[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real time With Bill Maher" (March 9, 2007)

[Tom Hansen]

New Rules from "Real time With Bill Maher" (March 9, 2007)

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New Rule: Mitt Romney-must stop using the state of Massachusetts as a
punchline unless he prefaces it with, "You know, the state that is so
horribly liberal I chose to live and raise my family there for the last 30
years." You don't hear Bush trashing Texas or Cheney making fun of
Transylvania.

New Rule: Ex-New Yorkers have to stop bitching about how there's no good
pizza in L.A. You're a junior agent at William Morris, not Joe Pesci. People
in L.A. don't care about pizza because, unlike New Yorkers, after we pay
rent, we have money left over to buy real food.

New Rule: There are no Kodak moments if you can't show your face. And you
thought your vacation photos were boring. "Wife #3, can you scoot in a bit,
I'm cutting off your arm." "Oh, wait, that's the arm I actually did cut
off." I'm going to get pissed in a minute, but, okay.

And finally, New Rule: The right wing press has to spare us the inevitable
spate of stories about how the surge in Iraq is working. You know, like it's
a dandruff shampoo. Let me give you a preview of what the next few months
are going to look like. This is the cover of the National Review from May of
2005. The first line of the story says, "It is time to say it unequivocally,
we are winning in Iraq." Then there's an article predicting that Britney
Spears will be bigger than the Beatles because she's a musical genius who
totally has her shit together. 

Now, before you even start with the "there you go, rooting for America to
fail," no, I'm not. I'm rooting for you to see reality. I'd love us to turn
things around in Iraq. But, so far, The Secret isn't making it happen. Yes,
murders are down in Baghdad since the surge started. Just the way daddy
stops hitting mommy when the police are standing on the front porch.

The way you tend to stop having sex with your secretary when your wife walks
in the room. This is what John McCain called our "Whack-a-Mole" strategy,
except that you can actually win at "Whack-a-Mole." But, we can't stay in
Baghdad forever. Yes, we can temporarily stem violence in any given area
with our policy of going house-to-house, kicking in doors and rousting the
locals. Or, as Bush calls it, "winning hearts and minds."

But, we're not going to bluff the Arabs into thinking we're more stubborn
than they are. That's like trying to bring peace to Northern Ireland with a
drinking contest.

Now, I would never say that Islam is not a religion of peace. Because if you
do, they'll kill you. It's a religion of peace. There's a piece of you
there. There's a piece of you over there. But, this little tiff between the
Crips and the Bloods over there that's been going on since 632 A.D., and
there are only so many times you can turn the corner before you realize
you're going in circles. 

I've seen this movie, this "Surge" movie. It's called "Staying the Course,"
and it stars President "Daydream Believer" as a square-jawed fighter pilot
who refuses to give up. And it ends with him back in Texas, driving his
go-kart into a guppy pond.

The news may be getting better out of Iraq, but the truth isn't.

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Seeya round town, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

"As more and more heathens 'choose' to not have children the number of Godly
souls will increase. If the number of Christian births out number the number
of Islamic births the battle will be over in 3 or 4 generations."

- Doug "No-Clue" Farris (March 10, 2007)