[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time" with Bill Maher (May 12, 2006)

[Tom Hansen]

New Rules from "Real Time" with Bill Maher (May 12, 2006)

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We've got New Rules coming up. 

New Rule: You can't chant "America, you lose," at your trial, and then ask
for another chance. Zacarias Moussaioui says he has more faith in juries
now, and he wants to change his plea to "not guilty." Sorry, Zac, that's not
how we roll here. If we wanted to give second chances to loons who scream
death threats, we'd remarry Charlie Sheen. 

New Rule: If turning on my cell phone can bring down your commercial
airliner, build a better plane. Right? I mean, the number of people who
carry hand-held electrical devices these days equals the number of people
who have hands. To give them all veto power over whether the other
passengers live or die seems like a flaw in the system. 

New Rule: The head of the CIA should be scary looking. [photo shown of
Michael Hayden] I don't care - I don't care that he's a general. I care that
he looks like this guy. [photo shown of "Chicken Little"] 

New Rule: Airplane black boxes must now be made out of Keith Richards. The
man, who has taken more drugs than Whitney Houston, Rush Limbaugh and Robert
Downey, Jr., combined, recently fell out of a tree, and then crashed a jet
ski. And yet, somehow, that cigarette never fell out of his mouth. What is
this guy still running on? I've got to know. Because I'm beginning to think
the future of medicine isn't injecting stem cells, it's injecting heroin. 

And finally, New Rule: George Bush has to stop laughing at himself. When
you're incompetence literally costs lives, giggling at it isn't cute or
funny. You know, there's a guy who's been running around the country
pretending he's the president, and I believe his name is George Bush. And he
wants everyone to know that he doesn't take himself too seriously. Which is
working out great, because now nobody else in the world does either. 

You know, if the Republicans really want to joke around, I've got one for
you. Knock, knock. 

AUDIENCE: Who's there? 

MAHER: Hillary. Now, this is our last show of the season, and I'm rather
proud that we've gone all 13 weeks without once making George Bush the
subject of our show-ending editorial. Because I didn't want to start
sounding like a broken record. Or, to you kids, a degraded MP3 file. Oh,
there may have been a stray George Bush punchline here and there. But, come
on. I am a comedian and he is a retard. 

But, f*** it, this is our, this is our last show. This is our last show for
a while and I just want to say that when we come back on August 25th, the
week of Bill Clinton's 60th birthday, and a great time for him to do the
show. Wouldn't you love to see him do the show, folks? Bill Clinton,
everywhere I go. So, your move, Mr. President. But when we come back, I hope
we're only months away from the beginning of impeachment proceedings. 

But, wait. But not for what you think. Now, of course there is a laundry
list of valid reasons for impeaching this president. But George Bush and his
nest of vipers don't deserve to be impeached with dignity for transgressions
involving lofty affairs of state. They deserve the far worse state that
Clinton got: being impeached for absolutely nothing at all! 

And that's why I want to impeach Bush over the fact that he lied about that
fish! He said he caught a perch twice as large as any perch that's ever been
caught! And that's a lie about a fish! In a time of war! And if he will lie
about a fish, then...something, something, something, what do we tell the
children? What do we tell Mrs. Paul?! That perch was as American as a
McDonald's fish sandwich. Assuming for the sake of argument that a
McDonald's fish sandwich contained fish. 

So, Mr. President, don't laugh at yourself, because breaking the law is not
cute. Having Americans torture people isn't adorable. Leaving poor people to
drown wasn't enchanting. And WMD's wasn't a shaggy dog story. So, I'll make
a deal with you. We won't impeach you if you just stay on your estate - I
mean "ranch" - and fish on your man-made lake. For perch. Maybe you'll beat
your own record. 

But, for the next three years, just don't touch anything. I was wrong when I
criticized you for taking too much vacation time. It couldn't be more the
reverse. Take all the "me" days you want. But if you get any big ideas and
try to do something, you know, like go to Mars or put the Ten Commandments
on the flag, or turn the ports over to the Amish, then we're going to have
to put you in the only place we can be sure we can be safe from you. And it
looks like this. [photo shown of David Blaine's water-filled Plexiglas
globe]

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Seeya round town, Moscow.

t hansen
Moscow, Idaho

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, a drink in the other, body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO. What a ride!'"