[Vision2020] Mark, Chas and Dan, of Xtains

Mon Dec 19 16:37:01 PST 2005

I am with Carl on this one, but I do have to admit that the idea of making 
fruitcake edible by soaking in brandy or rum does sound like it might have 
merit.

On the other hand, latkahs with chunky applesauce consumed following a 
healthy LChaim with Kirschwasser or shlivovitz is never to be passed up, 
having been personally invented by G-d himself as the cure for anything that 
ailes you.  You can keep your sour creme Joan, my grandma's apple sauce was 
to die for.

And now for everybodies edification, but mostly for those Jews who read, 
lurk and post here as well;

Subject: The difference is between Christmas and Chanukah

Now, if anyone asks you what the difference is between Christmas and 
Chanukah you will know what and how to answer!

1. Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25. Jews also love 
December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to the movies and out 
for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the 
evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. 
Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing 
us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same 
calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the 
kosher butcher or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or 
other Jewish funeral home.

2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the
same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived,
let's eat.

3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos, etc. 
Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks or the collected
works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.

4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to
spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc.

5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends.
Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. 
No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.

6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for
Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel 
good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful.
Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and
dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the
beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And
don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?

8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of
cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive
moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes and onions. The 
home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.

9. Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn 
their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes
on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.

10. Parents deliver presents to their children during Christmas. Jewish
parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.

11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names
such as Mary, Joseph and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are
Antiochus, Judah Maccabee and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or 
pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they 
believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Yossela, 
Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with
her, and now you want to blame G-d? Here's the number of my shrink".

13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The 
same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes 
sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about 
celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 
hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your 
sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 
per person. Better stick with Chanukah!

>From: "Carl Westberg" <carlwestberg846 at hotmail.com>
>To: vision2020 at moscow.com
>Subject: RE: [Vision2020] Mark, Chas and Dan, of Xtains
>Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 14:47:33 -0800
>
>"Who would give up the joys of greasy potato cakes for fruitcake, get 
>serious."  Does anyone really eat fruitcake?  I can see using it as a 
>doorstop, or replacing a loose brick with a fruitcake, but actually eating 
>one?  I don't know which is worse, fruitcake or lutefisk.                   
>                                                                            
>                                                                            
>                                                                            
>                              Carl Westberg Jr.
>
>
>
>>From: "Phil Nisbet" <pcnisbet1 at hotmail.com>
>>To: vision2020 at moscow.com
>>Subject: [Vision2020] Mark, Chas and Dan, of Xtains
>>Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 14:33:21 -0800
>>
>>LOL, I liked Dan's analysis because I intend to use it on my kid as a 
>>reason not to buy him an XBox 360.  "See Ben, its all a nefarious plot to 
>>get you to sing hymns and go to one of those places of worship where you 
>>never get good nosh after services."
>>
>>Actually the origins of the Xtain goes to the old Jewish chat boards.  For 
>>any who have used chat, everything is in shorthand or you never get a word 
>>in edge wise.  It used to be noted that more Moslems and Christians showed 
>>up on Jewish chat than Jews.  Nothing like trying to exchange Latkah 
>>recipes while somebody tries to convert you to their religion, to the 
>>laughter (LOLOLOL) of all on the board.  I mean, who would give up the 
>>joys of greasy potato cakes for fruitcake, get serious.
>>
>>Phil Nisbet
>>
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