<html><head><meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"></head><body dir="auto"><div dir="ltr"><span></span></div><div dir="ltr">Courtesy of the <i>New Yorker </i>at:</div><div dir="ltr"><br></div><div dir="ltr"><a href="https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/william-barr-reads-moby-dick-finds-no-evidence-of-whales?utm_campaign=aud-dev&utm_source=nl&utm_brand=tny&utm_mailing=TNY_Borowitz_032619&utm_medium=email&bxid=5bea112b3f92a40469640747&user_id=24494982&esrc=NYR_BOROWITZ_BLOG&utm_term=TNY_Borowitz">https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/william-barr-reads-moby-dick-finds-no-evidence-of-whales?utm_campaign=aud-dev&utm_source=nl&utm_brand=tny&utm_mailing=TNY_Borowitz_032619&utm_medium=email&bxid=5bea112b3f92a40469640747&user_id=24494982&esrc=NYR_BOROWITZ_BLOG&utm_term=TNY_Borowitz</a><br><div><br></div><div>———————————————</div><div><span style="font-family: "Irvin Heading", "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 44px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">William Barr Reads “Moby-Dick,” Finds No Evidence of Whales</span></div><div><br></div><div><div>WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr has just read the classic American novel “Moby-Dick,” by Herman Melville, and found that the book contains “no evidence whatsoever of whales,” Barr stated on Tuesday.</div><div><br></div><div>The Attorney General issued his statement on the absence of whales in the Melville classic in a two-paragraph book report released to the news media.</div><div><br></div><div>“Those who read ‘Moby-Dick’ looking for whales will be sorely disappointed,” Barr wrote. “There are no whales here.”</div><div><br></div><div>To illustrate his point, Barr quoted the book’s first sentence: “Call me Ishmael.”</div><div><br></div><div>“As you can clearly see, that sentence does not have a whale in it,” Barr wrote.</div><div><br></div><div>The Attorney General indicated that he hoped his report would put an end to “reckless speculation” about the existence of whales in “Moby-Dick.” “It’s time to move on,” he wrote.</div><div><br></div><div>Barr disclosed that, after waiting years to read “Moby-Dick,” he was able to finish reading it in approximately fifteen minutes.</div></div><div><br></div><div>———————————————<br><br><div id="AppleMailSignature" dir="ltr"><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Seeya 'round town, Moscow, because . . .</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"Moscow Cares" (the most fun you can have with your pants on)</span></div><div><a href="http://www.moscowcares.com/" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000">http://www.MoscowCares.com</font></a></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> </span></div><div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Tom Hansen</span></div><div><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Moscow, Idaho</span></div></div><div><br></div><div><br></div></div></div></div></body></html>