<html><head><meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"></head><body dir="auto"><div dir="ltr"><span></span></div><div dir="ltr"><meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><div dir="ltr"><span></span></div><div dir="ltr"><meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8">Courtesy of the DuffelBlog at:<div><br></div><div><a href="https://www.duffelblog.com/2019/08/trump-nominates-guy-fieri-as-chairman-of-joint-chefs/?utm_source=Normal+Subscribers&utm_campaign=f68c6e2078-Duffel_Blog_Daily&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_6d392bc034-f68c6e2078-23783321&goal=0_6d392bc034-f68c6e2078-23783321&mc_cid=f68c6e2078&mc_eid=48e6937308">https://www.duffelblog.com/2019/08/trump-nominates-guy-fieri-as-chairman-of-joint-chefs/?utm_source=Normal+Subscribers&utm_campaign=f68c6e2078-Duffel_Blog_Daily&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_6d392bc034-f68c6e2078-23783321&goal=0_6d392bc034-f68c6e2078-23783321&mc_cid=f68c6e2078&mc_eid=48e6937308</a><br><div><br></div><div>———————————————</div><div><span style="font-family: Anton, sans-serif; font-size: 3.5rem; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Trump nominates Guy Fieri as Chairman of Joint Chefs</span></div><div><br></div><div><div>FLAVORTOWN — President Donald Trump officially nominated Guy Fieri to fill the new post of Chairman of the Joint Chefs, the White house reported today.</div><div><br></div><div>“I was speaking with my beautiful wife Melania the other night and I realized there were no bodacious amigos advising me on oil-logged, bomb-dot-com tasty grindage,” Trump told members of the media. “I have no doubt that Guy will blow our collective friggin’ minds with policies that are delectable, edible, and Congressional.”</div><div><br></div><div>Fieri’s confirmation before the Senate is expected to be “easy as pie,” said White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham, and that his “radical views on chomchom” spoke for themselves.</div><div><br></div><div>“[Mr. Fieri]’s credentials are impeccable,” said Grisham. “His avantgarde thinking in the culinary battlespace really impressed the Senate Subcommittee on Agricultural Research, Nutrition, and Specialty Crops, ultimately fast-tracking his nomination.”</div><div><br></div><div>According to subcommittee majority member John Boozman (R-AR), Fieri laid out an effervescent and multipronged strategy for “blasting the ol’ buds” of America’s allies during an interview last week.</div><div><br></div><div>“I was particularly impressed with his plans for a US-North Korean fusion dish,” said Boozman. “Although I vehemently disagree with his views on pineapple on pizza, I honestly can’t think of a more cray-cray bro for this role.”</div><div><br></div><div>Boozman also confirmed reports that Senate Democrats were being “complete downers” by “totally blocking” Fieri’s appointment on the grounds of being “muy, muy unpalatable” to the American people.</div><div><br></div><div>“This dude’s a total bozo,” said Senate minority leader Charles Schumer (D-NY). “Only someone with links to fundamentalist terrorists would concoct a dish as heinous and un-American as Cajun crab and asparagus pie.”</div><div><br></div><div>Schumer specifically mentioned Fieri’s botched Middle Eastern dish—Guy’s Forever Shwarma—as the thick, substantial base of their rebuttal.</div><div>“He is offensive to spit fired meats everywhere,” Schumer told reporters.”We will not let his garish garnish tarnish our relations with our Middle Eastern partners.”</div><div><br></div><div>Despite the fierce opposition, Fieri is confident that Congress will make the right decision.</div><div><br></div><div>“You best believe that I will be delivering some quivering, freedom-dripping smorgasborgasms to the American people,” Fieri told Trump supporters at a rally in Oklahoma City. “I guarantee there will be snurgles and dinner medals on every American and that we will be the leader in greaze-tastic scrannage.”</div><div><br></div><div>At press time, Fieri’s PR team was scrambling to address allegations he inappropriately massaged a bundle of kale while preparing his signature Bulgur Wheat and Kale Salad in 2011.</div></div><div><br></div><div>———————————————<br><br><div dir="ltr"><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Seeya 'round town, Moscow, because . . .</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"Moscow Cares" (the most fun you can have with your pants on)</span></div><div><a href="http://www.moscowcares.com/" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000">http://www.MoscowCares.com</font></a></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> </span></div><div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Tom Hansen</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Moscow, Idaho</span></div></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">“You’re a Mean One, Mr. Trump”</span></div><div><a href="http://www.tomandrodna.com/MoscowCares/Songs/Donald_Trump/Youre_a_Mean_One_Mr_Trump.mp3">http://www.tomandrodna.com/MoscowCares/Songs/Donald_Trump/Youre_a_Mean_One_Mr_Trump.mp3</a></div><div><br></div></div></div></div></div></div></body></html>