[Vision2020] Bennie (Merkle): Get that Degree! An Abject Apology and some Corrections Reply to Dick Schmidt

Fri, 20 Feb 2004 15:03:47 -0800

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Dear Ben Merkle, et al,

After my recent posting in regard to Ben Merkle's advanced degree safari,
several alert Vision 2020 readers and the AP correspondents from Spokane and
Seattle pointed out some huge factual errors in that posting.

I admit it.  I made some huge, inexcusable mistakes!  I did not check all
the latest facts before I rashly posted to Vision 2020.  I humbly and
sincerely apologize to Ben Merkle and everyone else who might have been
discommoded or misled by my slothful carelessness.

To atone for my pitiful lack of attention to the truth I offer the following
corrections.

Several alert, knowledgeable readers noted that the following construction
was incomplete:

Ms. Huskey does have a castrating wit which appears to have completed its
excision on you (and also on your father-in-law, the Cult Master.  Why else
would he cravenly flee Vision 2020 with his tail tightly tucked between his
hind legs?).

According to the alert readers the construction should have read:

Ms. Huskey does have a castrating wit which appears to have completed its
excision on you (and also on your father-in-law, the Moscow, Idaho Christ
Church Cult Master [Douglas Wilson].  Why else would he cravenly flee Vision
2020 with his ears laid completely back and with his tail tightly tucked
between his hind legs?).

Almost all responding alert readers, especially the AP correspondents,
commented that the news about Ben Merkle's testicles was out of date.

Here's the latest:

First, Merkle's testicles are no longer in the possession of their original
excisor, Rose Huskey.

Second, their condition can no longer be correctly and accurately described
as "a bit soiled and slightly decomposed".

According to AP:

Some playful, unruly girls from New Saint Andrews somehow got hold of Merkle
's balls and mistakenly (they claim, amidst of a prolonged chorus of
uncontrollable giggles) used them in several table tennis matches.  I
greatly fear that Ben's plums are now more than severely impaired.

In fact, thanks to the overwhelming, regal generosity and infinitely
overflowing compassion of Christ Church Cult Master Douglas Wilson, Ben
Merkle's testicles have been placed in their final resting place - the giant
jar of pickled eggs at the Corner Club.

But there is a solution for poor, pathetic Merkle.  He does not have to
suffer through life ballessly.  According to the Know-Alls at Christian
Bestiality, testicles from an Athabaskan pygmy goat can be very successfully
transplanted onto Ben.

The only known side effect from such a transplant is humongous horniness.
However, that should not be a problem for Merkle working as he does at New
Saint Andrews among the barely legal youth of both sexes selected for
admission based in part because of their anxiousness to please.

[PETA might raise an objection at the sacrifice of a pygmy goat's testicles
on an effeminate pseudo-scholar (their words) and thus might try to reclaim
or vandalize Ben's new jewels, but there are risks in all worthy
activities.]

To further atone for my previous careless, insensitive, inexcusable errors,
I have conducted Google research in order to find a sure-fire therapy
promoting personal assuagement for Mr. Merkle.  I hope that he accepts this
therapy found after days of research in the spirit in which it is given and
applies it daily with titanic results.

According to Splotch PlagueYe, Publisher-in-Chief of Cannot Press, this
bible-based method of therapy is infallible.  Facing infinite, daily
frustrations in his own job, PlagueYe highly recommends and, in fact, uses
this therapy frequently himself.

The therapy:

1.               Go to the privacy of your home.

2.               Warn everyone present that you are not to be disturbed.

3.               Go into the bathroom.

4.               Shut and lock the door.

5.               Turn off the lights.

6.               Disrobe.

7.               Sit yourself comfortably on the Royal Throne.

8.               Take a long, slow, satisfying Douglas Wilson.

Sincerely,

Wayne Fox

  ----- Original Message ----- 
  From: Dick Schmidt
  To: vision2020@moscow.com
  Sent: Friday, February 20, 2004 12:11 PM
  Subject: [Vision2020] Neither a scholar nor a gentleman

  Anyone:

  Is there any news today about poor Ben Merkle's testicles?  I hate to
think
  of them in the possession of that sorceress Rose Huskey.

