
<html><head><meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"></head><body dir="auto">Courtesy of the <i>New Yorker</i> at:<div><br></div><div><a href="https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/fauci-testifies-that-legalizing-marijuana-would-help-people-who-have-to-listen-to-ted-cruz-talk">https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/fauci-testifies-that-legalizing-marijuana-would-help-people-who-have-to-listen-to-ted-cruz-talk</a></div><div><br></div><div>————————————————-</div><div><div><h1 data-testid="ContentHeaderHed" class="BaseWrap-sc-TURhJ BaseText-fFzBQt ContentHeaderHed-kpvpFG eTiIvU fHXNkq klOfMA" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 44.20000076293945px; margin: 20px 0px 0px; --type-token: consumptionEditorial.hed-standard; font-family: IrvinHeadingWeb, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-feature-settings: normal; line-break: auto; line-height: 1.130090495492055em; font-weight: 400; overflow-wrap: normal; transition-property: color, background, text-shadow; transition-duration: 0.2s; transition-timing-function: ease-in-out; cursor: unset; grid-column-start: 1; grid-column-end: span 8; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Fauci Testifies That Legalizing Marijuana Would Help People Who Have to Listen to Ted Cruz Talk</h1></div><div><br></div><div>WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Adding his voice to the movement to legalize cannabis at the federal level, Dr. Anthony Fauci testified that marijuana could be helpful to people who have to listen to Senator Ted Cruz speak.</div><div><br></div><div>“Medically speaking, there is no way to completely alleviate the pain of hearing Ted Cruz’s voice,” Fauci told the Senate. “But, anecdotally, I can tell you that marijuana helps.”</div></div><div><p class="paywall" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 21px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Fauci said that a septuagenarian man who had previously suffered while listening to Cruz noted “marked improvement” when he ingested marijuana prior to another encounter.</p><p class="paywall" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 21px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">“The results were dramatic,” he said. “His feelings of anger, depression, and despair were all greatly reduced.”</p><p class="paywall" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: TNYAdobeCaslonPro, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 21px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">“Sitting here before you today, I can tell you that people are breaking the law in order to survive experiencing Ted Cruz,” he said. “They should be allowed to come out of the shadows.”</p></div><div>————————————————-<br><br><div dir="ltr"><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Seeya 'round town, Moscow, because . . .</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"Moscow Cares" (the most fun you can have with your pants on)</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">http://www.MoscowCares.net</span></div><div><br></div><div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Tom Hansen</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Moscow, Idaho</span></div></div><div><br></div><div>“A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.”</div><div>- Roy E. Stolworthy</div><div></div></div></div></body></html>