[Vision2020] Re: Well, It ain't plumbing

[Joan Opyr]

Dave opines:

"Between the nose hair, ear hair and eyebrows that compete with Andy Rooney's (all of which increase at an increasing rate in a compounding logarithmic scale directly proportional to my age) I'll now be forced to purchase cheesy hair trimming devices only found on QTV or late night commercials to protect the sensibilities of your ilk as well as my new found vanity."


Not "forced to," Dave.  Remember, I have no enforcement power.  I can only politely request that you trim your eyebrows (if it's any comfort, my own resemble the late Leonid Brezhnev's and are just barely kept in check by the repeated and painful application of tweezers), your nose-hairs, your ear-hairs, and any other hirsute evidence of your raging hormones that might interfere with my enjoyment of my mixed salad greens should I catch sight of you in one of Moscow's fine dining establishments.  And, even still, you have a couple of options for preserving your vanity other than QVC: you can shave, trim, or weed-whack those offensive follicles on the off chance that I might be hanging about waiting to pounce upon you with my sarcastic and rude ad hominem attacks, OR you could avoid those establishments that serve salad.   

You will be safe from hair and/or sartorial critiques in the following Moscow restaurants:

1) Ted's Burgers (where they wouldn't know a salad green if they were attacked by Tryffids);
2) The Slurp & Burp (gizzards, as far as I know, only count as a vegetable in the South); and
3) Taco Time (once it's been mixed with frijoles and deep-fried in liquid lard, it doesn't matter what it used to be, it's no longer a vegetable; it's a future car payment on a cardiologist's Mercedes).

Re: Saundra's complaint about butt-cracks, I think we should ask Jennifer McFarland why the sheriff's department is not issuing citations.  Jennifer?  I'd also like to point out that it is illegal to spit on city streets, and yet I see people doing it all the time.  As this public expectoration nauseates me, would I be justified in performing a citizen's arrest?  Or, alternatively, just flat out shooting the spitter?

And while we're at it, what's the legal status of that other dreadful Moscow habit, the so-called "Idaho blow?"  This involves closing off one nostril with a fingertip and emptying the other with great force into the nearest trashcan, gutter, open-topped convertible, etc.  Kleenex, people, Kleenex.  You can buy it for a dollar a box.   

In the words of the late, great Roseanne Roseannadanna, "You're making me sick!"      

Joan Opyr/Auntie Establishment
www.auntie-establishment.com

PS: Sure, I'll be your editor Dave.  Twenty bucks an hour, but you have to prove to me that you possess both nose-hair clippers and an adequate supply of monogrammed hankies.  Also, you must swear that you only use social security time limes in your gin & tonics; social security time lemons are so declasse. Get more from the Web.  FREE MSN Explorer download : http://explorer.msn.com
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