[Vision2020] Interesting News Items

[Tom Hansen]

Bin Laden Confidant Throws in the Turban

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia – Tired of Osama bending his ear, and not wanting to
have any ears cut off by law enforcement, Khaled bin Ouda bin Mohammed
al-Harby surrendered to Saudi government officials yesterday. Taking
advantage of the “Limited Time Offer For Us Not To Behead You When We Catch
Your Fanatical Ass” amnesty program, al-Harby told Saudi television
reporters, “thank Allah, thank Allah, they were willing to extend the
deadline for me to wheel myself over from the Iranian-Afghan border. That
mountainous terrain is to be a real bitch for me to tell you.” Al-Harby —
also known as Abu Suleiman al-Makky, also known as Muhammed
al-Shamrockshakky, also known as simply Mo, is considered a potentially
valuable asset for information because of his closeness to fugitive
al-Quaeda chief Osama bin Laden. After an initial round of questioning by
authorities, Mo was unable to confirm that a high value target such as bin
Laden will be confirmed captured by the Pakistani government in the nick of
time to ruin the Democratic National Convention on live TV July 26th. He did
suggest, however, if you plan to be out drinking that night and cruising for
godless ho's instead of glued to the tube at home, you might want to set
your VCR’s, and put them on that extra, extra long play mode.

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A Ridge Too Far?

Washington, DC – It is rumored, in the July 19th edition of Newspeak
magazine, that Director of Homeland Security, Tom Ridge, has been given the
exclusive, execu-tabulous ability to throw the next election instead of
usual favorite, Jebadiah Bush, of the fine state of Florida. Oddly enough,
the American counter-terrorism officials, who are actually supposed to
counter terror, not create it, suggest that alarming intelligence exists
about Al Quaeda attacking in the United States this fall, which could let
this former governor dude of Pennsylvania keep us all from ousting the very
administration that encourages said attacks, which keeps them in business,
plus cigars and bibles to boot. Yes, Ridge could cancel the election! That
is, if he has credible intelligence. Based upon the credible intelligence
that led to the war in Iraq, one must wonder what kind of intelligence
Secretary Ridge would consider intelligent?? We can only hope that it’s not
the kind of intelligence that is only provided in the expanded report that
even a Senator’s page’s page cannot be bothered to read between trips to
Starbucks™. Regardless, after they screw us out of this coming election day
because of “credible intelligence,” we still might want to double check to
see if they might actually have meant that it was only the Forest Gump kind
again though.

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And for those of you who truly must see all sides of an argument, I presnt
you :

http://english.aljazeera.net/HomePage

Take care,

Tom Hansen
Not On The Palouse (or Auburn, Louisiana), Not Ever

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"When people sin, everybody has to pay."

- Douglas Wilson of Wilson, Inc. (dba Christ Church) (June 7, 2002),
  currently listed on the Anselm House Stock Exchange

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