[Vision2020] Best of Late Night (Humor)

[Tom Hansen]

"The horrible odor that covered New York City yesterday turned out to be a
rotting swamp in New Jersey. The name of the swamp is - New Jersey." 

-Conan O'Brien 

 

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has called for universal health care
coverage for all Californians. He came up with this idea while falling down
a hill in Idaho and breaking his leg." 

-Jay Leno

 

"Boy, it's cold today in New York City. Did you notice how cold it was? It
was so cold in New York City today that Britney Spears is wearing
underpants." 

-David Letterman

 

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a speech yesterday where he said that
he wanted to spend billions of dollars rebuilding California's
infrastructure. Apparently, everyone thought it was a great speech, except
for that 45-minute part where Arnold tried to say "infrastructure.""

-Conan O'Brien

 

"Last night Ohio State was beat by Florida in the NCAA football championship
game. Troy Smith the Heisman winner and quarterback for Ohio State only
threw four complete passes. It was the most embarrassing performance by a
Heisman winner since O.J. " 

-Jay Leno

 

"The company that makes Taser guns for law enforcement officials has begun
selling a new model of Taser gun to the general public. The new Taser gun is
available at any store - in the "accident waiting to happen" aisle."

-Conan O'Brien 

 

"Oh my God, anybody here from California? Do we have anybody here? Well,
fortunately, they got it under control, but there was a big fire in Malibu.
It did a lot of damage. As a matter of fact, they say it wrecked more homes
than Angelina Jolie." 

-David Letterman 

 

"A Japanese government report concluded that Japan could make a nuclear
weapon in 3 to 5 years. The report also concluded that the Japanese nuclear
weapon would be similar to an American nuclear weapon but be smaller and
more fuel efficient."

-Jay Leno

 

"Did you hear what Saddam's last words were? I saw it today. He said, "The
Giants made the playoffs?""

-David Letterman

 

"Britain announced today that they're working on plans to send the first
British person to the moon. British officials say they've already chosen an
astronaut - now they just need to figure out how to dehydrate meat pudding."


-Conan O'Brien

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Seeya round town, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, a drink in the other, body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO. What a ride!'"