<html><head><meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"></head><body dir="auto">See below . . .<br><br><div dir="ltr"><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Seeya 'round town, Moscow, because . . .</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"Moscow Cares" (the most fun you can have with your pants on)</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">http://www.MoscowCares.net</span></div><div><br></div><div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Tom Hansen</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Moscow, Idaho</span></div></div><div><br></div><div>“A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.”</div><div>- Roy E. Stolworthy</div><div></div></div><div dir="ltr"><br>Begin forwarded message:<br><br></div><blockquote type="cite"><div dir="ltr"><b>From:</b> The Borowitz Report <newyorker@newsletter.newyorker.com><br><b>Date:</b> September 17, 2022 at 6:04:20 AM PDT<br><b>To:</b> thansen@moscow.com<br><b>Subject:</b> <b>ADV: Dan Quayle: Profile in Ignorance</b><br><br></div></blockquote><blockquote type="cite"><div dir="ltr">
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<title>DAN QUAYLE: PROFILE IN IGNORANCE</title>
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<img src="https://media.newyorker.com/photos/6324c02d0c59aaa58755996b/master/w_1200%2Cc_limit/Boro-Quayle-1387156851.jpg" srcset="https://media.newyorker.com/photos/6324c02d0c59aaa58755996b/master/w_600%2Cc_limit/Boro-Quayle-1387156851.jpg 1x, https://media.newyorker.com/photos/6324c02d0c59aaa58755996b/master/w_1200%2Cc_limit/Boro-Quayle-1387156851.jpg 2x, https://media.newyorker.com/photos/6324c02d0c59aaa58755996b/master/w_1800%2Cc_limit/Boro-Quayle-1387156851.jpg 3x" class="responsive" alt="Dan Quayle" role="presentation" style="-ms-interpolation-mode: bicubic; border: 0; outline: none; text-decoration: none; width: 100%; height: auto;" data-unique-identifier="">
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<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">Dear reader,</p>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">I recently spoke with David Remnick on <a href="https://link.newyorker.com/click/29079029.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" target="_blank" style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; text-underline-position: from-font; text-decoration: underline; color: #000; -webkit-text-decoration-color: #068CDE; text-decoration-color: #068CDE;">The New Yorker Radio Hour</a> about my new book, “<a href="https://link.newyorker.com/click/29079029.352559/aHR0cHM6Ly9hbXpuLnRvLzNkYnlWdGk_dXRtX3NvdXJjZT1ubCZ1dG1fYnJhbmQ9dG55JnV0bV9tYWlsaW5nPVROWV9Cb3Jvd2l0el8wOTE3MjImdXRtX2NhbXBhaWduPWF1ZC1kZXYmdXRtX21lZGl1bT1lbWFpbCZieGlkPTViZWExMTJiM2Y5MmE0MDQ2OTY0MDc0NyZjbmRpZD0yNDQ5NDk4MiZoYXNoYT1mY2Y1Zjc1MWQ5ODNmYWIzMTRmZTdkZWQ2MzYzMzkzMyZoYXNoYj02MDE4NTYzZjVhZGU0MTZlYjZiYzVkZTAyOTA0MDUzOGU4NDI4YTg3Jmhhc2hjPTViMmRlMWI2MmNmMDJlZTAzMzYwYWY3ZmRiMThmMTkxYmQ0ZDZlOWM1ZWExYWJhZjQyNDdiM2I2ZDFhNTI1MzMmZXNyYz1hcnRpY2xlLW5ld3NsZXR0ZXImbWJpZD1DUk1OWVIwNjI0MTk/5bea112b3f92a40469640747Bc3f2d353" target="_blank" style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; text-underline-position: from-font; text-decoration: underline; color: #000; -webkit-text-decoration-color: #068CDE; text-decoration-color: #068CDE;">Profiles in Ignorance: How America’s Politicians Got Dumb and Dumber</a>.” Unlike The Borowitz Report, which satirizes the news, “Profiles in Ignorance” is factual: the gaffes, misstatements, and fiascos it describes are often shocking and embarrassing—and, to the misfortune of the American people, they all really happened. One of the book’s towering figures is our forty-fourth Vice-President, Dan Quayle, about whom the humorist Molly Ivins once said, “If you put that man’s brain in a bumblebee, it would fly backwards.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">Although the hapless Quayle is perhaps most remembered for his failure to spell “potato” during a visit to a middle-school classroom, in 1992, that episode has overshadowed his greatest contribution to American history: an unmatched catalogue of incoherent utterances, many of which are small masterpieces of surrealism. In the interest of giving the man his due, I offer below the “Complete Knowledge of Dan Quayle” (unabridged).</p>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;"><em>—Andy Borowitz</em></p>
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<h2 style="margin: 0; padding: 0; color: #000000; margin-bottom: 8px; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: 700; font-size: 26px; line-height: 32px;">Dan Quayle on Education</h2>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“You take the United Negro College Fund model—that what a waste it is to lose one’s mind, or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”</p>
