[Vision2020] A Church of AE Papal Encyclical
Joan Opyr
auntiestablishment@hotmail.com
Wed, 24 Mar 2004 11:13:22 -0800
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Saundra wrote:
>Pope Joan, never fear! I will remain a proud bishop in our Church, in s=
pite
>of the fact that Carl's church would clearly be the Right one by UI
>standards. I simply cannot sell my soul to the advancement of golf!
I am glad to have you on board, Saundra; I need to consult you on a very =
important ecumenical matter. Despite our lengthy conversation earlier th=
is week about appropriate church garb, Amy, the newly consecrated Bishop =
of Lewiston, is fretting about frocks and head gear. What's worse, if th=
reatened with a dress, she suggests that she might join the hell-bound he=
retics of Westberg. We can't have that. Church growth is now at 700%, a=
nd I anticipate turning some empty garage space into a handy, tax-exempt =
cathedral. I've spoken with the architects of Boise Place, and for a mer=
e quarter of a million, they'll sketch up a plan for that five foot stret=
ch between the peg-board and the lawn mower.
What can I do to reassure Amy? I have not worn a dress myself since June=
10, 1990, when I was the Bridesmaid of Frankenstein. As far as hats are=
concerned, I favor the baseball type, generally with some pithy saying, =
like "I'm with stupid" or "Wish you were hair." Amy is 100% Polish. I'm=
half Ukrainian; that's like Polish, only it's more like Russian, but hey=
, I'm sure we both grew up dancing the polka. I'll also bet that we're t=
he only people on the Palouse who know all the words to "Who Stole the Ki=
shka?"
I think that in order to put Amy's mind entirely at ease, I am forced to =
make public the first Church of Auntie Establishment Papal encyclical. I=
t's not an ex cathedra pronouncement, meaning no one has to do what I say=
Our church motto, "You're not the boss of me," certainly implies that =
I'm not the boss of you, and I'm willing to stick by that. Consider it i=
nstead a list of helpful suggestions.
Joan Opyr/Auntie Establishment
Welcome to The Church of Auntie Establishment.
No tithes. No dogma. No shirt, no shoes, no service.
Dear Acolyte:
Thank you for joining The Church of Auntie Establishment. Please find en=
closed your complimentary Church of Auntie Establishment T-shirt and refr=
igerator magnet featuring the tasteful (and copyrighted) naked-lady-silou=
ette-on-a-truck-mudflap logo. As one of the saved, you have also been gr=
anted access to the key to heaven. You=E2=80=99ll it find under the flow=
er pot next to the back door.
The Church of Auntie Establishment believes in freedom of religion but al=
so freedom from religion. We do not proselytize; we preach to the choir.=
We do not convert; we pay the bar tab and hope for the best. You are n=
ot obliged to tithe to the Church, but should you happen to win big on Lo=
tto, we hope you=E2=80=99ll remember the little people.
HOLY BEHAVIOR
Drinking is fine; dancing is better. Smoking is kind of nasty but if you=
're over 18, it's up to you, and I guess is it's okay as long as you don=E2=
=80=99t do it in the car. In our divine experience, this leads to burn m=
arks on the upholstery. =20
Tip wait staff, hairdressers, and manicurists well. They work harder tha=
n you do. =20
Floss before brushing. Use a conditioner. When you eat garlic, make sur=
e that the amorous partner of your choice eats some as well. Do not hog =
the remote. Do not vote Republican unless your choice is between Olympia=
Snowe and Zell Miller.
Mr. Blackwell is not the source of all fashion rules. Some were handed d=
own directly by God. White shoes are acceptable only between Memorial Da=
y and Labor Day. No exceptions. Sandals should be worn only in summer a=
nd never with socks, particularly not rag wool socks, or those awful stri=
ped socks with separated toes, or any brightly-colored, Mork from Ork, hi=
deous rainbow foot casings. Wear white socks with tennis shoes, black so=
cks with black shoes. This should be intuitive, but if you check out you=
r dad, you=E2=80=99ll see that it isn=E2=80=99t.
You never need to wear a dress. Ever. But this does not mean that you s=
hould wear a necktie, a big vest, and a floppy hat instead. It is import=
ant to remember that we are not Diane Keaton.
HOLY WRITS
The complete works of E. F. Benson, Molly Ivins, and Fran Liebowitz. The=
Onion.com. The menu at McCormick=E2=80=99s Seafood in Seattle; pay speci=
al attention to the words cr=C3=A8me brul=C3=A9e. =20
HOLY ROLLING
See Lotto reference above.