  Dick Schmidt

  Original News Item:

  Dear Bennie (Merkle),

  You should pay no attention to all those scoffers of your attempts to
procure a box-top, no coursework PhD.  Especially ignore the cunning taunts
of the unservile, doesn't know a woman's true place in the universe Rose
Huskey.  (See what happens when you kindly educate women!)

  If you can Google, you will find that tens of thousands of your homologues
have paid sometimes as much as $100.00 to get a no coursework high school
diploma simply by writing an essay on what they did last summer or a similar
topic.  (A no coursework PhD may cost up to $250.00!)  Pay no attention to
the articles in business magazines exposing these scams, pardon me, schools
to executives and personnel managers - probably just sour grapes.

  Ms. Huskey does have a castrating wit which appears to have completed its
excision on you (and also on your father-in-law, the Cult Master.  Why else
would he cravenly flee Vision 2020 with his tail tightly tucked between his
hind legs?).

  But in your favor and against my better judgment I took the advice of Ms.
Huskey and visited the website of the Evangelical College of Wales.  Very
impressive!  They appear to have at least six full time employees.

  But I wonder:  are you as disturbed as I am at the very striking
resemblance between Evangelical College of Wales President, the Rev. Dr.
Noel Gibbard http://www.etcw.ac.uk/Staff/Staff.htm, and an aged version of
Melvin Cosnowski, the What Me Worry? Poster Person of Mad Magazine?

  Never mind.  I urge you to complete this degree.  It may be your ticket
out of your present dehumanizing, dead-end job for working for your
demanding, draining, manipulative father-in-law.*

  Sincerely,

  Wayne Fox

  *PS.  If you are successful in escaping your non-forgiving father-in-law's
buzzard-like clutches, maybe Rose Huskey will give you your testicles back -
though they are a bit soiled and slightly decomposed from their frequent
exhibition by Ms. Huskey to many Palouse region residents.

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<DIV>
Dear Ben=20
Merkle, et al,
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
After my=20
recent posting in regard to Ben Merkle=92s advanced degree safari, =
several alert=20
Vision 2020 readers and the AP correspondents from Spokane and Seattle =
pointed=20
out some huge factual errors in that posting.
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
I admit it.=20
&nbsp;I made some huge, =
inexcusable=20
mistakes!&nbsp; I did not check =
all the=20
latest facts before I rashly posted to Vision 2020.<SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp; I humbly and sincerely =
apologize to Ben=20
Merkle and everyone else who might have been&nbsp;discommoded or misled =
by my=20
slothful carelessness.
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
To atone for=20
my pitiful lack of attention to the truth I offer the following=20
corrections.
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
Several alert,=20
knowledgeable readers noted that the following construction was=20
incomplete:
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
Ms. Huskey=20
does have a castrating wit which appears to have completed its excision =
on you=20
(and also on your father-in-law, the Cult Master.<SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp; Why else would he cravenly =
flee Vision=20
2020 with his tail tightly tucked between his hind legs?).
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
According to=20
the alert readers the construction should have read:
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
Ms. Huskey=20
does have a castrating wit which appears to have completed its excision =
on you=20
(and also on your father-in-law, the <I=20
style=3D"mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Moscow, Idaho Christ Church =
Cult=20
Master [Douglas =
Wilson].<SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp; Why else would he cravenly =
flee Vision=20
2020 with his ears laid =
completely=20
back and with his tail tightly tucked between his hind=20
legs?).
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
Almost all=20
responding alert readers, especially the AP correspondents, commented =
that the=20
news about Ben Merkle=92s testicles was out of date.
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
Here=92s the=20
latest:
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
First,=20
Merkle=92s testicles are no longer in the possession of their original =
excisor,=20
Rose Huskey.
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
Second, their=20
condition can no longer be correctly and accurately described as =93a =
bit soiled=20
and slightly decomposed=94.
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
According to=20
AP:
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
Some playful,=20
unruly girls from New Saint Andrews somehow got hold of Merkle=92s balls =
and=20
mistakenly (they claim, amidst of a prolonged chorus of uncontrollable =
giggles)=20
used them in several table tennis matches.&nbsp;=20
I greatly fear that Ben=92s plums are now more than severely=20
impaired.
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
In fact,=20
thanks to the overwhelming, regal generosity and infinitely overflowing=20
compassion of Christ Church Cult Master Douglas Wilson, Ben Merkle=92s =
testicles=20
have been placed in their final resting place =96 the giant jar of =
pickled eggs at=20
the Corner Club.
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
But there is a=20
solution for poor, pathetic Merkle.&nbsp;=20
He does not have to suffer through life ballessly.<SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp; According to the Know-Alls at =
<A=20
href=3D"http://www.christkirk.com/">Christian Bestiality<FONT=20
face=3DVerdana></A>, testicles from an =
Athabaskan pygmy=20
goat can be very successfully transplanted onto Ben.
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
The only known=20
side effect from such a transplant is humongous horniness.<SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp; However, that should not be a =
problem=20
for Merkle working as he does at New Saint Andrews among the barely =
legal youth=20
of both sexes selected for admission based in part because of their =
anxiousness=20
to please.
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
[PETA might=20
raise an objection at the sacrifice of a pygmy goat=92s testicles on an =
effeminate=20
pseudo-scholar (their words) and thus might try to reclaim or vandalize =
Ben=92s=20
new jewels, but there are risks in all worthy activities.]
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
To further=20
atone for my previous careless, insensitive, inexcusable errors, I have=20
conducted Google research in order to find a sure-fire therapy promoting =

