[Vision2020] 05-23-04 Spokesman Review: PARTNERSHIPS: same sex, same problems

Sun, 23 May 2004 09:37:03 -0700

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Sunday, May 23, 2004

PARTNERSHIPS: same sex, same problems

Young Chang - The Seattle Times

Married heterosexual couples could learn a thing or two from same-sex couples.

A University of Washington study late last year found that same-sex couples are
less negative when resolving conflicts than heterosexual couples, using less
belligerence and domineering, and more humor and affection.

"Research up until now supports that the way in which people resolve conflicts
affects the quality of their relationship," said Dan Yoshimoto, a researcher for
the study. "Specific emotions like belligerence and contemptuousness have been
associated with less happiness in relationships."

The 12-year study, directed by John Gottman, professor emeritus at the
University of Washington and head of Seattle's Relationship Research Institute;
and Robert Levenson, psychology professor at the University of California,
Berkeley, compared 20 gay couples and 20 lesbian couples (all from San
Francisco) to 20 heterosexual married couples (from Indiana) of matching age,
marital satisfaction level, education and income.

Each same-sex couple was videotaped discussing a conflict for 15 minutes. The
results were compared with findings from an earlier study that taped 20
heterosexual couples resolving a conflict in the same amount of time.

Researchers can only hypothesize why same-sex couples are more positive while
working out conflict: There's less room for gender inequality, and a relatively
weaker external support system makes them rely more on each other to stay
together, Yoshimoto said.

In that spirit, we asked two long-committed Seattle couples -- Mark Alstead and
David Buchholz, and Jane Lighty and Pete-e Petersen -- to enlighten us with
their relationship do's and don'ts. Famous among their friends for getting
along, Lighty and Petersen, both retired nursing consultants, have been together
for 27 years, while Alstead, special project manager for the county jail, and
Buchholz, a medical director at Swedish Medical Center, are going on 14 years.

They know how to navigate the toothpaste wars, and they know how to talk about
money. And the four unanimously agree on one thing.

"We are best friends," Petersen said. "I think it's central to our being."
Relationship do's

. Figure out ways to hint at your partner's bad habits, without nagging.

Alstead doesn't like the way Buchholz drives. "He's really aggressive, he's all
worried about people cutting him off. When I ride with him, which is most of the
time because he has the car we drive in, it's not very relaxing," Alstead said.
"So I've learned to give him hints. I don't say 'Dave, the speed limit's 35.' I
say, '35!' "

. Tell yourself you'll get over it, and give yourself enough time.

Alstead usually needs two weeks, no matter how big the fight. "It's sort of a
hope or strategy of optimism that it's gonna work out, that our life together is
getting better and better," he said.

. Accept how long it takes your partner to cool off.

Buchholz, who typically needs a day to finish churning over a disagreement,
knows that Alstead needs weeks. He's accepted it and doesn't expect his partner
to change.

. Talk. Even if you're not the type to; even if it turns to yelling.

Petersen, who calls herself a "talker" and says she needs everything out in the
open, said Lighty's quieter personality bothered her at first. "It took several
years to get used to it, because I'm a retreater," Lighty said. "I've had to
work on coming out in that regard -- being more communicative in expressing my
feelings."

The University of Washington study also found that same-sex couples were more
honest while talking about sex and monogamy than heterosexual couples.

. Expect the intensity, that wonderfully sickening feeling in your stomach, to
wear off.

"You're faced with the person you're with, and you have to forge a partnership
beyond those feelings," Alstead said. This is where it's valuable to be best
friends, he added. "You rely on that part," Buchholz said.

. Let your partner work.

Alstead knows that Buchholz can be on call all weekend at the hospital. He knows
they can be awakened in the middle of the night. "He doesn't put any
expectations on me in terms of expecting me to do the normal weekend types of
things we might do," Buchholz said.

. Build up what Yoshimoto calls an "external support system."

This includes well-wishing friends and family, but also the approval
heterosexuals have always inherently found through the institution of marriage,
wedding announcements in newspapers and wedding showers.

The University of Washington study found that 20 percent of the same-sex couples
had broken up since 1991. Projected over 40 years, that's 64 percent. The
divorce rate projected over 40 years for first marriages between heterosexuals
is 67 percent.

Yoshimoto said the similarity in numbers supports the idea that even same-sex
couples who communicate well need greater external support to sustain a
long-term relationship.

Petersen and Lighty have their friends and family, but also the support of the
Seattle Women's Chorus, a 120-plus member group of mostly gay women.

"We didn't have gay friends till we came up here (to Seattle, in 1986)," Lighty
said.

