[Vision2020] New Rules form "Real Time with Bill Maher" (October 28, 2005)

[Tom Hansen]

It is now time for New Rules, everybody. New Rules. 

Okay, New Rule: I don't need a reminder at the bottom of the TV screen to
tell me "You're watching 'Lost.'" Somehow, we got through the first 50 years
of television knowing what show we were watching by looking at it! If Lucy
is on, it's "Lucy." If it's some guys playing football, it's probably
football. Here's how I know I'm watching "Lost." I'm bored. 

New Rule: Down in front. At the World Series, someone put George and Barbara
making out on the Jumbotron. Please don't encourage them. Science is doing
amazing things with reproductive health, and we need to make sure they're
done breeding. And besides, once they start, then everybody starts. [photo
of White Sox coach Ozzie Guillen kissing White Sox player] That's a
disturbing picture. 

New Rule: Jennifer Aniston must start dating Osama bin Laden. Our government
has spent four years and billions of dollars trying to find him. If we put
the job in the hands of the real professionals, the paparazzi, "Osamifer"
would be on the next cover of US Weekly. 

New Rule: Since only 15% of Americans said they believe in evolution in a
recent poll, America must change its name to the United States of Jesus
Christ. And our motto, from E Pluribus Unum to "I'm With Stupid." The good
news for the nation: if we get any stupider about science, we'll forget how
to cook crystal meth. 

New Rule: The dead must stop talking to hot chicks. It's hard enough being
single. The last thing I need is to get cock-blocked by John Wilkes Booth!
And why does a woman's sixth sense always have to be seeing dead people? Why
can't it be knowing when to shut the hell up during the ballgame? 

And finally, New Rule: Adults in this country have to awaken their inner
child and then abort it. Halloween is here, and America needs to be reminded
that this is a holiday meant for children. A chance for them to dress up and
get a jumpstart on Type 2 diabetes. So this Halloween, I say parents have to
dress up as adults. 

Now, Halloween is a day that should be for kids, because it's about scaring
people with made-up stories, preferably leaked through the New York Times.
Now, when I was a kid, parents understood that their role in Halloween was
to be the dork in street clothes scraping dog shit from a flaming bag of
poop on their shoe. But in 2005, adults are not just dressing up. Time
magazine reports that 90% of parents steal from their own kids' Halloween
candy. And even worse, many parents have also dipped into their kids' pot,
condoms and ammo. 

Maybe it's no wonder baby boomers are regressing, turning to all types of
childish pursuits for hobbies. There's adult slumber parties now. Hula Hoop
classes, spelling bees in bars. And if you're at Disneyland and you're not
eight or dating someone who is- you'd better be on acid. 

I mean, it's one thing to take your kid to a kid event like "Barney on Ice"
and act bored, because you are. That's healthy. It sends a positive signal
to your child that you love them enough to endure crap. But parents who
actually dig kids' stuff send a different message: "Dad's a loser."
Nowadays, adults play videogames; they trade baseball cards; they wear
sneakers to restaurants, and wear their favorite player's jersey. At night.
Hoping to get laid. 

Grown women play with dolls. If you're over 20 and you have a doll in your
house, you'd better be a guy and the doll better be inflatable. 

Let me - let me conclude by citing that great scholar, Harriet Miers. In her
correspondence to George Bush, where she stated that her fondest wish for
him was that his children would think him "cool." Who gives a shit if your
kids think you're cool? You have nuclear weapons!! This year, let's get the
adults out of Halloween so it can be enjoyed by the people it was really
meant for in the first place: the gays.

--------------------------------------------------

Seeya at the polls, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho



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Vote on November 8th because you care . . .

For our kids
For our neighborhoods
For our town 

VOTE AARON AMENT FOR CITY COUNCIL

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