[Vision2020] Bill Maher's New Rules (September 24, 2004)

[Tom Hansen]

>From Real Time with Bill Maher on Friday (September 24, 2004) -

 

All right, it is time now for New Rules, ladies and gentlemen. 

 

All right, New Rule: If you don't want the world to think your religion is
medieval, stop beheading people. You know, Texans are bloodthirsty and dim,
and they used to learn an electric chair! Come on, Islam, join the 19th
century.

 

New Rule: If you're blind, you don't have to pick up your guide dog's poop.
Here in California, a blind couple is headed to court over complaints that
they didn't. You see, they would have, but they can't see shit! And besides,
that blind couple has more important things to worry about, like their jobs
as document checkers for CBS. 

 

New Rule: The New York Times must stop running underwear ads like this. It's
not a good feeling to be reading about the tragic Darfur region in the
Sudan, with a hard-on. 

 

New Rule: There's no such thing as the sanctity of marriage. The only
blessed thing about this union is that VD isn't airborne. 

 

New Rule: George W. Bush must start drinking again! If he's going to talk
crazy talk like, "Freedom is on the march in Iraq!" and "Hey, we're going to
Mars!" - then at least give us the option of saying, "It's just the Jim Beam
talking." 

 

Plus, man, you're beating a war hero in an election even though you're the
worst president in history. If you don't deserve to party, who does?! 

 

And finally, New Rule: Let the two men America really wants to see run for
president, run for president. Now, last week, our old buddy, Dana
Rohrabacher, introduced a Constitutional amendment suggesting immigrants
like, oh, I don't know, Arnold Schwarzenegger be allowed to run for
president. And I say, "Fine. But then we get Clinton!" Each tribe gets its
greatest warrior. 

 

Why aren't we doing that anyway? Where is the twisted logic to the 22nd
Amendment which says you can't be president if you've done it twice? Reese
Witherspoon has done two "Legally Blonde" movies. Next time, does it have to
be Li'l Kim? 

 

And in a nation of immigrants, we tell immigrants they can't run? Sorry,
Arnie, you can take that, "What a country! Immigrants' dream, anything's
possible" crap and put it where it belongs: in a speech nominating a former
town drunk from Texas. 

 

I mean, not to be cruel to the candidates we have, but why are we preventing
ourselves from selecting from the top of our political gene pool? Even under
general anesthesia, Clinton was more exciting than Kerry. This guy couldn't
light a crowd on fire with napalm. But a debate between Bill Clinton and
Arnold Schwarzenegger? You could put that on pay-per-view! Why, you could
put that on the Spice Channel! 

 

And that's the beauty of this match-up. They would have to stick to the
issues, because the personal stuff would just be too devastating. The
mudslinging would have to get way too nuanced. "I never lied under oath
about the asses I grabbed!" We're talking about two dudes who've smoked pot
and love cigars and hummers. It would be the "you don't want to go there"
election. 

 

So that's my proposal. The 22nd Amendment for the Article Two. And then we
can bring it on. The Terminator versus the "Sperminator." "Conan versus
Onan." "Alien versus Predator." 

 

Get well, Mister President. I'm serious about this.

 

 

Take care,

 

Tom Hansen

 

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail.  But a true friend will be
sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!"

 

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: http://mailman.fsr.com/pipermail/vision2020/attachments/20040929/763d6b96/attachment-0001.htm