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<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>From Real Time with Bill Maher on Friday (September 24,
2004) –<o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>All right, it is time now for New Rules, ladies and
gentlemen. <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>All right, New Rule: If you don't want the world to think
your religion is medieval, stop beheading people. You know, Texans are bloodthirsty
and dim, and they used to learn an electric chair! Come on, Islam, join the
19th century.<o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>New Rule: If you're blind, you don't have to pick up your
guide dog's poop. Here in <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">California</st1:place></st1:State>,
a blind couple is headed to court over complaints that they didn't. You see,
they would have, but they can't see shit! And besides, that blind couple has
more important things to worry about, like their jobs as document checkers for
CBS. <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>New Rule: The New York Times must stop running underwear ads
like this. It's not a good feeling to be reading about the tragic Darfur region
in the <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Sudan</st1:place></st1:country-region>,
with a hard-on. <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>New Rule: There's no such thing as the sanctity of marriage.
The only blessed thing about this union is that VD isn't airborne. <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>New Rule: George W. Bush must start drinking again! If he's
going to talk crazy talk like, "Freedom is on the march in <st1:country-region
w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Iraq</st1:place></st1:country-region>!" and
"Hey, we're going to Mars!" - then at least give us the option of
saying, "It's just the Jim Beam talking." <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>Plus, man, you're beating a war hero in an election even
though you're the worst president in history. If you don't deserve to party,
who does?! <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>And finally, New Rule: Let the two men <st1:country-region
w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">America</st1:place></st1:country-region> really
wants to see run for president, run for president. Now, last week, our old
buddy, Dana Rohrabacher, introduced a Constitutional amendment suggesting
immigrants like, oh, I don't know, Arnold Schwarzenegger be allowed to run for
president. And I say, "Fine. But then we get <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place
w:st="on">Clinton</st1:place></st1:City>!" Each tribe gets its greatest
warrior. <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>Why aren't we doing that anyway? Where is the twisted logic
to the 22nd Amendment which says you can't be president if you've done it
twice? Reese Witherspoon has done two "Legally Blonde" movies. Next
time, does it have to be Li'l Kim? <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>And in a nation of immigrants, we tell immigrants they can't
run? Sorry, Arnie, you can take that, "What a country! Immigrants' dream,
anything's possible" crap and put it where it belongs: in a speech
nominating a former town drunk from <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Texas</st1:place></st1:State>.
<o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>I mean, not to be cruel to the candidates we have, but why are
we preventing ourselves from selecting from the top of our political gene pool?
Even under general anesthesia, <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Clinton</st1:place></st1:City>
was more exciting than Kerry. This guy couldn't light a crowd on fire with
napalm. But a debate between Bill Clinton and Arnold Schwarzenegger? You could
put that on pay-per-view! Why, you could put that on the Spice Channel! <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>And that's the beauty of this match-up. They would have to
stick to the issues, because the personal stuff would just be too devastating.
The mudslinging would have to get way too nuanced. "I never lied under
oath about the asses I grabbed!" We're talking about two dudes who've
smoked pot and love cigars and hummers. It would be the "you don't want to
go there" election. <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>So that's my proposal. The 22nd Amendment for the Article
Two. And then we can bring it on. The Terminator versus the
"Sperminator." "Conan versus Onan." "Alien versus
Predator." <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>Get well, Mister President. I'm serious about this.<o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<div style='mso-element:para-border-div;border:none;border-bottom:solid windowtext 1.0pt;
padding:0in 0in 1.0pt 0in'>
<p class=MsoNormal style='border:none;padding:0in'><font size=2 face=Arial><span
style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
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<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>Take care,<o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>Tom Hansen<o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=3 face="Times New Roman"><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'>A good friend will come and bail you out of jail. But a true
friend will be<br>
sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!"</span><o:p></o:p></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=3 face="Times New Roman"><span style='font-size:
12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
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