. Agree on basic life values.

Sounds obvious, but when opposites attract, it's easy to overlook fundamental
differences.

"And that's when you can get into trouble," Lighty said. "Because you don't
agree on what's really important -- what you expect from others and yourself."
Relationship don'ts

. Don't force yourself to be similar when it comes to hobbies and interests.

"We don't do a lot of things together," Lighty said. "Pete-e can be upstairs, I
can be downstairs. It'd be awful to be the same. We would have killed each other
or crawled in a hole or something."

. Don't lie about credit-card debt.

While refinancing their mortgage last fall, Buchholz discovered that Alstead had
far more credit-card debt than he had ever alluded to. It led to the biggest fig
ht of their 13 years.

"The fight was that he had lied about the debt," Buchholz said. "I was kind of
quiet for a week."

. Don't beat yourself up for not knowing your partner's sore spots by now.

"If I knew them that well, they wouldn't happen," Petersen said.

Researchers can only hypothesize why same-sex couples are more positive while
working out conflict: There's less room for gender inequality, and a relatively
weaker external support system makes them rely more on each other to stay
together, according to Dan Yoshimoto, a researcher for the study.

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<DIV><FONT size=3D4><!--include virtual=3D"/button-ad-code.asp"--><A =
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face=3D"Tahoma, Arial, Helvetica" size=3D1><IMG height=3D20=20
src=3D"http://www.spokesmanreview.com/images/small-logo.gif" width=3D200 =
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<P><FONT face=3D"Tahoma, Sans-serif" size=3D2>Sunday, May&nbsp;23, =
2004</FONT>=20
<BR><FONT face=3D"Arial, Helvetica" size=3D2>
<P><B><FONT class=3Dmednews>PARTNERSHIPS: same sex, same=20
problems</FONT></B><BR></P><FONT size=3D1>
<DIV align=3Dright><I></I></DIV></FONT><!-- added by gboysun 12/27/01-->
<P><FONT size=3D1>Young Chang</FONT> <FONT size=3D1>- The Seattle =
Times</FONT> <FONT=20
class=3Dstorybody>
<P>Married heterosexual couples could learn a thing or two from same-sex =

