[Vision2020] Dingbats, Dodos And Doozies

[Tom Hansen]

>From the "Life of Reilly" column, by Rick Reilly, in the November 24, 2006
edition of Sports Illustrated -

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Dingbats, Dodos And Doozies
By Rick Reilly

Okay, who's ready to play What the Hell Were You Thinking, You Lard-Brained
Ferret? 

We start with you, Mr. Dan Hinkle of Fairfax County, Virginia. 

You're the commissioner of a youth football league who decided to fire your
son's coach because the guy switched your precious 12-year-old, Scott, from
defense to offense for one game. You got rid of a man, James Owens, whom the
kids loved so much, they refused to keep playing without him, even though
they were in the playoffs! How Daddy Dearest can you be? We found out in an
e-mail you wrote to Owens before the season started: 

"Scott does not sit out on defense -- ever.... He goes in and stays in. That
includes all practices, scrimmages and games. This entire league exists so
he can play defense...."

Now you, Ms. Gaylene Heppe of Attleboro, Massachusetts. 

As the principal of Willett Elementary School, you decided to ban tag. You
said there were liability and safety issues involved with it. Tag! You also
banned touch football and any other "contact" sports. What do you have
there, a school full of hemophiliacs? 

Don't you know that American kids are getting fatter than legless cats?
Don't you know that the Centers for Disease Control predict that one out of
three kids born in 2000 will likely develop diabetes, with obesity as a
major risk factor? How are kids supposed to get exercise, by stacking cups? 

It's worry-wimps like you who are raising the softest, most coddled, most
indolent American generation in history. Schools have already taken away
dodgeball and jungle gyms and diving boards. What's next, hopscotch? We're
raising a generation of kids who'll bruise like bad bananas, sue when they
lose at checkers and wonder why somebody isn't handing them a trophy for
tying their shoes, which, by the way, they'll see for the last time at 16. 

Your turn, Mr. Wayne Derkotch of Philadelphia. 

Your son plays in a league for six- and seven-year-olds -- six- and
seven-year-olds! -- and you felt he wasn't getting enough playing time, so
you yelled at the coach, and the two of you ended up in a fight, which
caused you, like any honorable man, to pull a .357 Magnum on him, according
to witnesses. 

You were booked for assault and reckless endangerment, and you may soon be
getting plenty of playing time yourself -- in a prison rec yard. In a
perfect world, Mr. Derkotch, you'd show someone that gun in your waistband
and it'd go off in Yerkrotch. 

Now you, Mr. Mack Malone, the football coach at Willis (Texas) High. 

One day last month, just before practice, you found out that six of your
players were going to be late because they'd been giving blood for the
school's blood drive. So what did you do? You kicked them off the team. 

What was going on in your single-celled plankton brain? Is that the lesson
you're trying to teach your players, that saving time is more important than
saving lives? 

After a big fuss was raised, you let the kids back on the team, but you
still took away their starting jobs. In a perfect world, Coach, a wayward
track-team javelin would land on your foot -- during practice -- forcing you
to start your own blood drive. 

Finally, stand before the judge, Mr. Kyle Tobin of Oscoda, Michigan. 

Your Oscoda Area High football team got fricasseed every game this year.
Didn't even score a point. Your players literally were getting clobbered.
So, after four games, you canceled the rest of the season. 

What were you thinking, you right-thinking, responsible leader? 

In America coaches just don't do that. The guys with the whistles and
polyester shorts would rather every kid on the team leave with a broken nose
or a jigsaw-puzzle knee than quit. But you had the nerve to actually care
for these kids beyond what they meant to your résumé. When a team is losing
by scores of 46-0, 30-0 and 44-0 (twice) and barely has enough players to
fill a roster, that's not football, that's just organized child abuse. 

"I have 28 years of coaching experience in high school and college," you
said, "and I know the difference between a team playing bad and a team
that's unsafe." 

Some of the parents wailed and some of the players protested, but your mind
was made up, and your decision stands. 

In a perfect sports world you'd be in charge of everybody else.

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Seeya round town, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, a drink in the other, body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO. What a ride!'"