[Vision2020] Abusive relationships

[Ralph Nielsen]

Does any of this sound familiar? It's from another panel.
Ralph

Dear Panel,

This seemed incredible the first time I read it. I happened upon an
article on emotional abuse that included a checklist of symptoms whereby
you can judge whether you're in an emotionally harmful relationship. You
may be wondering what this has to do with religion. I'll ask you ladies
and gentlemen to first read the list and then follow me down an
interesting line of reasoning.

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Signs of Abusive, Authority-Based Relationships
Based on an adaptation of work from Alice Miller's "For Your Own Good"
and John Bradshaw's "Healing the Shame That Binds You"

Authority figures can be parents, partners, teachers, principals,
supervisors, religious figureheads, cult leaders, etc. Dependents can be
children, partners, students, employees, religious followers, etc. What
matters is that there is a power imbalance and a dependence of some
sort, whether physical, financial, "spiritual," psychological or  
emotional.

     1. Authority figures are the masters of dependents.

     2. Authority figures alone decide what is right and wrong.

     3. They alone make up the definitions, the rules, and the
"consequences" (i.e. punishment)

     4. Dependents are held responsible for the authority figure's
feelings (anger, disappointment, embarrassment, humiliation, happiness
and unhappiness)

     5. The authority figure is only responsible and accountable for  
good
things that happen, never the bad ones. Thus the authority figure
appears to always be in the right and when things go wrong, the
dependent is always blamed and feels responsible and guilty.

     6. The authority figure tries to exercise total control of the
dependent by controlling his thoughts, feelings and behavior. Whenever
this control is not absolute, the authority figure feels threatened.

     7. The dependent's individuality is minimized as much as  
possible by
the authority figure.

     8. The authority figure creates an intricate system of punishments
and rewards which rob the dependent of any sense of inner direction and
esteem.

     9. The following freedoms listed by Virginia Satire are denied to
the dependent as much as possible:

         The freedom to perceive
         To think and interpret
         To feel
         To want, need, and choose

     10. The authority figure never (or rarely) admits mistakes or
apologizes.

     11. All of the above take place in a way which does not expose the
authority figure's true motives and none of this is openly talked about.
No "back talk" is allowed.

Some of the Consequences

     * Mistakes are concealed
     * People are under constant stress
     * Needs are frustrated, denied
     * Fear dominates
     * Power is based on fear, not respect
     * Information is withheld and distorted
     * Information flow is primarily from top down
     * Behavior is forced; does not come naturally
     * Behavior is not consistent with true feelings, which adds to the
stress
     * Conflicts and problems are blamed on the dependent's "poor
attitudes" and "character flaws."

All of this tears the dependent person apart, causing self-alienation
and even self-loathing. The dependent person loses faith in his/her own
mind and feelings with devastating self-esteem consequences. Depression,
rage, mood swings, co-dependency, self-injury and self-destruction are
typical outcomes. If the authority figure is a parent the person will
likely develop symptoms of various "disorders" such as the so-called
Borderline Personality disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Anorexia,
Bulimia, etc.
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Do you know what is amazing about this list? Replace "authority figure"
with "supreme being" and "dependent" with "believer", and you'll have a
perfect description of the bizarre relationship some people have with  
deities.