couples.=20
A University of Washington study late last year found that same-sex =
couples=20
are less negative when resolving conflicts than heterosexual couples, =
using less=20
belligerence and domineering, and more humor and affection.=20
=93Research up until now supports that the way in which people =
resolve=20
conflicts affects the quality of their relationship,=94 said Dan =
Yoshimoto, a=20
researcher for the study. =93Specific emotions like belligerence and=20
contemptuousness have been associated with less happiness in =
relationships.=94=20
The 12-year study, directed by John Gottman, professor emeritus at =
the=20
University of Washington and head of Seattle's Relationship Research =
Institute;=20
and Robert Levenson, psychology professor at the University of =
California,=20
Berkeley, compared 20 gay couples and 20 lesbian couples (all from San=20
Francisco) to 20 heterosexual married couples (from Indiana) of matching =
age,=20
marital satisfaction level, education and income.=20
Each same-sex couple was videotaped discussing a conflict for 15 =
minutes. The=20
results were compared with findings from an earlier study that taped 20=20
heterosexual couples resolving a conflict in the same amount of time.=20
Researchers can only hypothesize why same-sex couples are more =
positive while=20
working out conflict: There's less room for gender inequality, and a =
relatively=20
weaker external support system makes them rely more on each other to =
stay=20
together, Yoshimoto said.=20
In that spirit, we asked two long-committed Seattle couples -- Mark =
Alstead=20
and David Buchholz, and Jane Lighty and Pete-e Petersen -- to enlighten =
us with=20
their relationship do's and don'ts. Famous among their friends for =
getting=20
along, Lighty and Petersen, both retired nursing consultants, have been =
together=20
for 27 years, while Alstead, special project manager for the county =
jail, and=20
Buchholz, a medical director at Swedish Medical Center, are going on 14 =
years.=20
They know how to navigate the toothpaste wars, and they know how to =
talk=20
about money. And the four unanimously agree on one thing.=20
=93We are best friends,=94 Petersen said. =93I think it's central to =
our=20
being.=94<HL2 class=3Dsubhead>Relationship do's=20
<H5></H5>
=95&#8194;Figure out ways to hint at your partner's bad habits, =
without nagging.=20
Alstead doesn't like the way Buchholz drives. =93He's really =
aggressive, he's=20
all worried about people cutting him off. When I ride with him, which is =
most of=20
the time because he has the car we drive in, it's not very relaxing,=94 =
Alstead=20
said. =93So I've learned to give him hints. I don't say =91Dave, the =
speed limit's=20
35.' I say, =9135!' =94=20
=95&#8194;Tell yourself you'll get over it, and give yourself enough =
time.=20
Alstead usually needs two weeks, no matter how big the fight. =93It's =
sort of a=20
hope or strategy of optimism that it's gonna work out, that our life =
together is=20
getting better and better,=94 he said.=20
=95&#8194;Accept how long it takes your partner to cool off.=20
Buchholz, who typically needs a day to finish churning over a =
disagreement,=20
knows that Alstead needs weeks. He's accepted it and doesn't expect his =
partner=20
to change.=20
=95&#8194;Talk. Even if you're not the type to; even if it turns to =
yelling.=20
Petersen, who calls herself a =93talker=94 and says she needs =
everything out in=20
the open, said Lighty's quieter personality bothered her at first. =93It =
took=20
several years to get used to it, because I'm a retreater,=94 Lighty =
said. =93I've=20
had to work on coming out in that regard -- being more communicative in=20
expressing my feelings.=94=20
The University of Washington study also found that same-sex couples =
were more=20
honest while talking about sex and monogamy than heterosexual couples.=20
=95&#8194;Expect the intensity, that wonderfully sickening feeling in =
your stomach,=20
to wear off.=20
=93You're faced with the person you're with, and you have to forge a=20
partnership beyond those feelings,=94 Alstead said. This is where it's =
valuable to=20
be best friends, he added. =93You rely on that part,=94 Buchholz said.=20
=95&#8194;Let your partner work.=20
Alstead knows that Buchholz can be on call all weekend at the =
hospital. He=20
knows they can be awakened in the middle of the night. =93He doesn't put =
any=20
expectations on me in terms of expecting me to do the normal weekend =
types of=20
things we might do,=94 Buchholz said.=20
=95&#8194;Build up what Yoshimoto calls an =93external support =
system.=94=20
This includes well-wishing friends and family, but also the approval=20
heterosexuals have always inherently found through the institution of =
marriage,=20
wedding announcements in newspapers and wedding showers.=20
The University of Washington study found that 20 percent of the =
same-sex=20
couples had broken up since 1991. Projected over 40 years, that's 64 =
percent.=20
The divorce rate projected over 40 years for first marriages between=20
heterosexuals is 67 percent.=20
Yoshimoto said the similarity in numbers supports the idea that even =
same-sex=20
couples who communicate well need greater external support to sustain a=20
long-term relationship.=20
Petersen and Lighty have their friends and family, but also the =
support of=20
the Seattle Women's Chorus, a 120-plus member group of mostly gay women. =

<P>=93We didn't have gay friends till we came up here (to Seattle, in =
1986),=94=20
Lighty said.=20
<P>=95&#8194;Agree on basic life values.=20
<P>Sounds obvious, but when opposites attract, it's easy to overlook =
fundamental=20
differences.=20
<P>=93And that's when you can get into trouble,=94 Lighty said. =
=93Because you don't=20
agree on what's really important -- what you expect from others and=20
yourself.=94<HL2 class=3Dsubhead>Relationship don'ts=20
<H5></H5>
<P>=95&#8194;Don't force yourself to be similar when it comes to hobbies =
and interests.=20
<P>=93We don't do a lot of things together,=94 Lighty said. =93Pete-e =
can be upstairs,=20
I can be downstairs. It'd be awful to be the same. We would have killed =
each=20
other or crawled in a hole or something.=94=20
<P>=95&#8194;Don't lie about credit-card debt.=20
<P>While refinancing their mortgage last fall, Buchholz discovered that =
Alstead=20
had far more credit-card debt than he had ever alluded to. It led to the =
biggest=20
fight of their 13 years.=20
<P>=93The fight was that he had lied about the debt,=94 Buchholz said. =
=93I was kind=20
of quiet for a week.=94=20
<P>=95&#8194;Don't beat yourself up for not knowing your partner's sore =
spots by now.=20
<P>=93If I knew them that well, they wouldn't happen,=94 Petersen =
said.<BQ><BLOCK>=20
<P>Researchers can only hypothesize why same-sex couples are more =
positive while=20
working out conflict: There's less room for gender inequality, and a =
relatively=20
weaker external support system makes them rely more on each other to =
stay=20
together, according to Dan Yoshimoto, a researcher for the study. =
</BQ></P><!-- Leave this comment to close any opened comment tags =
--></FONT></FONT><!-- end news-story =
--></FONT></FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>

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