[Vision2020] Answering Phil's Questions

[Joan Opyr]

Dear Phil,

Who died and made you the one-man Bet Din?  I’ve got news for you, 
brother – I don’t need your permission to be a Jew.  I don’t need your 
approval to convert.  If you knew your ass from your elbow, you’d know 
that patriarchal Jews have to convert; under Jewish law, we have no 
choice.  If my father had been my mother, I wouldn’t have been obliged, 
but then again, if my father had been my mother, he wouldn’t have had 
children in the first place because he looks like shit in a dress.

How much do I make working for Radio Free Moscow?  Nothing.  Bupkes.  
Zilch.  Unlike you, I don’t even work for beer.  Like every other DJ at 
KRFP Moscow, I am a volunteer.  I do the show with Brother Carl because 
I love radio, I love music, and I love Carl.  He’s a good friend and a 
good man.  Perhaps you and your lame-brain buddies Dale and Donovan 
should sit down, shut up, and start taking notes because people adore 
Carl.  They’re not so fond of you.

You want to know about my writing career?  Let's start at the 
beginning, shall we?  I have a BA and an MA in English from North 
Carolina State, and I am ABD for my PhD in English from The Ohio State 
University.  That ABD is a permanent condition.  I have no intention of 
finishing my dissertation, but just in case you were wondering, Phil, 
my field of study was Anglo-Saxon, and my dissertation director was 
Nicholas Howe.  He's now at the University of California at Berkeley.  
Look him up.

Since March, I’ve been the Northern Idaho Editor for New West Magazine. 
  I’ve sold my first novel, Idaho Code, to a small publishing house 
called Bywater Books, and it will be published in March 2006.  You can 
buy yourself a copy at Bookpeople.  My literary agent is Victoria 
Sanders, 241 Avenue of the Americas, Suite 11 H, New York, New York.  
Give her a call – I’m sure she’d be delighted to hang up on you.

At the end of this month, I’ll be teaching a seminar in writing press 
releases for the NEW Leadership Conference at WSU.  In October, I’ll be 
teaching a five-day workshop at the ProudWords Literary Festival in 
Newcastle, England.  I edit theses, dissertations, and grant proposals, 
and I do a bit of technical writing on the side.  How much do I make 
from my various writing enterprises?  Why the hell do you care?  Are 
you selling Amway?  Do you want a donation to buy Budweiser or a pair 
of fresh underwear?  I’m not rich – few writers are – but I haven’t yet 
been reduced to selling my plasma.

Now, why don’t you stop worrying about my religion, and my writing 
career, and me in general, and look to your own future?  It’s entirely 
possible to make money by being a professional asshole, but from what 
I’ve seen of your work before the Moscow City Council and here on 
Vision 2020, you’re no Dennis Miller.  You’re not even close.

Joan Opyr/Auntie Establishment
www.auntie-establishment.com

PS: When you get a chance, would you give me back my boot?  I think 
you’ll find it’s firmly wedged in your colon.  Hell, at this point, you 
might even be able to taste it.  Leather, steel toe, Vibram sole . . . 
sound familiar?  You might be a gentleman and hose it off before you 
return it – that is if Moscow will give you the water without a 
Conditional Use Permit.  I want my boot back in this lifetime, thanks.
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