[Vision2020] Please Stop

[Saundra Lund]

I understand your point, Mr. Rogers, but for clarification, are you speaking
for all the survivors of Sitler's abuse?  If not, then I feel it's important
to make a few comments.  I'll try to keep this relatively short.

For the discussion, I have to say that I'm not aware of a single community
member who has any interest at all in knowing any personal details of who
the survivors are.  People *care* that children have been harmed, and I
think it's natural to discuss the heinous crime and aftermath that has
affected our community.

Personally, I have a heartbreaking wealth of experience with survivors of
sexual abuse, both children and adults.

While the reaction Mr. Rogers related is one possible scenario, it certainly
isn't the only one.  Survivors -- and their families -- have a wide range of
reactions throughout the entire experience and process depending on too many
variables to list.

There *is* no universal response to the situation for survivors or their
loved ones as Mr. Rogers' post implied.  Indeed, experts understand that any
individual survivor may have one reaction and the loved ones may have
completely different responses.  And, the reactions of each survivor and
each loved one can change and change and change again throughout the process
. . . and throughout the rest of their lives.

Is the scenario you sketch possible?  Absolutely, and for the survivors and
their loved ones who respond in the way you relate, it's an absolutely valid
response.

However, there are a multitude of other -- and equally valid -- responses
and reactions.

Secrecy, guilt, shame, and blame are among the tactics some pedophiles
successfully use.

It is no wonder, then, when some child survivors are consumed with feeling
ashamed, an emotion experience shows that for some survivors may be
compounded when the child gets the unintended message that what happened was
so terrible it has be kept secret.

Some child survivors find it empowering and healing to speak out at some
point even if they continue to have their personal identity shielded.  OTOH,
some survivors never feel the need to shield their identities.  I just read
a news story about survivor Estera Tamas who was sexually abused while a
foster child in WA and who "asked that her name be published to encourage
other victims to come forward."

I have spoken with young -- and terrified -- child survivors who in spite of
their absolute terror felt compelled to report and/or testify to protect
other children from the abuser.  I know one child survivor who felt *very*
strongly about reporting the sexual abuse due to a strong sense that the
abuser -- who had been a "friend" -- needed help to "get better."

And, some child survivors find validation and healing in knowing that their
"world" *cares* about what happened to them and/or to other children who
have survived sexual abuse.  It's one thing -- and a very important thing --
to know that those who are *supposed* to care about you do, but it's a very
different and positive experience to know that a whole community or state or
nation of strangers cares, too, even when they don't know *who* you are.

Sometimes, seeing a community's support for survivors can help other child
victims who weren't able to tell to begin healing.

I could go on and on and on, but I hope this is enough to help broaden the
perspective.  Mr. Rogers' scenario is certainly one possible and valid
scenario, but there are many other scenarios and experiences that are just
as real and valid.

It is my fervent hope and prayer that each and every survivor of childhood
sexual abuse will feel support and compassion and valued from every corner
of their "world."

And, should any of Sitler's survivors be aware that his crimes are being
discussed, I hope that their support systems can help them to understand
that discussions are happening because people *care* -- and care deeply --
for and about those he abused.


Saundra Lund
Moscow, ID

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good people to do
nothing.
- Edmund Burke

***** Original material contained herein is Copyright 2006, Saundra Lund.
Do not copy, forward, excerpt, or reproduce outside the Vision 2020 forum
without the express written permission of the author.*****



-----Original Message-----
From: vision2020-bounces at moscow.com [mailto:vision2020-bounces at moscow.com]
On Behalf Of Tony Rogers
Sent: Friday, June 09, 2006 10:16 PM
To: vision2020 at moscow.com
Subject: [Vision2020] Please Stop 

I know I don't have a degree and worked sweep floors and scrubbing toilets
for years and many of you are far more educated. However, I'm going to try
to make a point that I hope you people will listen to. Suppose you are a
mother of a beautiful little girl, it is discovered that some one has sexual
abused her. You have a flood of emotions of intense anger, a feeling of
guilt for believing your daughter was safe, sorrow, fear of people finding
out what happened to your daughter because your daughter will feel like
everyone is looking at her, wondering how this will ultimately impact her
the rest of her life.  Now consider you are the little girl. You are hurt,
scared, wish you could just go to sleep and wake up and discover this horrid
thing never happened, but when you wake up you know it still did, you wonder
if the other children will treat you different and you wish you could simply
make it go away but you can't. After serveral years go by and you've healed
a bit, and thank you are safe from people knowing it was you, people raise
the issue again, and again, after pleas it continues on. You feel like you
did the first few weeks after this horrid thing happened. Your mother is in
tears, because people will not stop. But the people don't seem to care about
you enough to leave it alone as a public issue. They don't realize how hurt
you are that this issue is being talked about. Your name was not made public
the first time, but being it is talked about again, will someone slip? do
they care?

I hope I am making sense. For you married men out there making comments, I'd
like to suggest you sit down and ask your wife these questions.

1. If it was our daughter would we want her name to be known?
2. How would we feel if the public did find out, how would we help our
little girl?
3. Would we want the extent of the molestation known?
4. Would we want people talking about the issue on a discussion group
risking our daughters name being known?

For you calling yourselves christian, ask yourselves, would Jesus be more
concerned about proving himself right, picking, digging, or loving a little
girl by dropping the issue? All this bantering, all this arguing, only get's
people talking and risks this youg person's name becoming known.

I frankly believe Jesus is disgusted.

For you non religious people out there. You have common sense. Let's love
this young person enough to stop. Let's love the family enough to stop.