Now, try and use your power for good instead of evil. Amen. Get more=
from the Web. FREE MSN Explorer download : http://explorer.msn.com
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<HTML><BODY STYLE=3D"font:10pt verdana; border:none;"><DIV>Saundra wrote:=
</DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV>>Pope Joan, never fear! I will rem=
ain a proud bishop in our Church, in spite<BR>>of the fact that Carl's=
church would clearly be the Right one by UI<BR>>standards. I si=
mply cannot sell my soul to the advancement of golf!<BR></DIV> <DIV>I am =
glad to have you on board, Saundra; I need to consult you on a very impor=
tant ecumenical matter. Despite our lengthy conversation earlier th=
is week about appropriate church garb, Amy, the newly consecrated Bishop =
of Lewiston, is fretting about frocks and head gear. What's wo=
rse, if threatened with a dress, she suggests that she might jo=
in the hell-bound heretics of Westberg. We can't have that.&nb=
sp; Church growth is now at 700%, and I anticipate turning some empty gar=
age space into a handy, tax-exempt cathedral. I've spoken with the =
architects of Boise Place, and for a mere quarter of a million, they'll s=
ketch up a plan for that five foot stretch between the peg-board and=
the lawn mower.</DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV>What can I do to reassure&n=
bsp;Amy? I have not worn a dress myself since June 10, 1990, w=
hen I was the Bridesmaid of Frankenstein. As far as hats are c=
oncerned, I favor the baseball type, generally with some pithy saying, li=
ke "I'm with stupid" or "Wish you were hair." Amy is 100%=
Polish. I'm half Ukrainian; that's like Polish, only it's more lik=
e Russian, but hey, I'm sure we both grew up dancing the polka. =
; I'll also bet that we're the only people on the Palouse who k=
now all the words to "Who Stole the Kishka?"</DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV=
>I think that in order to put Amy's mind entirely at ease,=
I am forced to make public the first Church of Auntie Establishment=
Papal encyclical. It's not an ex cathedra pronouncement, meaning n=
o one has to do what I say. Our church motto, "You're not the =
boss of me," certainly implies that I'm not the boss of yo=
u, and I'm willing to stick by that. Consider it instead a lis=
t of helpful suggestions.</DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV>Joan Opyr/Auntie E=
stablishment</DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV> </DIV> <DIV align=3Dcente=
r><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 20pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Old English Text MT'">Wel=
come to The </SPAN><?xml:namespace prefix =3D st1 ns =3D "urn:schemas-mic=
rosoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:place><st1:PlaceType><SPAN style=3D"F=
ONT-SIZE: 20pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Old English Text MT'">Church</SPAN></st1:Pl=
aceType><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 20pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Old English Text MT=
'"> of </SPAN><st1:PlaceName><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 20pt; FONT-FAMILY:=
'Old English Text MT'">Auntie</SPAN></st1:PlaceName></st1:place><SPAN st=
yle=3D"FONT-SIZE: 20pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Old English Text MT'"> Establishmen=
t.</SPAN></DIV> <DIV align=3Dcenter><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 20pt; FONT-=
FAMILY: 'Old English Text MT'"></SPAN><SPAN style=3D"FONT-FAMILY: Rockwel=
l"><FONT size=3D3>No tithes.<SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"> </SP=
AN>No dogma.<SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>No shirt, no =
shoes, no service.</FONT></SPAN></DIV> <DIV align=3Dleft><SPAN style=3D"F=
ONT-FAMILY: Rockwell"></SPAN><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY:=
Rockwell"></SPAN> </DIV> <DIV align=3Dleft><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE=
: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell">Dear Acolyte:</SPAN></DIV> <DIV align=3Dle=
ft><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell"></SPAN> </=
DIV> <DIV align=3Dleft><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockw=
ell"></SPAN><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell">Thank =
you for joining The Church of Auntie Establishment.<SPAN style=3D"mso-spa=
cerun: yes"> </SPAN>Please find enclosed your complimentary Church =
of Auntie Establishment T-shirt and refrigerator magnet featuring the tas=
teful (and copyrighted) naked-lady-silouette-on-a-truck-mudflap logo.<SPA=
N style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>As one of the saved, you have=
also been granted access to the key to heaven.<SPAN style=3D"mso-sp=
acerun: yes"> </SPAN>You=E2=80=99ll it find under the flower pot ne=
xt to the back door.</SPAN></DIV> <DIV align=3Dleft><SPAN style=3D"FONT-S=
IZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell"></SPAN> </DIV> <DIV align=3Dleft><=
SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell"></SPAN><SPAN style=3D=
"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell">The </SPAN><st1:place><st1:Place=
Type><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell">Church</SPAN>=
</st1:PlaceType><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell"> o=
f </SPAN><st1:PlaceName><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rock=
well">Auntie Establishment</SPAN></st1:PlaceName></st1:place><SPAN style=3D=
"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell"> believes in freedom of religion=
but also freedom from religion.<SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"> =
</SPAN>We do not proselytize; we preach to the choir.<SPAN style=3D"mso-s=
pacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We do not convert; we pay the bar tab and hop=
e for the best.<SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>You are no=
t obliged to tithe to the Church, but should you happen to win big on Lot=
to, we hope you=E2=80=99ll remember the little people.</SPAN></DIV> <DIV =
align=3Dleft><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell"></SPA=
N> </DIV> <DIV align=3Dleft><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAM=
