[Vision2020] Republican Jokes (Clean)

[Tom Hansen]

Greetings Visionaires -

Just thought that I might inject a little huor at this time.  I think we can
use a bit of it now, huh?

Thses are Republican jokes.  For those of you that believe that turnabout is
fair play, feel freee to post some Semocratic jokes.  I think we can all
grasp the concept of humor without . . .

"The number two Republican in the Senate, Mitch McConnell underwent heart
surgery last week. He's doing fine. Nothing was actually wrong with his
heart, it's just that whenever a Republican is elected to a leadership
position, they have to have their heart bypassed." —Jay Leno

"Here's good news I guess, New York City will host the 2004 Republican
convention. We lured the Republicans here the old fashioned way, with bribe
money and hookers. ... The Republicans are getting ready. They want
everything to go perfectly. In fact, they are already auditioning people to
be black Republicans." —David Letterman

"So now the U.S. senate is going to be led by the cat world's answer to Dr.
Mengele!" —Columnist Alexander Cockburn, on reports that Senate Majority
Leader Bill Frist used to adopt cats from animal shelters and kill them
during experiments
"It looks like the guy likely to replace Lott is Tennessee Senator Bill
Frist, who was a heart transplant surgeon before he came to the Senate.
Being a heart surgeon, he knew exactly where to plunge the dagger." —Jay
Leno

"Trent Lott has found himself in a lot of trouble over his comments (about
segregation)...Keep in mind Lott only says this kind of stuff once every 22
years. We like to think of him as the Halley's Comet of bigotry." —Jon
Stewart

"The government has now cancelled all pay raises for all federal employees.
So let's see, President Bush's party has taken control of Congress, last
week they gave themselves a pay raise, and cancelled pay raises for all
other employees. I think that's called the 'Republican Trifecta.'" —Jay Leno

"President Bush's press secretary Ari Fleischer just got married and,
believe it or not, one of the wedding presents he was registered for was a
DVD of 'Forrest Gump.' He wanted to watch 'Forrest Gump.' You'd think he'd
get enough of that at work." —Jay Leno

"As you know the Republicans now control everything in Washington — the
House, the Senate, Supreme Court, the White House. Well the bad news, they
got no excuse. You screw up this one, it's your fault." —Jay Leno
"I've been in politics for over 20 years, and for over 20 years, I've had
Barbara Streisand trying to do my job. And so I decided to try my hand at
her job." —Sen. John McCain, in a Saturday Night Live sketch in which he
sang ballads from his new album "McCain Sings Streisand"

"Senator Strom Thurmond is retiring. He turns 100 years old in December – or
as Anna Nicole Smith calls him – "the bachelor." —Jay Leno

"The Justice Department announced plans this week for a new color- coded
alert system with green for the most relaxed and red as the most serious
warning. ....Strom Thurmond was visibly enthused about the plan, saying, 'A
colored alert system? I've been waiting for one of them for years.'" —Tina
Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Congressman Bob Barr was at a rally last night when someone gave him a .38
caliber gun as a gift. Well, the gun went off. You know, the politicians hit
the floor. The Republicans thought maybe it was an angry voter, someone with
money in the stock market. And the Democrats thought maybe it was an angry
husband. So, between the two of them, they didn't know where to go." —Jay
Leno

"As you know, a judge here in California has ruled that the Pledge of
Allegiance is unconstitutional. A reporter asked Attorney General John
Ashcroft how he felt about the ruling, but Ashcroft said he couldn't answer,
because, you know, he hasn't read the Constitution yet." —Jay Leno

"Today is the anniversary of the Watergate break-in. That's the day the
Republicans tried to steal the Democrat's plans. That's also the last time
the Democrats had any plans worth stealing. It's also the last time a
Republican president had a plan and actually carried it out." —Jay Leno

"Attorney General John Ashcroft is going to cover up another nude statue in
the Justice Department. Remember last time, he spent $8,000 to cover up a
statue with a curtain. This time it will be a little cheaper because they're
just going to cover it with hundreds of unread FBI memos." —Jay Leno

"Even Mayor Bloomberg takes part in summertime activities. How many of you
knew Mayor Bloomberg plays golf? So anyway today he goes out and plays golf,
but you got to give him credit, it is hard to sink a difficult put, you know
when you are wrecked on weed." —David Letterman

"Have you been hearing about all the new security alerts for New York City?
Nothing to worry about. Mayor Mike Bloomberg said everything is safe,
absolutely nothing to worry about. And he said this from his house in the
Bahamas." —David Letterman

"Speaking at the National Press Club, former Vice President Dan Quayle said
that if you take out the profanity, the TV show The Osbournes is a show
about good family values. If you take out the profanity, The Osbournes is
about thirty seconds long...Quayle also said that when teenagers see Ozzy
Osbourne, it sends them the right message about drugs. Think about it, Dan
Quayle never did drugs, he's middle-aged and unemployed. Ozzy did drugs for
thirty years, lives in a $10 million dollar house, has his own TV show and a
$3 million dollar book deal. What's the message?" —Jay Leno

