[Vision2020] New Rules from "Real Time" with Bill Maher(April 15 2005)

[Tom Hansen]

New Rules from "Real Time" with Bill Maher (April 15, 2005)

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All right, it is time for New Rules, everybody. 

New Rule: No answering the phone during sex. According to Ad Age magazine,
15% of Americans answer their cell phones during sex. Which is not only rude
but dangerous because it interferes with your driving. 

New Rule: Let TV shows die a natural death. Fans of the canceled TV series,
"Star Trek: Enterprise," are trying to raise enough money on their own to
pay for another season! It's either that or go outside. So far, they've
raised $3 million largely by not dating. Hey, Trekkies, if you really want
to donate money to a lost cause, try moveon.org. [audience "oohs"] I guess
this is one of those weeks where we really didn't get a big conservative
part of the audience. 

New Rule: Stop saying anybody or anything is like the Nazis, okay?
Republicans aren't like the Nazis. Even Neo-Nazis aren't like the Nazis.
Nothing is like the Nazis...except for Wal-Mart. 

And finally, New Rule: Parents have to stop coddling their children. The
latest is, schools have stopped grading papers with red ink because of
complaints that a big, mean, red X is too negative. Why, a kid might even
think he got it wrong and learn something. These parents today are so
fixated on protection, it's amazing they ever got pregnant in the first
place. 

A recent reality show called "Super Nanny" placed an old-school,
discipline-wielding nanny into a family where the mother can't figure out
the reason she's having a nervous breakdown is that she says things to her
kids like, "Tyler, mommy would really appreciate it if you didn't throw
rocks at me." You know, moms and dads these days are like the Democratic
Party: lame, spineless and not holding up their end of the equation. And
kids are like the Republicans: drunk with power and out of control! 

Maybe that's why there's also a new phenomenon called "parent coaching," a
kind of tech-support service for clueless parents when their 3.0-year-old
goes haywire. As described in a recent New York Times article, here are some
of the questions a typical mom asks her parenting coach: What should she do
when Skylar won't do his chores? Should there be limits on how he spends his
allowance? Should Forrest get dessert if he does not eat a healthy dinner? 

Now, for those of you who are saying, "But, Bill, you're not a parent," I
say, "True. But I have one thing these parents apparently don't: a brain!"
This is not rocket science. What you should do when Skylar won't do his
chores. How about using your size advantage. Make him. Because if there's
one thing we know about kids, it's that if you give them an inch, the
authorities will raid your Neverland Ranch. 

Yes, like Michael Jackson, parents these days act like they're on a date
with their children. Trying to impress them, trying to buy their love and
never contradicting them or giving them a big red X when they're wrong. 

So, no, I don't have kids. And you know what? I don't intend to have any
until people start making some I'd want my kids to play with! Until then,
I'm just glad I own a lot of stock in Ritalin.

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Take care, Moscow.

Tom Hansen
Moscow, Idaho

Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"
-Robin Williams