[Vision2020] An American Trump

Tom Hansen thansen at moscow.com
Tue Jan 23 07:15:09 PST 2018

“An American Trump" 
From A Child's First Book of Trump by Michael Ian Black and Marc Rosenthal

Dear reader, I know that you might be confused
After spotting this creature that's been in the news.
What is this strange beast you keep hearing about?
Together, I think we can figure it out . . .

The beasty is called an American Trump.
It's skin is bright orange, it's figure is plump;
Its fur so complex, you might get enveloped.
Its hands are, sadly, underdeveloped.

Now, where does it live? On flat-screen TVs!
It rushes toward every camera it sees.
It thrives in the most contentious conditions
And excretes the most appalling emissions.

Its diet is cash, its friends all go-getters.
Its poop spells out "Trump" in ten-foot high letters.

Trump this and Trump that, and Trump buildings and steaks
Trump airplanes and clothing and several Trump mates.
Trump crap everywhere in a Trumpy Trump land.
But don't call it crap. The Trump calls it a brand.

Yes it can speak! Are you impressed?
You should be, because, a Trump's really the best.
It says so if asked, and even if not.
"I'm the best!" it declares in terms overwrought.

"I have all the best words and all the best things!
My water is bottled from all the best springs!
My wine is the best, and so is my brain.
You wanna know why? Too bad! I'll explain."

(Here's where a Trump will go on at some length
On the size of its manhood and physical strength.)

When finally done with its speech, it will grin
And say, "Now I hope that you're ready to WIN!"
For winning is what a Trump loves to do best.
"We'll be winning so much, you might get depressed."

"I've won each and every game that I've played.
Won every opinion I've ever conveyed.
Won every debate, no matter the topic.
I once had a tie - I felt philanthropic."

Making a deal? It had no superior!
Building a wall? The rest are inferior.
"My wall will be numero uno primero.
I'll pay for it using another's dinero."

And there is the crux of the Americus Trumpus:
The swagger, the boasting, the over-sized rump-us.

Its bluster's exceeded by total flamboyance.
It even makes claims of having clairvoyance:
"I KNEW this would happen!" it says aplenty.
Its hindsight is clocked at twenty and twenty.

So, what should you do with a Trump running wild?
The answer is all up to you, my dear child.
Run away screaming? Or maybe you fight it?
Reason and logic will only incite it.

You can cover your ears or run up a tree,
But the best thing to do is . . . turn off your TV.

For all of the Trump's astounding uniqueness,
It certainly has a mysterious weakness:
A Trump loves to dine on hatred and violence;
It cannot endure a moment of silence.

It's true! A Trump needs all of our noise to exist.
Without chaos, it shrinks to a sad, orange disk.

So, should you stumble upon one in the wood,
I'm not sure what you'll do; I know what you should.
Don't respond to its brags, its taunts, or its jeers.
Ignoring a Trump is a Trump's biggest fear.

But, if that plan fails and it keeps coming forth,
I hear there's an absence of Trumps in the North.


Seeya 'round town, Moscow, because . . .

"Moscow Cares" (the most fun you can have with your pants on)
Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho
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