[Vision2020] Kibbie Dome To Become Pigouts

[Garrett Clevenger]

Did you all see this article in today's Argonaut?


Kibbie Dome To Become Pigouts
by Ima Joaker
April 1, 2009

MOSCOW- The University of Idaho's Board of Regents unanimously approved plans on Tuesday to sell the Kibbie Dome to Pigouts, a retailer based out of Florida. UI president Paya Mia Mora said the sale is intended to stave off bankruptcy at the university. "The Kibbie Dome is a money pit and the UI is in a crater. We need to do everything we can to insure there's enough dollars to pay my salary."

The sale immediately became controversial, with some welcoming a new cheap retailer into the area. Past UI senator Donovan Arnold was among those who approved, saying, "I don't know where else you can get a gallon of Mountain Dewdew for one dollar!"

Others were more skeptical of the sale, fearing local businesses would be out-competed and the aquifer would be depleted. Water guardians Bill and Dianne French issued a statement saying, "The UI will be selling unlimited water to Pigouts for a subsidized rate. This allows Pigouts to have an unfair competitive advantage while not encouraging water conservation."

It is cheap water that makes Pigouts so attractive, and profitable. Pigouts's business model is to find desperate communities, buy taxpayer-financed large buildings there, and negotiate low water rates. They then make Mountain Dewdew on site and sell it cheap, which is the lure to bring in customers. Once in, customers are so overwhelmed with stuff, and buzzed on the Dewdew, they "pig-out" and buy all kinds of things they never knew they needed.

Moscow's Pigouts will be unique. They plan to provide space for the Topfree Carwash Club {http://mailman.fsr.com/pipermail/vision2020/2008-April/052935.html}, a private club that had trouble finding an adequate location. TCC founder Dan Carscallen said, "We've become so popular we don't got enough room right now. Pigouts has space for us, and the water they'll sell us will be cheaper than the city's. They also sell cheap Chinese soap, so we'll never run out again."

Hawkins immediately withdrew its proposal to build its mega-mall across the state line. Company CEO Jeff Hess  said, "There's no way people will come to Hawkins with Pigouts nearby. They are superior in many ways and we know when to quit."

Moscow councilman Walter Steed was frustrated by Hawkins departure, saying "I just spent the last year trying to make Hawkins happen, and this is the thanks I get."

UI President Mora also announced his resignation, saying the economic outlook for education in Idaho was grim, and he could make more money in the private sector. He accepted a manager position at Pigouts.

This is the tenth president to resign from the university in as many months. Next in line to assume leadership is philosophy professor Nick Gier. His latest writing, "Why Americans are going to Hell" proved popular among religious people in Idaho, so he predicts he's off to a good start, saying, "The truth resonates." He also said he's happy with his current salary, and does not need to make the $300,000 annual salary the current UI president makes. That was applauded statewide.

Local rabble-rouser Garrett Clevenger, who opposed the city selling water to Hawkins, was ambivalent about Pigouts coming to town. "I get everything I need on Moscow Mountain. But I am tempted to try some locally made Mountain Dewdew. What's a dude to do?"

Pigouts CEO Bill "Oink" Wiley promised to make Moscow's Pigouts stand out. "We plan to paint the dome pink, attach a huge pig head facing west, four feet, and a cute little tail on the eastside. The topless carwash will be put at the back end, so as to minimize any controversy it may have."

Most UI students liked that plan, saying that means the TCC will be closer to campus.