[Vision2020] Animal Kirk

[Benton Falkirk]

Visionaries,

As many of you know, George Orwell’s “Animal Farm” is a transparent critique of totalitarianism. But most people forget that Orwell entitled Animal Farm’s preface “Freedom of the Press.” And as the First Amendment guarantees this liberty to all citizens of our republic, I hereby offer the following edited adaptation of Animal Farm chapter 7, keeping in mind the “Christ Church Commitment to Loyalty” pledge.

And remember, the moral of the story is if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck.

Cordially, 

Benton Falkirk


Suddenly, early in the spring, an alarming thing was discovered. The Mole was secretly frequenting the Kirk by night! The animals were so disturbed that they could hardly sleep in their stalls. Every night, it was said, he came creeping in under cover of darkness and performed all kinds of mischief. He stole the corn, he upset the milk-pails, he broke the eggs, he trampled the seedbeds, he gnawed the bark off the fruit trees, he even forwarded non-privileged emails disclosing the Kirk’s nefarious actions. Whenever anything went wrong it became usual to attribute it to the Mole. If a window was broken or a drain was blocked up, someone was certain to say that the Mole had come in the night and done it, and when the key of the store-shed was lost, the whole kirk was convinced that the Mole had thrown it down the well. Curiously enough, they went on believing this even after the mislaid key was found under a sack of meal. The cows declared unanimously that the Mole crept into their stalls and milked them in their sleep. The rats, which had been troublesome that winter, were also said to be in league with the Mole.

The Big Man (BM) decreed that there should be a full investigation into the Mole’s activities. With his dogs in attendance he set out and made a careful tour of inspection of the Kirk buildings, the other animals following at a respectful distance. At every few steps the BM stopped and snuffed the ground for traces of the Mole’s footsteps, which, he said, he could detect by the smell. He snuffed in every corner, in the barn, in the cow-shed, in the henhouses, in the vegetable garden, and found traces of the Mole almost everywhere. He would put his snout to the ground, give several deep sniffs, and exclaim in a terrible voice, “The Mole! He has been here! I can smell him distinctly!” and at the word “the Mole” all the dogs let out blood-curdling growls and showed their side teeth.

The animals were thoroughly frightened. It seemed to them as though the Mole were some kind of invisible influence, pervading the air about them and menacing them with all kinds of dangers. . . . 

Four days later, in the late afternoon, the BM ordered all the animals to assemble in the yard. When they were all gathered together, the BM emerged from the Kirkhouse, wearing both his medals (for he had recently awarded himself “Animal Hero, First Class,” and “Animal Hero, Second Class”), with his nine huge dogs frisking round him and uttering growls that sent shivers down all the animals’ spines. They all cowered silently in their places, seeming to know in advance that some terrible thing was about to happen. 

The BM stood sternly surveying his audience; then he uttered a high-pitched whimper. Immediately the dogs bounded forward, seized four of the pigs by the ear and dragged them, squealing with pain and terror, to the BM’s feet. The pigs’ ears were bleeding, the dogs had tasted blood, and for a few moments they appeared to go quite mad. To the amazement of everybody, three of them flung themselves upon Boxer. Boxer saw them coming and put out his great hoof, caught a dog in mid-air, and pinned him to the ground. The dog shrieked for mercy and the other two fled with their tails between their legs. Boxer looked at the BM to know whether he should crush the dog to death or let it go. The BM appeared to change countenance, and sharply ordered Boxer to let the dog go, whereat Boxer lifted his hoof, and the dog slunk away, bruised and howling.

Presently the tumult died down. The four pigs waited, trembling, with guilt written on every line of their countenances. The BM now called upon them to confess their crimes. They were the same four pigs as had protested when the BM abolished the Sunday Meetings. Without any further prompting they confessed that they had been secretly in touch with the Mole ever since his expulsion, that they had collaborated with him in destroying the windmill, and that they had entered into an agreement with him to hand over the Kirk to Mr. Civil Magistrate. They added that the Mole had privately admitted to them that he had been lawful authority’s secret agent for years past. When they had finished their confession, the dogs promptly tore their throats out, and in a terrible voice the BM demanded whether any other animal had anything to confess.

The three hens who had been the ringleaders in the attempted rebellion over the eggs now came forward and stated that the Mole had appeared to them in a dream and incited them to disobey the BM’s orders. They, too, were slaughtered. Then a goose came forward and confessed to having secreted six ears of corn during the last year’s harvest and eaten them in the night. Then a sheep confessed to having urinated in the drinking pool--urged to do this, so she said, by the Mole--and two other sheep confessed to having murdered an old ram, an especially devoted follower of the BM, by chasing him round and round a bonfire when he was suffering from a cough. Then a swan came forward and refused to sign the Animal Kirk Commitment to Loyalty pledge, denying knowledge of the Mole. The BM grew wroth. They were all slain on the spot. And so the tale of confessions and executions went on, until there was a pile of corpses lying before the BM’s feet and the air was heavy with the smell of blood, which had been unknown there since the expulsion of lawful authority.

When it was all over, the remaining animals, except for the pigs and dogs, crept away in a body. They were shaken and miserable. They did not know which was more shocking--the treachery of the animals who had leagued themselves with the Mole, or the cruel retribution they had just witnessed. In the old days there had often been scenes of bloodshed equally terrible, but it seemed to all of them that it was far worse now that it was happening among themselves. Since lawful authority had left the Kirk, until today, no animal had killed another animal. Not even a rat had been killed. . . . 

These scenes of terror and slaughter were not what they had looked forward to on that night when old Major first stirred them to rebellion. If she herself had had any picture of the future, it had been of a society of animals set free from hunger and the whip, all equal, each working according to his capacity, the strong protecting the weak, as she had protected the lost brood of ducklings with her foreleg on the night of Major’s speech. Instead--she did not know why--they had come to a time when no one dared speak his mind, when fierce, growling dogs roamed everywhere, and when you had to watch your comrades torn to pieces after confessing to shocking crimes. . . .

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