ILY: Rockwell"></SPAN><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwe=
ll">HOLY BEHAVIOR</SPAN></DIV> <DIV align=3Dleft><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE=
: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell">Drinking is fine; dancing is better.<SPAN =
style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"> Sm</SPAN>oking is kind of nasty b=
ut if you're over 18, it's up to you, and I guess is it's okay as long as=
you don=E2=80=99t do it in the car.<SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes">&nb=
sp; </SPAN>In our divine experience, this leads to burn marks on the upho=
lstery. <SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN></SPAN></DIV>=
<DIV align=3Dleft><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell"=
><SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"></SPAN></SPAN> </DIV> <DIV align=3D=
left><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell"><SPAN style=3D=
"mso-spacerun: yes"></SPAN>Tip wait staff, hairdressers, and manicurists =
well.<SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>They work harder tha=
n you do. </SPAN></DIV> <DIV align=3Dleft><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: =
11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell"></SPAN> </DIV> <DIV align=3Dleft><SPAN =
style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell"></SPAN><SPAN style=3D"FO=
NT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell">Floss before brushing.<SPAN style=3D=
"mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Use a conditioner.<SPAN style=3D"mso-sp=
acerun: yes"> </SPAN>When you eat garlic, make sure that the amorou=
s partner of your choice eats some as well.<SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: y=
es"> </SPAN>Do not hog the remote.<SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"=
> </SPAN>Do not vote Republican unless your choice is between Olymp=
ia Snowe and Zell Miller.</SPAN></DIV> <DIV align=3Dleft><SPAN style=3D"F=
ONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell"></SPAN> </DIV> <DIV align=3Dl=
eft><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell"></SPAN><SPAN s=
tyle=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell">Mr. Blackwell is not the =
source of all fashion rules.<SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"> </SP=
AN>Some were handed down directly by God.<SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes=
"> </SPAN>White shoes are acceptable only between Memorial Day and =
Labor Day.<SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>No exceptions.<=
SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Sandals should be worn onl=
y in summer and never with socks, particularly not rag wool socks, or tho=
se awful striped socks with separated toes, or any brightly-colored, Mork=
from Ork, hideous rainbow foot casings.<SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"=
> </SPAN>Wear white socks with tennis shoes, black socks with =
black shoes.<SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>This should b=
e intuitive, but if you check out your dad, you=E2=80=99ll see that it is=
n=E2=80=99t.</SPAN></DIV> <DIV align=3Dleft><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11p=
t; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell"></SPAN> </DIV> <DIV align=3Dleft><SPAN sty=
le=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell"></SPAN><SPAN style=3D"FONT-=
SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell">You never need to wear a dress. =
Ever. But this does not mean that you should wear a necktie, a=
big vest, and a floppy hat instead.<SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes">&nb=
sp; It is important to remember that we </SPAN>are not Diane Keaton.</SPA=
N></DIV> <DIV align=3Dleft><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: R=
ockwell"></SPAN><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell"></=
SPAN> </DIV> <DIV align=3Dleft><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-=
FAMILY: Rockwell"></SPAN><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Roc=
kwell">HOLY WRITS</SPAN></DIV> <DIV align=3Dleft><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE=
: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell">The complete works of E. F. Benson, Molly =
Ivins, and Fran Liebowitz. TheOnion.com. T</SPAN><SPAN style=3D=
"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell">he menu at McCormick=E2=80=99s S=
eafood in </SPAN><st1:City><st1:place><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FON=
T-FAMILY: Rockwell">Seattle; p</SPAN></st1:place></st1:City><SPAN style=3D=
"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell">ay special attention to the word=
s cr=C3=A8me brul=C3=A9e.<SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN><=
/SPAN></DIV> <DIV align=3Dleft><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMIL=
Y: Rockwell"><SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"></SPAN></SPAN> </DIV>=
<DIV align=3Dleft><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell"=
><SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"></SPAN></SPAN><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE=
: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell">HOLY ROLLING</SPAN></DIV> <DIV align=3Dlef=
t><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell">See Lotto refere=
nce above.</SPAN></DIV> <DIV align=3Dleft><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt;=
FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell"></SPAN> </DIV> <DIV align=3Dleft><SPAN style=
=3D"FONT-SIZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell"></SPAN><SPAN style=3D"FONT-SI=
ZE: 11pt; FONT-FAMILY: Rockwell; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roma=
n'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; ms=
o-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA">Now, try and use you=
r power for good instead of evil.<SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"> =
</SPAN>Amen.</SPAN> </DIV></BODY></HTML><br clea=
r=3Dall><hr>Get more from the Web. FREE MSN Explorer download : <a href=3D=
'http://explorer.msn.com'>http://explorer.msn.com</a><br></p>
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