[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time with Bill Maher" (February 17, 2006)

[Tom Hansen]

>From last Friday's (February 17, 2006) "Real Time with Bill Maher" -

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New Rules. 

How about that? All right, ready? [slide of Olympic luger] New Rule: If you
play a sport where most of the speed comes from gravity, you're not an
athlete, you're a weight. 

New Rule: You're not posing nude unless I can see your genitals. A peek at
Scarlett Johansen's rump is not good enough, especially when I've had Jake
Gyllenhaal's butt in my face twice this year. Which is weird, because I
haven't seen "Jarhead" or "Brokeback Mountain." 

New Rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire
department when they catch fire. Sorry, Reverend, that's one of those
services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay
for; you can pray for rain. Oh, I'm going to get letters on that one. 

New Rule: The Olympics must stop putting on opening ceremonies that make me
wonder if someone slipped acid into my drink. I tell you, you watch four
hours of skaters with flaming torch helmets racing around interpretive
dancers dressed in camouflage condoms, all while people in lederhosen play
sixty-foot trombones, and suddenly that-[slide of luger]-starts to make
sense. 

New Rule: Let Britney be Britney. Darwin's survival of the fittest depends
on hillbillies being left alone to do stupid hillbilly things. Like sticking
forks in toasters and leaving babies in front seats, and going hunting with
Dick Cheney. She's Britney Spears. Of course, she's going to drive with the
baby on her lap. We're just lucky she didn't get it mixed up with an empty
and throw it out the window. 

And finally, New Rule: Stop worrying that the government is listening in on
your phone conversation. The person you called isn't even listening to your
phone conversation. Any American in this day and age who thinks they're not
being monitored is so naive and oblivious, I can't believe they're not
working already for the Bush Administration. 

Which...which is not to say it isn't creepy thinking of Karl Rove monitoring
my emails. Which is why all of mine say the same thing: "Hey, did you hear
freedom is on the march, and I quit smoking pot?" "Praise Jesus! - Bill." 

But the organization that is conducting these wiretaps, the NSA, is a spy
agency different from all the others, in that its only function is to
listen. You know, like a husband. You know, like a husband! 

And if they need to listen to keep a dirty bomb from going off in Long
Beach, then I say, "Listen away." All I ask, NSA, is that you don't judge.
And more importantly, if you could screen my calls. In fact, just tell
everybody I'm not in. Oh, and if I say something funny during one of my
phone conversations, write it down and hit me back with an email so I can
use it in my next stand-up special. 

So, yes, on the downside, our lives here in America are now an open book.
But on the upside, Bush doesn't read books! And really, people, if you're so
worried about the privacy of your cell phone calls, stop making them when
you're in line at Starbucks! 

Oh, please, Americans don't want privacy. They want attention! They'll put a
camera in their shower and show it on the Internet! To get on television,
they'll marry strangers and eat a cow's rectum, and ice dance with Todd
Bridges. They're trying to get on a show called "Big Brother"! 

We are a nation of exhibitionists from "me" to shining "me." And what we
really fear isn't that someone's listening; it's that no one's listening.
This whole country is one big desperate cry for somebody to listen to
"listen to me, photograph me, Google me, read my blog!" "Read my diary; read
my memoir. It's not interesting enough? I'll make stuff up!" 

You know that I could go on the Internet right now under my alternate screen
name, "CherryXXX69," and get complete strangers to email me a picture of
their scrotum. I tell you, this country gave the finger to privacy a long
time ago. 

In fact, I have reason to believe I'm being videotaped right now.

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Take care, Moscow.

Tom "and the voices" Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." 

-Emo Philips