[Vision2020] Bill Maher's New Rules (October 8, 2004)

[A View From the Left]

Okay. All right. It is time for New Rules, ladies and gentlemen! 

All right, New Rule number one: No SUV's in space. This new space plane isn't a 
triumph of the spirit. It's a low-orbit mid-life crisis. "Houston, we have an 
asshole." Space tourism is God's way of telling you you're not spending enough 
on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine. If I want to blow ten million bucks on 
something that lasts four minutes, I'll marry my back-up dancer. Two Britney 
jokes in one show. I'm sorry, Britney. 

New Rule: You can't tell people by email that you've given them chlamydia. The 
San Francisco Health Department has a new service that lets you send an 
Internet greeting card to someone you may have infected with an STD. "Roses are 
red, orchids are grey, congratulations, you have Hepatitis A." 

New Rule: Let beer be beer. Christ, yes. First there was Ice beer. Then "Dry" 
beer. Then Low-Carb beer. Now there's a new one: B-to-the-E. Oh, please. A beer 
with caffeine and blackberry. The blackberry is to appeal to high school girls. 
And the caffeine is to keep them awake long enough for R Kelly to nail them. 

New Rule: Don't punish rednecks for being rednecks. This week, NASCAR fined 
Dale Earnhardt, Jr., for publicly saying the words, "It don't mean shit." You 
can't fine a redneck for that. That's not just an expression to them, it's the 
entire redneck philosophy! Lost your job? It don't mean shit. Wife run off with 
the UPS man? Don't mean shit. Entire rationale for a war proves to be false? It 
don't mean shit. That's the beauty of the lifestyle. If rednecks had to pretend 
they cared about stuff, they'd be yuppies. 

New Rule: No Christmas movie ads until after Halloween! We can all agree on 
that across the aisle. Enough with the holiday creep. Give us a few more weeks 
of no stress before the hellish season of peace begins. If I wanted to hear 
about Jesus 365 days a year, I'd vote for Bush. 

And speaking of which, finally, New Rule: Everyone has to stop pretending that 
George Bush is macho. Because plainly, he acts like a girl! 

Not a woman. A girl! Not a week goes by when John Kerry isn't attacked because 
he said something that hurt somebody's feelings. According to Bush 
spokespeople, Kerry lost the first debate because of his new insult to our 
allies when he said, "The coalition wasn't genuine. You know, Poland had 
Lithuania over that night for a debate party, and now they can't look at each 
other without crying." 

All of the attacks on John Kerry involve his thoughtless words. Like when he 
said the Iraqi prime minister wasn't legitimate. The bitch! He hurt the troops 
when he said Iraq was the wrong war at the wrong time! MEN! He hurt the Vietnam 
vets when he called that war a mistake. He is so not sitting with us at lunch 
anymore! 

He's a girl! George Bush is all - "And another thing about John Kerry: he uses 
Botox! He spends too much time on his hair and he's two-faced. Flip-
flopper!" "And I bet John Kerry didn't even deserve any of those medals. I 
would have gone to stupid old Vietnam, but I wanted to be a stay-at-home 
soldier!" 

Excuse me, this president is resolute. He's on the rag. He stopped having press 
conferences, which is basically saying, "I'm not talking to you!" He acted all 
crampy at the debate: "It's hard work!" I kept waiting for him to say, "If you 
don't like how I do your shirts, then iron them yourself!" He even ran for 
president like a girl, promising to "restore dignity to the Oval Office." What 
man gives a rat's ass about restoring an office? A real man thinks the Oval 
Office lost all its integrity the day Monica Lewinsky stopped coming in there 
to blow the president. 

And then - let me finish - and then in the one area - and I'm talking about 
Iraq here - the one area where he could use being a little in touch with his 
feminine side, he acts like the typical stupid male who gets himself lost when 
he's driving, won't admit it and won't stop and ask for directions. Always 
insisting, "Please, I know what I'm doing!" 

You know, the only time - the only time guys like this learn their lesson is 
when their wives leave them. So, on November 2nd, I suggest we get a
divorce.

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