[Vision2020] Abusive relationships

[Ralph Nielsen]

>
> RALPH NIELSEN
> An interesting post from another list. Read down.
________________________________________________________________
>
> Dear Panel,
>
> This seemed incredible the first time I read it. I happened upon an
> article on emotional abuse that included a checklist of symptoms  
> whereby
> you can judge whether you're in an emotionally harmful  
> relationship. You
> may be wondering what this has to do with religion. I'll ask you  
> ladies
> and gentlemen to first read the list and then follow me down an
> interesting line of reasoning.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
> ---
> Signs of Abusive, Authority-Based Relationships
> Based on an adaptation of work from Alice Miller's "For Your Own Good"
> and John Bradshaw's "Healing the Shame That Binds You"
>
> Authority figures can be parents, partners, teachers, principals,
> supervisors, religious figureheads, cult leaders, etc. Dependents  
> can be
> children, partners, students, employees, religious followers, etc.  
> What
> matters is that there is a power imbalance and a dependence of some
> sort, whether physical, financial, "spiritual," psychological or  
> emotional.
>
>     1. Authority figures are the masters of their dependents.
>
>     2. Authority figures alone decide what is right and wrong.
>
>     3. They alone make up the definitions, the rules, and the
> "consequences" (i.e. punishment)
>
>     4. Dependents are held responsible for the authority figure's
> feelings (anger, disappointment, embarrassment, humiliation, happiness
> and unhappiness)
>
>     5. The authority figure is only responsible and accountable for  
> good
> things that happen, never the bad ones. Thus the authority figure
> appears to always be in the right and when things go wrong, the
> dependent is always blamed and feels responsible and guilty.
>
>     6. The authority figure tries to exercise total control of the
> dependent by controlling his thoughts, feelings and behavior. Whenever
> this control is not absolute, the authority figure feels threatened.
>
>     7. The dependent's individuality is minimized as much as  
> possible by
> the authority figure.
>
>     8. The authority figure creates an intricate system of punishments
> and rewards which rob the dependent of any sense of inner direction  
> and
> esteem.
>
>     9. The following freedoms listed by Virginia Satire are denied to
> the dependent as much as possible:
>
>         The freedom to perceive
>         To think and interpret
>         To feel
>         To want, need, and choose
>
>     10. The authority figure never (or rarely) admits mistakes or
> apologizes.
>
>     11. All of the above take place in a way which does not expose the
> authority figure's true motives and none of this is openly talked  
> about.
> No "back talk" is allowed.
>
> Some of the Consequences
>
>     * Mistakes are concealed
>     * People are under constant stress
>     * Needs are frustrated, denied
>     * Fear dominates
>     * Power is based on fear, not respect
>     * Information is withheld and distorted
>     * Information flow is primarily from top down
>     * Behavior is forced; does not come naturally
>     * Behavior is not consistent with true feelings, which adds to the
> stress
>     * Conflicts and problems are blamed on the dependent's "poor
> attitudes" and "character flaws."
>
> All of this tears the dependent person apart, causing self-alienation
> and even self-loathing. The dependent person loses faith in his/her  
> own
> mind and feelings with devastating self-esteem consequences.  
> Depression,
> rage, mood swings, co-dependency, self-injury and self-destruction are
> typical outcomes. If the authority figure is a parent the person will
> likely develop symptoms of various "disorders" such as the so-called
> Borderline Personality disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Anorexia,
> Bulimia, etc.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
> --
> Do you know what is amazing about this list? Replace "authority  
> figure"
> with "supreme being" and "dependent" with "believer", and you'll  
> have a
> PERFECT description of the bizarre relationships some people have  
> with deities.
> Now read the list again.
> ____________________________________________________________________
DOUG
 > > Yes, that was pretty accurate regarding the
 > > fundamentalist's relationship with God. However, the
 > > main difference is this: In an abusive relationship
 > > with a person, at least the abusive person exists.
 > > God does not.
 > >
 > > Which makes the whole thing turn from abuse to
 > > insanity with regard to the fundamentalist.
 > >
 > RALPH
 > But Doug, please don't forget that "God" is merely the instrument of
 > the real "authority figure," the preacher or the evangelist.
 >
 > ---
 >DEBORAH writes:
Very good point Ralph!