[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time with Bill Maher" (May 6, 2005)

[Tom Hansen]

New Rules from "Real Time with Bill Maher" (May 6, 2005)

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All right. Thank you very much. Let's go to "New Rules," everybody. 

New Rule: This year, instead of running a new Kentucky Derby, Kentucky must just show an old one. No one will know the difference. They've been showing the same NASCAR race since 1994, and no one seems to mind. 

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. 

If you're this much of a control freak about coffee, you must be really unbearable when it comes to something important like . . . a Danish. 

New Rule: [insert photo of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes] Dating a self-proclaimed "26-year-old virgin" is probably not the best way to stifle the gay rumors. You're a big star. You can have any woman you want, and you pick the one actress in town who doesn't put out? I thought Scientology was supposed to clear your mind. 

New Rule: Your hamburger can't be bigger than your butt. Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield, Pennsylvania, is offering a new burger that weighs 15 pounds! One sign your portions may be too large: if one of the health risks is a back injury. 

And finally, New Rule: Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding. She's crazy if she wants to spend the rest of her life servicing this goober. Now, last week when I heard that a young bride-to-be had gone missing on a jog days before her wedding, I had the same thought everyone else did: Man, that Scott Peterson is good! 

Now, Americans this week have acted like the so-called "runaway bride" is crazy for skipping town rather than marrying a Sunday school teacher in Duluth, Georgia. Ah, yes, the good life: the bake sales, the prayer meetings, the abortion protests, who could just walk away from all that? How come when the girl from "Titanic" ditches her fiancé, it's the greatest romance of all time, but when Jennifer Wilbanks does it, she's a "criminal loon with a case of temporary insanity"? 

Temporary sanity is more like it. She was staring down the barrel of 14 bridesmaids and 600 guests in the Georgia heat watching a Baptist in a blue suit sanctify her sex life with Welch's grape juice and a reading from The Purpose-Driven Life. Suddenly, Greyhound to Vegas looked pretty good! 

Jennifer, I applaud your rugged individualism. You eloped with yourself. And to Vegas! Baby, that's money! I mean, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Whereas, the woman who marries in Georgia . . . stays in Georgia. 

Jen, you're a free spirit, I can tell. Something inside you snapped and rebelled at the idea of living in a persistent vegetative state. Which is why tonight I'd like to offer you an open invitation to come on out here. We'll even send you the $118 bus fare. First class, right behind the driver. Come on! Come on all the way over to the dark side. You can stay in my hot tub until you get back on your feet. 

You're crazy and you don't care about anyone's feelings but your own. You belong in Hollywood! You're a reality show waiting to happen! Plus, there's a lot of eligible bachelors here. Pat O'Brien's available. I can introduce you. Plus, I've got some stuff that you can smoke that might alleviate some of that pressure behind your eyeballs. 

And one more thing. Don't worry about that fiancé of yours. Believe me, by the time I'm finished with you, he won't want you back.

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Take care, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

"Patriotism is not a short and frenzied outburst of emotion but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime." 
 
--Adlai E. Stevenson, Jr.