<h2 style="margin: 0; padding: 0; color: #000000; margin-bottom: 8px; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: 700; font-size: 26px; line-height: 32px;">Dan Quayle on Geography</h2>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“The western part of Pennsylvania is very, uh, Midwestern. Midwestern. And the eastern part is more . . . east. Uh, the Midwest . . . Uh, Pennsylvania is a very important state, a big state. The western part is—Pennsylvania is a divided state, like Tennessee is divided into three parts. Pennsylvania is divided into two parts. You have western Pennsylvania and then you have eastern Pennsylvania.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“Hawaii is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a—it is different than the other forty-nine states. Well, all states are different, but it’s got a particularly unique situation.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.”</p>
<h2 style="margin: 0; padding: 0; color: #000000; margin-bottom: 8px; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: 700; font-size: 26px; line-height: 32px;">Dan Quayle on Outer Space</h2>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“For <em class="small" style="font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; font-style: normal; font-variant: all-small-caps;">NASA</em>, space is still a high priority.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“It’s time for the human race to enter the solar system.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”</p>
<h2 style="margin: 0; padding: 0; color: #000000; margin-bottom: 8px; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: 700; font-size: 26px; line-height: 32px;">Dan Quayle on Family Values</h2>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between parent and child.”</p>
<h2 style="margin: 0; padding: 0; color: #000000; margin-bottom: 8px; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: 700; font-size: 26px; line-height: 32px;">Dan Quayle on Politics</h2>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“This election is about who’s going to be the next President of the United States.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Vice-President, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.’ ”</p>
<h2 style="margin: 0; padding: 0; color: #000000; margin-bottom: 8px; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: 700; font-size: 26px; line-height: 32px;">Dan Quayle, Master Detective</h2>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple. Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.”</p>
<h2 style="margin: 0; padding: 0; color: #000000; margin-bottom: 8px; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: 700; font-size: 26px; line-height: 32px;">Dan Quayle, Time Traveller</h2>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“The real question for 1988 is whether we’re going to go forward to tomorrow, or past to the . . . to the back.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“The future will be better tomorrow.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean, in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”</p>
<h2 style="margin: 0; padding: 0; color: #000000; margin-bottom: 8px; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: 700; font-size: 26px; line-height: 32px;">And, finally, Zen Quayle:</h2>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”</p>
<p style="margin: 0 0 24px 0; -ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; color: #000;">“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”</p>
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<img src="https://media.newyorker.com/photos/631fbc98d8355544882a8ffc/4:3/w_500%2Cc_limit/Boro%20Benedict.jpg" srcset="https://media.newyorker.com/photos/631fbc98d8355544882a8ffc/4:3/w_250%2Cc_limit/Boro%20Benedict.jpg 1x, https://media.newyorker.com/photos/631fbc98d8355544882a8ffc/4:3/w_500%2Cc_limit/Boro%20Benedict.jpg 2x, https://media.newyorker.com/photos/631fbc98d8355544882a8ffc/4:3/w_750%2Cc_limit/Boro%20Benedict.jpg 3x" class="responsive" alt="Undated sketch portrait of Gen. Benedict Arnold by unknown artist." role="presentation" style="-ms-interpolation-mode: bicubic; border: 0; outline: none; text-decoration: none; width: 100%; height: auto; margin-bottom: 8px;" data-unique-identifier="">
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<span class="rubric" style="font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 24px; font-style: italic; color: #DB3334; font-weight: normal; font-size: 17px;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a href="https://link.newyorker.com/click/29079029.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" class="msoLink msoLink-rubric" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Satire from The Borowitz Report<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
