[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time" wWith Bill Maher (March 17, 2006)

[Tom Hansen]

New Rules from "Real Time" wWith Bill Maher  (March 17, 2006)

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Time for New Rules, everybody. 

New Rule: When President Bush-[laughter at photo of Bush with autistic young
man] - when President Bush meets an autistic teenager, they must wear name
tags so we can tell them apart. 

New Rule: Stop saying you're resigning because you want to spend more time
with your family or because you want to return to the private sector, or
because of your health. That's all just code for "I'm about to be indicted."
Oh, and by the way, one way to tell you're not a brilliant criminal
mastermind? When you get taken down by the checkout girl at Target. 

New Rule: Bluetooth headset users have to do something that lets me know
you're just on the phone and not a dangerous schizophrenic. Right? We don't
know if you're talking to your secretary or the evil leprechaun who lives in
your head. You're not the chief communications officer of the Starship
Enterprise. You're a shoe salesman asking your mom if you can bring over
your laundry. If I wanted to overhear every tedious scrap of brain static
rattling around in your head, I'd read your blog. 

New Rule: You can't be as tired as we are of you. The latest excuse for Bush
Administration foul-ups is that top members of the White House staff are
physically and emotionally exhausted. ["aw" from the audience] Hmm. If there
was just some sort of stress-relieving activity that could be performed
right there in the Oval Office... 

BELZER: Great job. 

MAHER: Yeah, well, I'd suggest a nice vacation out in the country, but the
last time that happened, somebody got shot. 

And finally, New Rule: The Republican and Democratic frontrunners for
president in 2008 have to stop making me throw up until at least 2007. This
week, the Republicans had a straw poll for the 2008 presidential election.
2008? The Democrats still have work to do losing the midterms. Diebold
hasn't even started printing the false ballots! 

And President "McDumbass" still has three more years of bloopers, boners and
practical jokes! 

But an interesting thing happened at this straw poll. Senator John McCain,
the man the Vietnamese couldn't crack in torture chambers, got up and said,
"Don't vote for me. Vote for George Bush, even though he can't run again."
Wow, this guy is so far up Bush's ass, he can taste the near-beer. Because,
in America, if you want the nomination bad enough, we can't just see you eat
dirt; we have to watch you lick it off your lips. 

And if you're going to win a national election, we're going to need to see
some real proof that you're stupid enough to carry Kansas. Sorry, but if you
think that issues like creationism or flag-burning or boys kissing are more
important than messing up Iraq, the state of health insurance and the
evaporating planet earth, then I have two words for you: the Sylvan Learning
Center. Okay, that's four words, but the point remains... 

The vote that frontrunners McCain and Hillary Clinton have already made very
clear they're going after the wedge-issue cement-heads. McCain, who once
called Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson "forces of evil," has now come out
for teaching "intelligent design." That is sad, when smart people have to
pretend to be so dumb to get elected. 

Hillary - Hillary Clinton is all upset about flag-burning. Really? The
valedictorian at Wellesley? The graduate of Yale Law School and the first
female in outer space? Is upset about flag-burning?! And not just
flag-burning. She's also come out hard against sexy video games and easy
access to abortions. Great. What am I supposed to do now on Saturday night? 

But if, like Hillary Clinton, America sees you as a true intellectual-and by
that, of course, I mean lesbian-you have to smile extra wide when you get
fitted for your "I'm with Stupid" tee-shirt. It may look easy, but when
you're a politician, it's hard to figure out 'what would soccer moms think
Jesus would do' before you answer every question. 

So, don't get me wrong. I love idiots. I just don't think they should be in
charge. And I'll tell you why. Because the majority of Americans are not
idiots. Assholes, yes. But, idiots, no.

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Seeya round town, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

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"In America, anybody can become president.  
That's one of the risks you take . . ."

- Adlai Stevenson

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