[Vision2020] New and improved headlines

[Joan Opyr]

Wait, Carl, Tom, Dick, Scott and other discouraged Democrats -- don't despair.  Instead, read these breaking headlines!

Shirley Ringo Wins!  Tom Stroschein keeps seat on Latah County Commissioners!  Judge Hamlett retained!  Patty Murray stomps George Nethercutt!  Barack Obama will be the first black man since Reconstruction to win a seat in the US Senate.  Stephanie Herseth of South Dakota holds onto her House seat and actually increases her majority.  Barbara Boxer's opponent, whoever the hell he was, gets proverbial tar beat out of him!  This is all good news . . . nay, it's excellent news.   

Give me a P, give me an O, give me an L-L-Y-A-N-N-A!  Why?  Because I said so, that's why.

Listen, you lot -- I've had cause to worry of late that the mother-lode of ready topics that I've been mining these last few years for my Auntie Establishment columns would simply dry up.  A Kerry presidency might have done something about job loss, outsourcing, health care, the falling dollar, Social Security, Medicare, the environment, our dependence on foreign oil, and sorting out the quagmire in Iraq.  With a firmly Republican Senate, House, and Administration -- and, coming soon, a fully conservative Supreme Court -- that danger seems to have passed.  Phew!  Yesterday's vote was a boon to the lazy, i.e., me.  Now, once again, my column will virtually write itself.  Thank heaven, or rather, Ohio.

As far as I can tell, George Bush won 51% of the popular vote and the same states he won last time around (with perhaps New Mexico tossed in for good measure).  He is now, legitimately, our President.  This time around, we can't blame Florida, Jeb, or Pregnant Chad.  And what's more, the world cannot and will not blame them either.  We will be obliged to bear the full responsibility for our decision, and believe you me, we shall.  I don't mean to go all Dick Cheney on you and suggest that this opens us up to another terrorist attack -- that would be cheap.  I would like to suggest, however, that I doubt we'll be hearing much of that old canard from our foreign friends, "We love you Americans, but we hate your President."  Instead, what we'll hear is "What the hell were you people thinking?"  And I'll be happy to tell them: Karl Rove, the political mastermind of the Bush Administration, successfully managed to play the events of September 11th, 2001, like a hand full of aces.  I am forced to bow both to Mr. Rove's political brilliance and to the dual power of fear (of another terrorist attack) and loathing (of gays and lesbians) in mobilizing the GOP base.  The fact that 11 anti-gay marriage initiatives were on the ballot in 11 swing states played no small part in Mr. Bush's victory.  While I think that's a sucky way to win, it's clear that the gay-card has now joined the race-card in the Republicans' winning repertory.

But that's okay.  Melynda and I are pleased to be in such good company.  We've always sided with the underdog, and now we are the underdog.  Strangely enough, I think that's why I don't feel defeated today.  Sure, I moped around the house this morning, muttering into my coffee cup about nationwide lead-poisoning and the South's reputation for in-breeding, but this afternoon, the sun has begun to poke through the clouds and I have begun to feel energized.  Why?  Because what would America be without her dissenters; without her critics?  Our country voted yesterday for four more years of the four past years, and we have no reason to assume that a President who can't admit to mistakes won't go on to make many, many more.  It'll be our job -- actually, our duty -- to point those out.  And to object.  And to fight for what we believe in, to respectfully but firmly disagree, and to gird up our loins for the battles to come.  I'm ready.  Right now.

Bring it on,
Joan Opyr/Auntie Establishment

PS: I must admit to fairly salivating at the fun we'll all have when Kentucky sends the drooling and demented Jim Bunning back to the US Senate -- that's what we really needed, a replacement for the late Strom Thurmond.  Also, the jokes I've already plotted at the expense of Oklahoma's "Queer Revere," AKA Tom Coburn ("The Lesbians are coming!  The Lesbians are coming!") are, to quote the great Milton, thicker than the fallen leaves at Vallambrosa.  What's tragic for the country is bread and butter for the comedian.  It's hootnanny time, folks, for Jon Stewart, for Bill Maher, and for small-time jokers like little old me.  Hip.  Hip.  Hooray.   Get more from the Web.  FREE MSN Explorer download : http://explorer.msn.com
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