personal assuagement for Mr. Merkle.&nbsp;=20
I hope that he accepts this therapy found after days of research =
in the=20
spirit in which it is given and applies it daily with titanic=20
results.
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
According to=20
Splotch PlagueYe, Publisher-in-Chief of Cannot Press, this bible-based =
method of=20
therapy is infallible.&nbsp; =
Facing=20
infinite, daily frustrations in his own job, PlagueYe highly recommends =
and, in=20
fact, uses this therapy frequently himself.
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
The=20
therapy:
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
<FONT=20
face=3DVerdana><SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-fareast-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-family: =
Verdana"><SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-list: Ignore">1.<FONT=20
size=3D3>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbs=
p;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;=20
Go to the privacy of your home.
<FONT=20
face=3DVerdana><SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-fareast-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-family: =
Verdana"><SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-list: Ignore">2.<FONT=20
size=3D3>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbs=
p;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;=20
Warn everyone present that you are not to be =

disturbed.
<FONT=20
face=3DVerdana><SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-fareast-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-family: =
Verdana"><SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-list: Ignore">3.<FONT=20
size=3D3>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbs=
p;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;=20
Go into the bathroom.
<FONT=20
face=3DVerdana><SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-fareast-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-family: =
Verdana"><SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-list: Ignore">4.<FONT=20
size=3D3>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbs=
p;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;=20
Shut and lock the door.
<FONT=20
face=3DVerdana><SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-fareast-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-family: =
Verdana"><SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-list: Ignore">5.<FONT=20
size=3D3>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbs=
p;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;=20
Turn off the lights.
<FONT=20
face=3DVerdana><SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-fareast-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-family: =
Verdana"><SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-list: Ignore">6.<FONT=20
size=3D3>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbs=
p;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;=20
Disrobe.
<FONT=20
face=3DVerdana><SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-fareast-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-family: =
Verdana"><SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-list: Ignore">7.<FONT=20
size=3D3>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbs=
p;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;=20
Sit yourself comfortably on the Royal=20
Throne.
<FONT=20
face=3DVerdana><SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-fareast-font-family: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-family: =
Verdana"><SPAN=20
style=3D"mso-list: Ignore">8.<FONT=20
size=3D3>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbs=
p;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;=20
Take a long, slow, satisfying Douglas=20
Wilson.
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
<FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>Sincerely,
<o:p><FONT=20
face=3DVerdana>&nbsp;</o:p>
Wayne=20
Fox
<o:p>&nbsp;</o:p>
<o:p>&nbsp;</o:p></DIV>
<BLOCKQUOTE dir=3Dltr=20
style=3D"PADDING-RIGHT: 0px; PADDING-LEFT: 5px; MARGIN-LEFT: 5px; =
BORDER-LEFT: #000000 2px solid; MARGIN-RIGHT: 0px">
 <DIV style=3D"FONT: 10pt arial">----- Original Message ----- </DIV>
 <DIV=20
 style=3D"BACKGROUND: #e4e4e4; FONT: 10pt arial; font-color: =
black">From:=20
 <A title=3Ddickschmidt@moscow.com =
href=3D"mailto:dickschmidt@moscow.com">Dick=20
 Schmidt</A> </DIV>
 <DIV style=3D"FONT: 10pt arial">To: <A =
title=3Dvision2020@moscow.com=20
 href=3D"mailto:vision2020@moscow.com">vision2020@moscow.com</A> </DIV>
 <DIV style=3D"FONT: 10pt arial">Sent: Friday, February 20, 2004 =
12:11=20
 PM</DIV>
 <DIV style=3D"FONT: 10pt arial">Subject: [Vision2020] Neither a =
scholar=20
 nor a gentleman</DIV>
 <DIV> </DIV>
 <DIV> Anyone:</DIV>
 <DIV> Is there any news today about poor Ben Merkle's =
testicles?&nbsp; I=20
 hate to think of them in the possession of that sorceress Rose=20
 Huskey. Dick Schmidt </DIV>
 <DIV>
 
