[Vision2020] The 20 Worst College Mascots

Sat Nov 19 14:09:46 PST 2011

Courtesy of "Real Women Watch Football" at:

http://www.realwomenwatchfootball.com/2009/09/20-worst-college-mascots.html

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Everybody loves lists and while there are so many "worst mascot" lists out there, I felt it necessary to make one of my own since I feel that many of those lists leave out ones that need to be mentioned.

I beg of you, please do leave me a comment if I have overlooked one you believe should be on this list.

20. Colgate University: Raider (I was sadly close enough to take the picture myself): 
As a Colgate alum, I can attest to the ugliness and creepiness of this mascot. What's with the sickly grey skin?  And the vibrant red hair?  Why must his hair match the hat, his jersey, and his demonic eyes?  To top everything off, he has a shit eating grin.  This satanic "raider" is very happy about coming to steal your soul.

19. UPenn: Quaker (picture c\o underthebutton):
The Quaker is always overlooked on lists like this and I don't know why since Quakers, by definition are pacifists. Does no one get that irony?! On top of the entire idea behind UPenn's mascot being hysterical, they went as far as to model him after Captain Crunch.

18. University of Nebraska: Lil' Red (picture c\o steadyburn):
Dear Nebraska, what makes you so special that you need two mascots? You have Herbie the Husker, who, while rather cheesy, is completely acceptable. Why did you deem is necessary to create Lil' Red, Big Boy's younger, pudgier, and way dorkier brother? For christ's sake, he is wearing overalls and a sideways hat. There is no way I can take him seriously. Herbie should kick Lil' Red's ass and claim his rightful place as Nebraska's only mascot.

17. TCU: Superfrog the Horned Frog: 
This mutant creature is TCU's version of a horned frog. This looks something out of Power Rangers that fell into that shit that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles did. 
Hey TCU, horned frogs are just as pathetic as regular frogs, no matter how many steroids they take..oh yea, naming it "Superfrog" makes you look desperate. 

16. Virginia Tech: HokieBird (picture c\ovtmagazine):
VTech, you can call it whatever you like, but your mascot is a turkey. A smiley, happy turkey. This plump and jolly bird makes me hungry instead of intimidated. If you insist on having fowl as a mascot, try not to make it the staple in Thanksgiving dinner. 

15. Syracuse: Otto the Orange (picture c\o sports illustrated):
Being politically correct has ruined Syracuse. Their mascot started as an Indian warrior chief (badass), then, in 1978, it became a Roman gladiator (still badass). Apparently the student body did not approve of the badass Roman gladiator and so, in the early 1980s, they decided on what you see here. An orange. FAIL. One of the other ideas was a penguin with a scarf (this would definitely still land them on this list). You cannot have a fruit as a mascot. You just can't. Also, fruit (and mascots) cannot, and should not, be "warm, fuzzy, and lovable," which is how Syracuse describes him onsyracuse athletic traditions.
14. University of Miami: Sebastian the Ibis (picture c\o stopmikelupica):
What confuses me, and should confuse everyone else, is that Sebastian does not resemble an ibis (this is an ibis). So what the hell is this? This, all you confused people in Miami, is a DUCK. If Donald Duck were to turn evil, join the navy (look at the hat), and steal Martin Scorsese's eyebrows, this is what he would look like. Oh, and he is permanently cross-eyed.

13. Tulane University: Riptide the Pelican (picture c\o tulanegreenwave):
Tulane's nickname is the "Green Wave," (yes, I know, not the greatest for a school that is constantly hit by hurricanes) and this is sort of hard to make into a mascot, but, why a pelican?! This pathetic looking mascot strikes about as much fear into opponents as their football team.
12. Southern Illinois Univ-Carbondale:Brown and Gray Dawg (picture c\osportsmed):
These "dawgs" are salukis. I know what you are asking yourself, "What the f*** is a saluki?!" A saluki is an ugly ass dog (I'm sorry if anyone owns one, but you own an ugly ass dog). They have somehow found a way to turn a dog (albeit an ugly ass one) into a heinous looking evil creature with beady eyes. Oh and the name, "dawg," that is just inexcusable.

11. Harvard University: John Harvard:
If I was John Harvard, I would rise from the dead and kick someone's ass over this. I'm assuming that the people at Harvard are so busy and don't have the time to design a mascot. So what'd they do? Took that deformed guy from 300, removed the hump, made him have a stroke, and added an over sized Pilgrim hat. 

