[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time with Bill Maher" (October 21, 2005)

[Tom Hansen]

>From New Rules from "Real Time with Bill Maher" (October 21, 2005) -

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All right. Time for New Rules, everybody. New Rules. Let's not get too
excited here. 

All right. Stop making gum packaging so complicated. Gum used to come
wrapped in its own cheap, unfunny comic. Now it comes in air-tight,
vacuum-formed, foil-wrapped, blister packages like birth control for
astronauts. It's not AZT, it's gum! It's just something for the president to
chew when he's not walking. He can't...at the same time... 

New Rule: Let Vikings be Vikings. Yes, there's outrage that some Minnesota
Vikings may have gone on a party cruise and then...partied. Excuse me, but
what's the point of getting your ribs crushed every week if you can't
occasionally get blown on a boat? 

New Rule: Sylvester Stallone can't make another "Rocky" movie unless it's
called, "Rocky Dies." Come on, Sly, even great characters have to be put to
rest. It would be like if Governor Schwarzenegger went around all day
quoting "The Terminator." Okay, bad example. 

New Rule: Words printed on a coffee cup will not turn you gay. A Baylor
University dining contractor has banned Starbucks cups that have a quote
from a gay author. Listen, breeders, you can't get AIDS from a Styrofoam
container. And besides, if you're holding a double half-caf, vanilla mocha
latte, extra foam sprinkled with nutmeg, you're already gay! 

And finally, New Rule: Saddam Hussein's trial must be moved to Los Angeles!
We are "fiending" out here for our next big celebrity court case! Local news
stations are so bored, they've resorted to reporting real news! If we don't
get another circus trial soon, Pat O'Brien is going to start drinking again.


So, what do you say, Saddam? Who doesn't want to have their trial in L.A.
anyway? It's always sunny. Our juries are stupid. And you can show up in
court in your pajamas. You'll love L.A. Most people out here haven't worked
in over two years either. And if you find yourself homesick, and long for a
filthy spider-hole to crawl into, I'll introduce you to Courtney Love. 

But - but seriously, the main reason to have your trial here is, unlike
Iraq, we have good Jew lawyers. In Baghdad, they'll say you gassed the
Kurds. But that's not the way it'll come out when Mark Geragos or Bob
Shapiro is representing you. No, what happened is, you had your Weapons of
Mass Destruction with you that night at an Italian restaurant. In the
Valley. Where you were dining with the Kurds. Who you love. 

Now, you forgot the weapons after dinner, went to retrieve them; and when
you returned, the Kurds were already gassed. Saddam, in Hollywood, nobody
commits crimes against humanity. That's what a personal assistant is for.
Plus, we believe what celebrities say, no matter how stupid. When Iraq
invaded Kuwait, you were outside your bunker chipping golf balls. End of
story. 

And the rape rooms? Please. If you call giving someone at Abu Ghraib a
little Jesus Juice and then cuddling with them "rape"...it was milk and
cookies; it was charming. 

I say, if he's from Tikrit, you must acquit! 

In conclusion, the ultimate reason to try Saddam Hussein in L.A. is this:
out here, we don't convict celebrities. He'll get off, which is good,
because it means the man will be free to get back to work. 

People, really, we tried there in Iraq. We really did. But you have to
admit, sometimes just needs a "daddy." Okay, an abusive father. Hannibal
Lecter. The point is, yes, Iraq was a bad place under Saddam, but let's not
throw the baby out with the Baathists. He knows the people. He knows the
country. He's tanned, rested and ready. He's had time to think about losing
his two precious asshole sons. Maybe he has, dare I say it, grown. 

So, what's wrong with giving a sick, twisted, unhinged megalomaniac a second
chance? Hell, HBO did it for me!

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Take care, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, a drink in the other, body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO. What a ride!'"