<h5 class="hed" style="padding: 0; color: #000000; margin-bottom: 8px; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 24px; margin: 8px 0 0; font-size: 22px;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a href="https://link.newyorker.com/click/29079029.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" class="msoLink msoLink-hed" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Benedict Arnold Wishes He Had Had Special Master<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></h5> <p class="dek" style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 24px; color: #000; margin: 8px 0 0; font-size: 17px;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a href="https://link.newyorker.com/click/29079029.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" class="msoLink msoLink-dek" target="_blank"><![endif]-->“I think a special master would have taken a look and said, ‘Hold on, here—switching sides is a personal decision, so that’s privileged,’ ” the disgraced military officer said.<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></p>
<div class="contributors" style="font-family: Graphik, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: 500; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; color: #000; margin: 8px 0 0;">
By <span class="contributor"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a href="https://link.newyorker.com/click/29079029.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" class="msoLink msoLink-contributor" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Andy Borowitz<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
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<!--[if gte mso 12]><a href="https://link.newyorker.com/click/29079029.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" class="msoLink msoLink-image" target="_blank"><![endif]-->
<img src="https://media.newyorker.com/photos/631b89b2d8355544882a8ab8/4:3/w_500%2Cc_limit/Boro-Putin-Raid.jpg" srcset="https://media.newyorker.com/photos/631b89b2d8355544882a8ab8/4:3/w_250%2Cc_limit/Boro-Putin-Raid.jpg 1x, https://media.newyorker.com/photos/631b89b2d8355544882a8ab8/4:3/w_500%2Cc_limit/Boro-Putin-Raid.jpg 2x, https://media.newyorker.com/photos/631b89b2d8355544882a8ab8/4:3/w_750%2Cc_limit/Boro-Putin-Raid.jpg 3x" class="responsive" alt="The Russian President Vladimir Putin listens during a meeting." role="presentation" style="-ms-interpolation-mode: bicubic; border: 0; outline: none; text-decoration: none; width: 100%; height: auto; margin-bottom: 8px;" data-unique-identifier="">
<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]-->
<span class="rubric" style="font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 24px; font-style: italic; color: #DB3334; font-weight: normal; font-size: 17px;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a href="https://link.newyorker.com/click/29079029.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" class="msoLink msoLink-rubric" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Satire from The Borowitz Report<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
<h5 class="hed" style="padding: 0; color: #000000; margin-bottom: 8px; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 24px; margin: 8px 0 0; font-size: 22px;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a href="https://link.newyorker.com/click/29079029.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" class="msoLink msoLink-hed" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Putin Says He Is Losing War in Ukraine Because F.B.I. Seized Stuff He Needed<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></h5> <p class="dek" style="-ms-text-size-adjust: 100%; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 24px; color: #000; margin: 8px 0 0; font-size: 17px;"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a href="https://link.newyorker.com/click/29079029.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" class="msoLink msoLink-dek" target="_blank"><![endif]-->“If I had those things right now, I wouldn’t be getting my ass kicked all over Kharkiv,” the Russian President said.<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></p>
<div class="contributors" style="font-family: Graphik, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-weight: 500; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; color: #000; margin: 8px 0 0;">
By <span class="contributor"><!--[if gte mso 12]><a href="https://link.newyorker.com/click/29079029.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" class="msoLink msoLink-contributor" target="_blank"><![endif]-->Andy Borowitz<!--[if gte mso 12]></a><![endif]--></span>
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