
and remembrance, let's put the blame for September 11th squarely where it
belongs: on our new enemy, Iran. The bombing starts three weeks before the
mid-terms, God willing.

----------------------------------------------------------

Seeya round town, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Vandalville, Idaho

*****************************************************************

"Sins can be committed in ignorance, and the fact that they were committed
in ignorance doesn't cause the sin to just disappear . . . "

- Princess Sushitushi (September 10, 2006)

*****************************************************************