[Vision2020] Bill Maher's New Rules (October 1, 2004)

[Tom Hansen]

>From Real Time with Bill Maher (October 1, 2004) -

 

All right, it is time for New Rules, everybody! 

 

All right. New Rule: Florida has to sit this election out. You know, you'd
think after the year 2000, they would have made sure to get it right this
time. But, no, even Jimmy Carter - a man who has seen more Third World
hellholes than a lesbian couple trying to adopt; even he says Florida is not
ready for an election. So, sorry, Florida, you're going to have to take that
Tuesday off and just treat yourself to an extra hurricane. 

 

Speaking of which, New Rule: Spiritual messages spray-painted on plywood
don't stop hurricanes. Hurricanes can't read. This one says, "Jesus walks
walks walks with us." No, he doesn't doesn't doesn't. You're living in a
gymnasium. 

 

New Rule: Cornbread isn't bread. It's cake. I did that one for you. 

 

CARLIN: I like that. I like that. 

 

MAHER: New Rule: Bob Dylan must stop denying that he was the voice of a
generation. Bob, that's not something you get to decide. It's fate and you
were it. If your generation could actually pick a voice, don't you think
they'd have picked a better one than yours? 

 

New Rule: Louisiana must stop trying to convince the rest of the country
it's not gay. Now, last week, Lousiana, birthplace of Truman Capote, setting
for "A Streetcar Named Desire," home of Mardi Gras and all things French,
passed yet another anti-gay marriage law. Lousiana, honey, it's called
over-compensating. You're Cajun, you're ragin', get used to it! 

 

And finally, New Rule: Presidential candidates must have news conferences
and cut out the appearances on daytime television. Hey, there's a reason
they don't call it "Hardball with Kelly Ripa"! I need to know our exit
strategy from Iraq, not Dick Cheney's recipe for couscous! 

 

Now, this week, Dr. Phil aired an interview with President Bush and the
First Robot - Lady. I wanted to record it but I was afraid my TiVO would
think I was a pussy. Especially at the end when Dr. Phil made Bush act out
his feelings towards North Korea with dolls. I mean, what are we looking for
these days from a candidate anyway? Competence? Leadership? Ideas? No, we
want to know how they feel. Thinking? Leave that to the Europeans. I want to
know, does George Bush still cry at the end of "Charlotte's Web," when he
listens to the book-on-tape. 

 

I want to know if John Edwards and his wife still hold hands at the movies.
Oh, wait, that's right. I DON'T want to know that stupid shit. I'm looking
for a president, not a Lamaze partner! I don't need to know if you gave CPR
to a raccoon. Or that your mom made you wear a skirt to school and told
people you were Scots. I need to know that you know that Iraq had nothing to
do with 9/11. When are you going to have that "ah-ha" moment? 

 

What is this longing for a regular guy in the highest office in the world?
Presidents should be exceptional. John Kerry, for all his flaws, is an
exceptional person. And President Bush? Well, he's a special person. 

 

But do him the honor of letting him do what he was born to do: unite the
Muslims against us and put Jimmy Swaggart on the Supreme Court.

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