[Vision2020] Richard Burr Demands Assurance That Senators Working from Home Will Still Get Stock Tips (SATIRE)

Tom Hansen thansen at moscow.com
Fri Mar 20 10:07:56 PDT 2020

Courtesy of the New Yorker at:


Richard Burr Demands Assurance That Senators Working from Home Will Still Get Stock Tips

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid speculation that United States senators might soon be working remotely, Senator Richard Burr on Friday demanded guarantees that senators working from home will still have access to insider-trading tips.
Speaking from the well of the Senate, an impassioned Burr, a Republican from North Carolina, said that a “system needs to be put in place—not tomorrow, not next week, but today—to insure that senators receive the insider-trading information that is both our lifeblood and our birthright.”
Burr blasted the Obama Administration for not establishing contingency plans to safeguard the steady flow of stock tips to U.S. senators in the event of a pandemic, nuclear war, or asteroid strike.

“The fact that we will soon be isolated in our homes, forced to seek out stock tips through e-mails, text messages, and what have you is, to put it mildly, unconscionable,” Burr, his voice quavering with anger, told his colleagues.
The North Carolina lawmaker urged the Senate to appropriate one and a half billion dollars immediately to fund the construction of a secure portal to provide real-time insider stock tips.
Moments after his speech, it was revealed that Burr yesterday invested in SecurePortalTek, a company that builds secure portals to provide real-time insider stock tips.


Seeya 'round town, Moscow, because . . .

"Moscow Cares" (the most fun you can have with your pants on)
Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

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