[Vision2020] The Next Amendment

[Ron Force]

Humor: Corporations gain a new weapon
First it was political spending. And now the right to bear arms? The Supreme Court can't do enough for big business.
By Steve Clifford 
January 25, 2010.
Overturning multiple precedents, yesterday the Supreme 
Court ruled that corporations have “the right to bear arms and form 
militias.” 
The 5-to-4 decision followed last week’s decision in Citizens United 
v. Federal Election Commission that the First Amendment applies to 
corporations, and therefore the government cannot limit their political 
spending.
Writing for the majority Chief Justice Roberts opined, “If the first 
amendment applies to corporations, surely the second amendment also 
applies. Since corporations have no history of abusing their power, we 
expect that they will employ their private armies with restraint and 
discretion.” 
The majority held that the decision validated the founding fathers’ 
basic principle: that neither the government, nor the people, has the 
right to restrain corporations. “This was their original intent, and if 
it wasn’t, it should have been,” Roberts continued.
In his opening statement during his nomination hearings Roberts 
stated, “I have no agenda…My job is to call balls and strikes and not to pitch or bat.”  He claimed that his job had not changed. “My job is 
still to call balls and strikes. However, I have decided to give 
corporations 86 strikes rather than three.”
In a concurring opinion Justice Thomas wrote, “I don’t remember much, but I always vote with my friends — Scalia, Alito, Roberts, and 
Kennedy. We Catholics need to stick together.”
In a blistering dissent Justice Stevens labeled the decision irrelevant to the case at hand, Clifford v. Seattle. “Clifford appealed a parking ticket on the grounds that the meter maid was overeducated. It 
had nothing to do with second amendment rights.”  For the majority 
Justice Scalia retorted, “Buzz off, Johnny. We’ve got five votes and we 
will be here for decades. Deal with it.”
It is not immediately clear how corporations will use their new 
powers. CEO Rex Tillerson promised that Exxon Mobil military forces 
would be used “only to counter terrorist threats against Exxon's pricing flexibility, Exxon's offshore drilling, and Exxon silencing of global 
warming alarmists.” CEO Lloyd Blankfein signaled that Goldman Sachs 
would outsource all military operations to Blackwater. “The average 
Goldman employee earned $498,000 in 2009. That is far too much for an 
ordinary soldier who risks only death.”
Next week the court is expected to hold that audits of corporations 
by the IRS, SEC, and other regulatory agencies constitute unreasonable 
search and seizure and are banned by the third amendment.


Steve Clifford writes humor for Crosscut. In his unhumorous life, 
he was CEO of King Broadcasting and once played a role in saving New 
York City from bankruptcy.
View this story online at: http://crosscut.com/2010/01/25/flip-side/19536/
© 2010 Crosscut Public Media. All rights reserved.


      
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