 Original =
News=20
 Item:
 &nbsp;
 Dear Bennie =
(Merkle),
 <o:p>&nbsp;</o:p>
 You should pay no =
attention to=20
 all those scoffers of your attempts to procure a box-top, no =
coursework=20
 PhD.&nbsp; Especially ignore =
the=20
 cunning taunts of the unservile, doesn=92t know a woman=92s true place =
in the=20
 universe Rose Huskey. &nbsp;(See what happens when you kindly educate=20
 women!)
 <o:p>&nbsp;</o:p>
 If you can Google, =
you will=20
 find that tens of thousands of your homologues have paid sometimes as =
much as=20
 $100.00 to get a no coursework high school diploma simply by writing =
an essay=20
 on what they did last summer or a similar topic.<SPAN=20
 style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp; (A no coursework PhD may =
cost up to=20
 $250.00!)&nbsp; Pay no =
attention to the=20
 articles in business magazines exposing these scams, pardon me, =
schools to=20
 executives and personnel managers =96 probably just sour grapes.
 <o:p>&nbsp;</o:p>
 Ms. Huskey does =
have a=20
 castrating wit which appears to have completed its excision on you =
(and also=20
 on your father-in-law, the Cult Master.&nbsp;=20
 Why else would he cravenly flee Vision 2020 with his tail =
tightly=20
 tucked between his hind legs?).
 <o:p>&nbsp;</o:p>
 But in your favor =
and against=20
 my better judgment I took the advice of Ms. Huskey and visited the =
website of=20
 the Evangelical College of Wales.&nbsp;=20
 Very impressive!&nbsp; =
They=20
 appear to have at least six full time employees.
 <o:p>&nbsp;</o:p>
 But I wonder: <SPAN =

style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp;are you as disturbed as I am =
at the=20
 very striking resemblance between Evangelical College of Wales =
President, the=20
 Rev. Dr. Noel Gibbard <A=20
 =
href=3D"http://www.etcw.ac.uk/Staff/Staff.htm">http://www.etcw.ac.uk/Staf=
f/Staff.htm</A>,=20
 and an aged version of Melvin Cosnowski, the What Me Worry? Poster =
Person of=20
 Mad Magazine?
 <o:p>&nbsp;</o:p>
 Never mind.<SPAN=20
 style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp; I urge you to complete this=20
 degree.&nbsp; It may be your =
ticket out=20
 of your present dehumanizing, dead-end job for working for your =
demanding,=20
 draining, manipulative father-in-law.*
 <o:p>&nbsp;</o:p>
 Sincerely,
 <o:p>&nbsp;</o:p>
 Wayne Fox
 <o:p>&nbsp;</o:p>
 *PS.<SPAN=20
 style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp; If you are successful in =
escaping your=20
 non-forgiving father-in-law=92s buzzard-like clutches, maybe Rose =
Huskey will=20
 give you your testicles back =96 though they are a bit soiled and =
slightly=20
 decomposed from their frequent exhibition by Ms. Huskey to many =
Palouse region=20
 residents.<o:p></o:p></DIV></BLOCKQUOTE></BODY></HTML>

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