[Vision2020] How to annoy me

[Joan Opyr]

Forget Vision 2020.  Here's how to annoy me:

1. Join a listserve you despise and remain a member even though you 
hate everyone present and you clearly have nothing to contribute.

2. Insult those who've served their country in the Armed Forces, the 
Peace Corps, as citizen activists, or just by getting out of bed each 
and every day and doing their damnedest to perform some act of charity, 
even if that act of charity is NOT slapping you silly every time you 
log onto this list, post Dale Courtney's blog, or otherwise make a 
complete and utter ass of yourself.  (I can testify from personal 
experience that not knocking your teeth down your throat takes near 
superhuman strength.  I'd love to put a dent in your airy flat head 
with my Apple iBook, but my Quaker wife would never forgive me.  And I 
might break my Apple iBook.  I'm guessing your skull is much, much 
thicker than plastic.  I'm guessing it's thicker than a whale 
omelette.)

3. Bleat on about your Christian values in a snotty, superior tone -- 
the kind of tone for which Jesus himself would have knocked you on your 
Pharisaical ass.

4. Try to be funny at the expense of others on a list that finds you 
pedestrian at best, viperish at worst, and deathly dull the rest of the 
time.

5. Last but not least, prattle on incessantly about the vast number of 
children you (believe) you've spawned, as if children were nothing more 
than walking, talking evidence that you have had sex with your wife.  
More than once.  Hip, hip hooray!  Doug Farris is heterosexual!  Doug 
Farris is enthusiastically heterosexual!  Doug Farris is a human 
Gatling Gun -- a shot in every barrel!  Hide that caviar, my dear: Doug 
Farris is a bipedal stoat!

(I am tempted here to point out that in reproduction, as in writing, 
it's quality, not quantity that counts, but I don't believe in visiting 
the sins of the father onto the children.  I choose instead to hope 
that Doug Farris' offspring will overcome the detriment that is their 
father, and that they will grow up to be decent, kind, and noble 
people.  I wish them only the best, and I pray for their delivery from 
the hatred, ignorance, and bigotry of Dad.  Hell, if Edsel Ford can do 
it, anyone can.)

Now that I've made my list and checked it twice, noting that you're 
naughty and ever nice, I'm going to do you a favor, Doug Farris.  I'm 
going to suggest some Christmas gift possibilities for you to give your 
bosom chum, Dale Courtney.  You're probably finding it difficult to 
shop for Dale -- what do you buy the man who has everything? A lovely 
wife, several kids, and God only knows how many illegal NSA boarders.  
And, lest we forget, Dale believes that he's one of God's elect; why 
would he want slippers or a necktie when he's got heaven safely tucked 
away in his pocket?

Nevertheless, Doug, you post so often to Dale's blog (which seems to 
consist entirely of posts Dale's cribbed from Vision 2020) that I think 
it would behoove you to give him a little something.  Since you have 
both devoted yourselves religiously (and I use that word literally) to 
kissing Doug Wilson's broad belligerent backside, might I suggest . . .

A sturdy pair of knee pads and a bottle of Listerine?  Come on, Doug.  
Think of poor Mrs. Courtney: butt breath on her pillow each and every 
night.  Pee-eeww!

Happy Holidays, Ferretty-Poo!

Joan Opyr/Auntie Establishment
www.joanopyr.com

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