[Vision2020] Jane Marple, Jane Marple, let down thy hair to me.

[Edna Wilmington]

Dear Jane,

I deeply regret hearing of your recent episode. To
wit, you and your dear niece, Joan, have my word that
I'm not to blame. Apparently, that notorious swindler,
Penny Dreadful, has been up to no good again.

You see, the letter Sir Henry Clithering showed you
has been proved a forgery, pierced through with lies. 
Had you consulted with Rev. Walter Dithering instead,
you would have been spared the mix-up, for he
witnessed the egregious crime firsthand.  Who could
have wished for a more trustworthy bystander than the
pastor of the local Church of Our Insignificant Other?

I can hardly bear the thought of you being taken in
this manner.  No doubt your fate was controlled by no
less fortuitous a set of circumstances than the unjust
trial of John Spenkelink.  Thankfully, your ordeal has
ended, since I now have occasion to set the matter
straight by informing you that I remain self-employed
and unfamiliar with doings at the establishment run by
Madam Saggers.

I trust you'll be pleased to hear that my own private
business in town has been bustling so much that
presently, I have no need of additional work.  True,
the pecuniary rewards may not be that great, but the
satisfaction of performing a helpful community service
swells my heart with pleasure.

Nevertheless, if you find yourself in need of good
service, I wouldn't look to Madam Saggers's operation
because they don't carry what you require.  Instead, I
feel safe suggesting you try St. Mary Mead's only
other house of ill repute, where the supply of extra
large egos and wee tools remains fully stocked year
round.

Your burden now eased by my report, you may rest
assured of my having received an accurate copy of your
letter to Joan, which I attest, arrived promptly one
day after you sent it by pony express.  My sources
within the system assure me no tampering occurred
along the route, which never included Sprague Avenue
in Spokane, Washington.  Please, accept my apology for
failing to confirm receipt of your message sooner, as
I was briefly preoccupied by pressing concerns of
scholarly import.

Before bidding you farewell, I must confess my
astonishment at learning of your admiration for Mr.
Brautigan's work.  It seems abnormal to me that a mind
so steely and logical as yours would perceive
greatness in his brand of ingenious schlock.  I assume
you've slipped from your regular form and perhaps
fallen victim to his cleverness unwittingly.  This
grim state of affairs lends me no option except to
pray your conundrum leaves you disinclined toward
choosing as soul-cleansing a dispatch as he.

Flattered even more, but still loving you tenderly,

Edna Wilmington

P.S. Dreadful me! I almost neglected to wish Gladys a
speedy recovery.  I have arranged for the Yellow Duck
Café to deliver a Mocha Torte to your cottage with
haste, in hopes that the sheer delight of tasting it
will lift her spirits high.

--- Art Deco <deco@moscow.com> wrote:
> My dearest Edna,
> 
>  
> 
> I have just returned from the local chemist after
> having been so shocked that I had to have a calming
> palliative.  The reason?  Sir Henry Clithering
> showed me a letter from you.  In it you accuse me of
> insinuating in a letter to my dear niece Joan that
> you are a prostitute.
> 
>  
> 
> My, for a spinster, you have an incredibly filthy
> mind!  Even Dr. Freud would be amazed at your
> egregious misinterpretation.  My non-too-bright maid
> Gladys was so upset by your letter that she had a
> bilious attack and my cottage had to be temporarily
> evacuated.  You must be horribly repressed!
> 
>  
> 
> Perhaps, your misinterpretation was due to your
> receiving a debauched copy of the letter to Joan. 
> Just so that you can see for yourself, I attach
> below a true copy of the original letter.
> 
>  
> 
> Edna, Please:
> 
>  
> 
> 1.                 Read the original letter very
> carefully;
> 
> 2.                 Keep your mind out of the gutter
> while you are doing so; and
> 
> 3.                 Take careful note of and analyze
> all the sub-texts occurring in the letter including
> the inclusion of the last sentence of Richard
> Bratigan's soul cleansing book Trout Fishing in
> America; especially note the original context of
> Bratigan's sentence in this great work.
> 
>  
> 
> After you have done the above you will see that my
> original letter clearly, unequivocally, and
> commendingly describes you not as a prostitute, but
> as a personal spiritual trainer attempting to deal
> with some spiritually inept clients!
> 
>  
> 
> I hope this clears up any misunderstanding.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Bewildered and bitterly disappointed,
> 
>  
> 
> Jane Marple
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> PS  Dearest Edna, if after doing the above, you are
> still so discommoded that you still fail to
> understand the true meaning my letter to Joan, then
> I have a heartfelt suggestion for you:  Take the
> waters and the cure at the Seminary of the
> Polyhedral God in Meander River, Alberta, Canada. 
> They have been known to produce miracles.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Attachment:
> 
>  
> 
> My dearest niece Joan,
> 
>  
> 
> Since I have known you since birth and know that you
> are a bright and able person, it pains me to have to
> disagree with about mystery woman Edna Wilmington.
> 
>  
> 
> I got the straight story when I was at the green
> grocer yesterday.  Mr. Dillweed who has been the
> grocer for more years than I care to remember and
> who is a most reliable man (oxymoron?) pulled me
> aside and told me the shocking truth!
> 
>  
> 
> It seems that Edna works for Happy Saggers, who as
> you know, is the owner and principal in that
> business that provides very personal services.
> 
>  
> 
> Happy Saggers says that Edna works for her and is a
> most prolific income producer.
> 
>  
> 
> Edna apparently only services the master and his
> immediate minions of that strange cult.
> 
>  
> 
> However, Edna grows restless.
> 
>  
> 
> Despite the steady stream of generous business, Edna
> finds the work tedious.  Edna claims that her
> clients are extremely clumsy, quick, and inept. 
> Further, she says that although their egos are
> extra, extra large, their tools are wee.
> 
>  
> 
> Edna is seriously considering returning to her
> former place of business on Sprague Avenue in
> Spokane, Washington, USA.  She says that although
> the clientele there might be a little seedier than
> her present clientele, they at least will provide
> her some non-monetary satisfaction.
> 
>  
> 
> That's the story.
> 
>  
> 
> I hope everything is fine with you and your loved
> ones.
> 
>  
> 
> Love,
> 
>  
> 
> Jane Marple
> 
>  
> 
> PS.  Please do not forget the mayonnaise.
> 
> ____________________________
> 
> End of Attachment.
> 



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