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<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>From Real Time with Bill Maher (October 1, 2004) -<o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>All right, it is time for New Rules, everybody! <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>All right. New Rule: <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Florida</st1:place></st1:State>
has to sit this election out. You know, you'd think after the year 2000, they
would have made sure to get it right this time. But, no, even Jimmy Carter - a
man who has seen more Third World hellholes than a lesbian couple trying to
adopt; even he says <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Florida</st1:place></st1:State>
is not ready for an election. So, sorry, <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Florida</st1:place></st1:State>,
you're going to have to take that Tuesday off and just treat yourself to an
extra hurricane. <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>Speaking of which, New Rule: Spiritual messages
spray-painted on plywood don't stop hurricanes. Hurricanes can't read. This one
says, "Jesus walks walks walks with us." No, he doesn't doesn't
doesn't. You're living in a gymnasium. <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>New Rule: Cornbread isn't bread. It's cake. I did that one
for you. <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>CARLIN: I like that. I like that. <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>MAHER: New Rule: Bob Dylan must stop denying that he was the
voice of a generation. Bob, that's not something you get to decide. It's fate
and you were it. If your generation could actually pick a voice, don't you
think they'd have picked a better one than yours? <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>New Rule: <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Louisiana</st1:place></st1:State>
must stop trying to convince the rest of the country it's not gay. Now, last
week, Lousiana, birthplace of Truman Capote, setting for "A Streetcar
Named Desire," home of Mardi Gras and all things French, passed yet
another anti-gay marriage law. Lousiana, honey, it's called over-compensating.
You're Cajun, you're ragin', get used to it! <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>And finally, New Rule: Presidential candidates must have
news conferences and cut out the appearances on daytime television. Hey,
there's a reason they don't call it "Hardball with Kelly Ripa"! I
need to know our exit strategy from <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place
w:st="on">Iraq</st1:place></st1:country-region>, not Dick Cheney's recipe for
couscous! <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>Now, this week, Dr. Phil aired an interview with President
Bush and the First Robot - Lady. I wanted to record it but I was afraid my TiVO
would think I was a pussy. Especially at the end when Dr. Phil made Bush act
out his feelings towards <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">North
Korea</st1:place></st1:country-region> with dolls. I mean, what are we
looking for these days from a candidate anyway? Competence? Leadership? Ideas?
No, we want to know how they feel. Thinking? Leave that to the Europeans. I
want to know, does George Bush still cry at the end of "<st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place
w:st="on">Charlotte</st1:place></st1:City>'s Web," when he listens to the
book-on-tape. <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>I want to know if John Edwards and his wife still hold hands
at the movies. Oh, wait, that's right. I DON'T want to know that stupid shit.
I'm looking for a president, not a Lamaze partner! I don't need to know if you
gave CPR to a raccoon. Or that your mom made you wear a skirt to school and
told people you were Scots. I need to know that you know that <st1:country-region
w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Iraq</st1:place></st1:country-region> had
nothing to do with 9/11. When are you going to have that "ah-ha"
moment? <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>What is this longing for a regular guy in the highest office
in the world? Presidents should be exceptional. John Kerry, for all his flaws,
is an exceptional person. And President Bush? Well, he's a special person. <o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'><o:p> </o:p></span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><font size=2 face=Arial><span style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Arial'>But do him the honor of letting him do what he was born to
do: unite the Muslims against us and put Jimmy Swaggart on the Supreme Court.<o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
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