[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time with Bill Maher" (November 4, 2005)

[Tom Hansen]

It's time for New Rules, everybody. New Rules. 

Okay, New Rule: Pizza joints must stop hanging pictures of Z-level
celebrities on their walls. It doesn't impress me that 12 years ago, "21
Jump Street's" Richard Grieco stopped in for a slice. Especially since he's
working there now. Cruel. Poor Richard. Give him a job, somebody! 

New Rule: If your people are so desperate that mannequins make them horny,
there's something wrong with your religion. This week, police in Iran
confiscated 65 mannequins for being too sexy. In the free West, we don't
have impure thoughts about inert hunks of tit-shaped plastic. We have
Britney Spears. 

New Rule: I'm not impressed by what college your kid is going to. George
Bush went to Yale. The End. Besides, these days, kids only learn about two
things in college: drugs and bisexuality. And you don't need to send them to
college for that. You can send them to my house. 

And in honor of the president's trip to South America, New Rule: You can't
wear a Che Guevara tee-shirt with your designer jeans unless you're trying
to be ironic. One is a symbol for impoverished workers. The other was sewn
by them. You want to support the poor people in Latin America? Buy more
coke. 

And finally, New Rule: President Bush's new Supreme Court nominee, Samuel
Alito, must bomb an abortion clinic. I know it sounds crazy, but the right
wing needs assurance that they've really got their holy man this time. We
can't let the swing vote on the Supreme Court just wind up in the hands of
some level-headed legal whimp. 

Is Sam Alito a decent man with Christian values? Well, until he kills a
nurse with a pipe bomb, there's no way to be sure. Because there is nothing
you can say to a real conservative to convince him abortion should ever be
acceptable other than, "Your daughter is pregnant and the father is black." 

Now, with all the hubbub lately about qualifications and constitutional law,
it's sometimes easy to forget why our founding fathers created a judicial
branch in the first place: to punish hussies by saddling them with the
mewling, drooling reminder of their sin. 

But here's where overturning Roe v. Wade could actually turn out to be the
best thing for the Democrats. Because if you want to create more liberal
voters, don't scare them with the possibility of terrorism. Scare them with
the possibility of parenthood. Because voters nowadays are all about the
issues that affect "me." They need to see how Bush's f***-ups affect them
personally. 

I mean, think about it. Other than the war in Iraq, the Katrina disaster,
the deficit, the CIA leak, torture, stopping stem cell research, homeland
security, global warming and undercutting science, we've yet to really feel
the negative effects of the Bush administration. 

But you know what voting block had the lowest voter turnout in the last
election? Young, unmarried women. And you know who'll be the most affected
if they overturn Roe v. Wade? Kobe Bryant. But, after him, young women. Come
on. You're living in South Carolina and you need an abortion. You're going
to get on a bus and head to New York. Maybe next time you'll think twice
about letting your older brother tuck you in. 

Because, overturning Roe v. Wade won't make abortion illegal. The choice to
allow it will just be returned to the states. In all likelihood, the blue
states. The rest of you will have to make a weekend of it. Tourism,
ka-ching! 

Every state will have a new motto: Massachusetts: "Where the country was
born, but your baby wasn't." "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. No,
seriously!" 

And of course, California: "I just got an abortion and now I'm going to
Disneyland!"
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Take care, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho