[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time with Bill Maher" (March 11, 2005)

[Tom Hansen]

Below are the new rules from "Real Time" with Bill Maher for March 11, 2005.

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All right. It is time for New Rules, everybody. New Rules. All right. 

New Rule: If you're in Iraq, and you even sort of think you might be kind of
near a checkpoint, stop. Otherwise, don't be surprised if we shoot your car.
Have you seen a single American movie, TV show or news story from the last
60 years? That's what we do. We shoot cars! Does the name Elvis ring a bell?
Richard Pryor, Lee Harvey Oswald. I know it's hard for foreigners to
understand, but in America, we shoot first and ask questions rarely. 

New Rule: Anyone elected mayor of a place called "Sin City" is allowed to be
a drunk. 

RICHARD BELZER: Logical. 

MAHER: Las Vegas mayor Oscar Goodman is taking flak for telling school
children that he doesn't have a problem drinking because - quote - "I love
to drink." And then adding that if he had to pick anything to be stranded
with on a desert island, he would bring his favorite gin. Kids, personally,
I would bring Eve, because you know that freak is packin' weed. 

New Rule: Dye your mustache to match your toupee. You're the new U.S.
ambassador to the U.N., not a manager of the month at Baskin-Robbins. 

MANJI: Very good. 

MAHER: New Rule: If you're bringing birthday cake to a chimp, bring enough
for everyone. A Los Angeles man visiting a chimpanzee in a wildlife
sanctuary was mauled by the other chimps when he didn't bring any cake for
them. The man's face was partially peeled off and his nose was completely
detached. And in this town, that kind of work costs money. [photo shown of
Michael Jackson] 

And finally, New Rule: Messing around at the office is not a reason to lose
your job. If it was, the unemployment rate in America would be 80%. This
week, the CEO of Boeing - or as it's now known, "Boing!" - had to step down
because he was having an affair with a nice lady from Accounts Receivable.
Who gives a damn?! When did this country turn into Utah?! 

Now, I know what you're saying. You're saying, "Hey, Bill, that attitude may
be fine for you, leading your single, libertarian lifestyle, but when a
68-year-old airline executive named Harry Stonecipher bones somebody in the
supply closet, what do we tell the children?" Yeah, right, the children who
look up to geriatric arms dealers and don't want to think of their
government buying Apache helicopters from a fornicator. 

"At Boeing, we will tolerate no sneaking around. Now get back to work on the
Stealth bomber." 

You know, in other countries, a CEO committing adultery isn't even called a
scandal. It's called a "business trip." Why are there so many puritans in
this country, and why can't the rest of us make them go away?! 

When did we get to be such a nation of busybodies? "Ooh, who is Harry
Stonecipher fornicating? I've got to know!" You know, just to put things
into perspective, the Boeing Corporation is our second-largest defense
contractor. They make things like the F-15, and we're at war, with soldiers'
lives at stake. So I've got to think that the smooth, uninterrupted
management of the Boeing Corporation would be important. 

But apparently it's not more important than stopping Harry Stonecipher from
grappling naked in a burlesque of lust with 52-year-old "Gloria Hormth." 

You know, a couple of months ago, we found out there's nine billion of our
dollars missing in Iraq. Not misspent. Lost. Nine billion. But in the age of
Bush, anything that involves money is legal, and the only scandal is sex.
Gross, disgusting, AARP, "Early Bird Special" sex with Harry Stonecipher. 

As if - as if a 68-year-old man having an office romance should be a shock
in the aerospace industry. It shouldn't. It should be a high-five in the
pharmaceutical industry. This shouldn't be condemned. It should be
applauded! Harry Stonecipher's extra-marital affair is the first time Boeing
ever deployed an obsolete missile system and you and I didn't have to foot
the bill!

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Take care, Moscow.

Tom Hansen

"What is objectionable, what is dangerous, about extremists is not that they
are extreme, but that they are intolerant. The evil is not what they say
about their cause, but what they say about their opponents."

-- Robert F. Kennedy