[Vision2020] FBI To Special-Order A Pair Of Tiny Handcuffs (SATIRE)

Tom Hansen thansen at moscow.com
Wed Feb 15 08:57:37 PST 2017

Courtesy of the New Yorker at:


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Federal Bureau of Investigation is special-ordering a pair of “tiny handcuffs,” an F.B.I. spokesman confirmed on Wednesday.

The spokesman, Harland Dorrinson, downplayed the significance of the handcuff purchase, calling it “strictly routine.”

“In reviewing our inventory of handcuffs, we found that we only had models that fit normal-sized hands,” Dorrinson said. “This order is intended to remedy that.”

The F.B.I. spokesperson said that, if regulation-sized handcuffs were used on a suspect with “extremely small or tiny hands,” the suspect could slip out of them and elude capture.

“That’s the scenario we’re trying to avoid with these minuscule handcuffs,” he said.

Dorrinson would not speculate when the special-ordered pair of microscopic handcuffs might be used, but he added that the F.B.I. expects to receive them “by the end of the day at the very latest.”

“If by chance we need to apprehend someone with abnormally small, mouse-sized hands, we will be ready,” he said.


Seeya 'round town, Moscow, because . . .

"Moscow Cares" (the most fun you can have with your pants on)
Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://mailman.fsr.com/pipermail/vision2020/attachments/20170215/12cb5c68/attachment-0001.html>

More information about the Vision2020 mailing list