10. Middle Tennessee State University:Lightning (pictures c\o mtsu and thewizofodds): 
I felt it necessary to add both pictures so you get the full effect. While Middle Tennessee State's nickname is the "Raiders," they have opted to have a bright blue pegasus as a mascot. You have the opportunity to make a badass mascot and instead you use a My Little Pony reject. I also don't know why he needs a glittery magical cape if he has wings.

9. Akron: Zippy the Kangaroo (picture c\ogozips):Really? Zippy the Kangaroo? If you really want to make a Kangaroo badass (though I'm not sure why, out of all the animals in the world, you would want a Kangaroo to begin with) don't make him look like a something you find in a children's book. Add boxing gloves and make him look mean. For God's sake, don't add a dippy hat and dumb sweater. And don't name him "Zippy," even if you are the "Zips."

8. Concordia College: Cobber (picture c\o espn): An ear of corn. Albeit, an angry ear of corn, but still, it's a god damn ear of corn.
A few questions for whoever at Concordia designed this obscenity: why does the corn cob have arms, legs, huge sneakers and hair (I won't bother asking about the face)? More importantly, this ear of corn is rotten and needs to be thrown out; it has a large amount of green fuzz on it's legs.

7. Upper Iowa University:Pete the Peacock (picture c\oupperiowaathletics):
This is just plain ridiculous. Peacocks are known for their beautiful plumage, not for being fierce fighting machines. Upper Iowa should have gone with Sammy the Swan, at least swans are vicious enough to attack people. 

6. Maryland: Testudo the Terrapin(picture c\o coxnewsweb):
“Fear the Turtle.” Absolutely not. Why? Because turtles, especially this pathetic looking one, are slow, stupid, little reptiles incapable of frightening anything. When a turtle is scared, it goes into it's own shell and cowers. Need I say more? Didn't think so.

5. University of California, Berkeley: Oski the Bear (picture c\o cnet):This, ladies and gentlemen, is what happened to Yogi Bear. Having grown tired of stealing "pic-a-nic baskets" in Jellystone Park, Yogi changed his name and moved to Berkeley, CA. He traded in his hat, collar, and tie and now sports an old man cardigan and gloves and shows up to Cal's games to help cheer. You may notice Yogi's receding hairline and worry that he may not be able to keep this going forever, but no worry, Boo Boo has agreed to take on the gig when Yogi gets too old to do so.

4. Scottsdale Community College:Artie the Fighting Artichoke(picture c\o cbsnews):
This is no ordinary artichoke. This is Artie and he is a "fighting artichoke." How does something that happy fight? How exactly would he fight anyway? He doesn't seem to have be able to move him arms. 
I really wish I could make this kind of stuff up. I'm simply astounded by this joyous looking artichoke. He should have his own children's show, kids would love him!

3. Campbell University: Gaylord the Camel (picture c\o bofads):
1. His name is Gaylord. 2. He is a camel. I rest my case.

2. Williams College: Ephelia the Purple Cow (picture c\otheithacan):
There are a plethora of mascots out there and Williams College chose a moo-moo cow. To top it off, she is bright purple with yellow spots and horns. Barney, I have found you a girlfriend.

1. Stanford University: Tree:

Now, this is not the official mascot, because Stanford does not have one! The tree, which is supposed to be a redwood tree, is part of the band. Regardless of this not being the "official" mascot, their nickname is a cardinal (not the bird, the color--apparently just saying "red" is not good enough for the people of Stanford) All that aside, seriously, what the hell are they thinking? All those smart people at Stanford and this is the best they came up with. 
I don't even know where to start. The googly eyes, the big ass grin, the construction paper cut out leaves that are glued haphazardly. But, the best part is the bow-tie and top hat. Leave it to Stanford to make sure their "mascot" is always ready for an impromptu formal event. I would say that it looks like something that special kindergarten kids, you know-the ones who eat glue and paint chips, make in art class, but I wouldn't want to insult those poor kids; they would make one way better.

Honorable mentions (they didn't make the list is because they don't have a football team, but they are so bad they need to be mentioned):
The University of California-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs - This needs no explanation. At all.
Evergreen State College Geoducks - They even have "the geoduck fight song" and an explanation of what a geoduck is (I sure as hell had no idea) on the website.
Pepperdine University Waves - Pepperdine isn't even trying. As you can see, Willie the Wave has on a Hawaiian shirt, bathing suit, flip flops, sunglasses, and a big ass cheesy grin. I'm not sure what is worse, the new Willie or the old willie. 
Providence College Friars - Apparently Providence College made a happy-go-lucky Klan's member their mascot. How cute.
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Seeya round town, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

"If not us, who?
If not now, when?"

- Unknown
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