"NBC announced this week that they will be producing a three-hour TV movie
based on the life of Rudy Giuliani. To keep the movie true to life, the
Giuliani character is really unlikable until the last fifteen minutes when
everyone loves him." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"White House spokesperson Ari Fleischer ... announced he's getting married.
He said he was going to promise to love, honor and cherish his new bride,
but he told her he doesn't want to be quoted by name, just refer to him as a
senior White House official." —Jay Leno

"With new data, scientists have determined that the universe is 13 billion
years old. After hearing this, Strom Thurmond said, 'It kills me that I
missed the first half.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Today is Earth Day, or, as the Bush administration calls it, Monday. ... I
thought this was a nice touch. To celebrate Earth Day here, Mayor Bloomberg
went out and planted some weed." —David Letterman

"Today President Bush said he wants a ban on cloning. Meanwhile, Attorney
General Ashcroft said he wants a ban on making humans the old-fashioned
way." —Conan O'Brien

"Big controversy at the University of Northern Colorado. It seems that an
intramural basketball team made up of mostly Native Americans ... decided to
protest all the mascots that offend them by naming their team 'The Fighting
Whities.' ... Isn't that the name of the Republican Party?" —Jay Leno

"Elizabeth Dole is considering a run for the Senate. When asked about it,
Mrs. Dole said, 'Anything to get away from my husband and his little blue
pills'" —Conan O'Brien

"Bob Dole is going to be appearing in a Pepsi commercial with Britney
Spears. Yeah, apparently Dole says that if this doesn't cure his erectile
dysfunction, nothing will." —Conan O'Brien

"Senator Jim Jeffords made huge news when he switched political parties.
Everyone was talking about it. Then it was pointed out that Strom Thurmond
once switched parties. Apparently, years ago, Strom switched from the
hunters to the gatherers." —Conan O'Brien

"I guess today Senator James Jeffords from Vermont left the Republican
party, became an independent. Yeah, he said he did it to follow his
conscience and his principles. See, that's why he became independent, if you
have a conscience and principles, you can't be a Republican or a
Democrat." —Jay Leno

"The big rumor in Washington is that Senator James Jeffords of Vermont may
switch parties, giving Democrats control of the Senate. That's the big
rumor. See, that would still leave the House controlled by the Republicans,
and of course the White House controlled by the oil companies. So you'd
still have that balance." —Jay Leno

"The shift in power in the Senate means that Trent Lott will become the
minority leader. Funny, you rarely hear a sentence with the words Trent Lott
and minority that doesn't also include the words 'no appeal to' and
'hates'." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart

"Governor Jeb Bush of Florida announced he was running for re-election. Not
only did he announce he was running for re-election, he also announced what
his final vote count would be." —Jay Leno

"There have been rumors swirling around Florida that Florida Gov. Jeb Bush
had been cheating on his wife. But he says no, that's not true, technically
he wasn't cheating, they only had dimpled sex. That's when it doesn't go all
the way." —Jay Leno

"Actually, he especially denied having an affair with Florida Secretary of
State Katherine Harris. I believe him, I don't think he did. An affair with
Katherine Harris? How much makeup would that leave on your collar? ... He
said as a Republican, the only people he's been in bed with are the tobacco
industry and the gun lobby." —Jay Leno

"Actually they said they don't really know how many women (Jeb Bush) has
been with because since it is Florida, they're still counting. ... Boy talk
about switches. During the last administration the president was accused of
infidelity and his brother was an idiot. Now it is the other way
around." —Jay Leno

"Jeb Bush went on TV the other day to deny rumors that he had a sexual
relationship with a former Playboy Playmate. Oh! As a guy, that's got to
kill you doesn't it? Having to deny to your friends that you had sex with a
Playmate, even if you did." —Jay Leno

"In Washington last week, officials from the National Rifle Association met
with a group of two hundred high school students. There were no
survivors." —Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Florida Secretary of State Katherine "Cruella DeVil" Harris is now running
for Congress. She is running for Congress but she is now being investigated
for budgeting three and half million dollars for overseas travel. It seems
she went to Argentina, Panama, Brazil, Venezuela, Barbados, and Mexico all
on tax payers' money. She said it was part of a program to see how third
world countries fix their elections." —Jay Leno

"You remember Katherine Harris, Florida's Secretary of State. Now she is
running for Congress. Just what we need, another crooked Florida election.
She already believes that the confused and disoriented voters will put her
over the top. She is very confident, she predicts she will win the election
by 742 votes." —David Letterman

"New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is once again expressing outrage at an art
exhibit, this time at a painting in which Jesus is depicted as a naked
woman. Said the mayor, 'This trash is not the sort of thing that I want to
look at when I go to the museum with my mistress.'" —Tina Fey, on Saturday
Night Live's "Weekend Update""